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June 6, 2012 -
Recently, I watched an episode of the original Twilight Zone series entitled The Eye of the Beholder. It's the story of a woman who undergoes experimental medical treatments in an attempt to make her look "normal." If you've never seen it, you should. I found it for free on vudu.com; but it's also available on Amazon, Netflix and Itunes. I won't post any spoilers here, but I will say that it is a timely parable about conformity and our need to "fit in."I have not seen this episode in many years. Although I remembered the plot quite clearly, I was surprised by the impact that the message has on me now. I thought I knew this story. Yet, as I watched, I found myself understanding it at a deeper level than ever before. I was particularly struck by the overwhelming influence of "society" as portrayed in the story by the doctors, nurses and the leader. They represented a deeply ingrained prejudice against anyone who looked different than themselves - a prejudice that was even shared by the woman protagonist. She hated herself because society had taught her to do so. As I watched the program this time around, I found myself identifying with the woman in bandages.
Last Fall, I woke up to the realization that my self-esteem was in decline and had been slipping for some time. There were several factors involved, but a major factor was my body image. I was ashamed of my weight. Plus-size women are pretty common in my family tree. I have never been small and never expect to be so. I guess there has always been some internal conflict for me concerning size. Part of me easily accepts that I'm just a big girl - the same as I accept that my eyes are brown. Yet, another part of me has always felt guilty about that acceptance. Sometimes the guilt has been stronger and sometimes the acceptance has had the upper hand. Influences have played a prominent role in the struggle.
I went through a particularly rough spell in college after ballooning up one summer as the result of an anti-depressant medication's side effect. I felt very self-conscious and sunk deeper into depression. But, my studies actually helped to combat my insecurities. Art history class taught me that the concept of the ideal human form changes from era to era. Voluptuous female bodies have been considered the perfect form in many eras. Peter Paul Rubens painted curvy, full-figured goddesses that are quite beautiful. Venus at the Mirror is my favorite. In human anatomy, I learned that women's bodies are designed to store fat more so than men's. In figure drawing classes, we had many different models. The large women were the most fun to draw. Their curves were so beautiful. The thin models were more difficult to draw - angular rather than curvy. They had a different kind of beauty. All of them were lovely. Learning such things gave me a better opinion of my own body. I swung back to acceptance mode.
Other influences have not been as positive. All my life, I have had women around me that were trying to lose weight. Some have been unsuccessful in getting the pounds off. Most of those who did succeed have been unsuccessful at keeping them off. So, I've never been convinced that diets are worth the trouble. I've come to realize that the more time I spend with women who are extremely weight conscious, the worse I feel about myself. I cannot begin to describe how painful it is to hear women complain about being fat and needing to lose weight when they are several sizes smaller than me! It has happened so many times and each time, without realizing it, I internalized shame. The past few years have been particularly hard for me in this respect. Such talk has always come across to me as an accusation, even if it was not meant to be. It's as though I am expected to take the hint. It's as if I am being covertly judged. I have actually had women pray for me to lose weight, when I did not request it. I have been told where to sit, so that I don't crowd others. I have been told (by thin women) how I should dress for my figure (again, without requesting the advice). I have been told I should become a vegetarian. I understand that these women thought they were being helpful; but in truth, they were being hurtful. God has been helping me to deal with the resulting pain and anger. He has helped me to see that those women were dealing with their own body issues. He is helping me to forgive and move on.
I have kept these things to myself as much as possible, battling the increasing shame in secret. I've cried on my husband's shoulder when it was the most difficult and have gotten his continual reassurance that I am beautiful just as I am. I have poured my heart out to the Lord again and again. At times, I gave in to peer pressure and convinced myself that I needed to lose weight. I would seek the Lord on the matter, promising to do whatever he led me to do. I never sensed a release. I never had peace about pursuing weight loss. I sensed so strongly that He was telling me to wait on Him. In doing so, I have come a very different path than the one I expected.
Instead of revealing a divine weight loss plan, the Lord revealed my own insecurities and my own acceptance of society's prejudice against full-figured women. As I mentioned, last Fall my eyes were open to my own destructive thoughts. I was comparing my appearance to that of the women around me and the women represented as "beautiful" by a biased media. I was buying in to all the hype that "thin is good and fat is evil." I did not see myself as beautiful, even though my husband tells me that I am. I did not see myself as healthy, even though the results of my last physical exam were pristine (the doctor's own word). I was deceived.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then we must consider the purity of the eye in question. Has it been contaminated by society's fickle whims? Mine were. I have come to realize that I didn't need the numbers on my scale to drop... I needed the scales to drop off my own eyes. I have been reprogramming my thoughts with God's Word. It says that physical beauty is vanity that fades as the grass. It also says that God is no respecter of persons. He does not prefer thin people over heavy. He tells us to come to Him as we are. He looks upon our heart, not our outward appearance. God associates true beauty with holiness. I choose to pursue holiness as a beauty treatment. Not a holier-than-thou attitude, but an acknowledgement that I am imperfect, weak in my own efforts, and dependent on the Lord for His strength.
I have also been doing research of a more practical sort. Last month, I read a book entitled Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight. Reading it was absolutely liberating. Now I know what is behind the so-called "obesity epidemic." Money. There is money to be made in the weight loss industry. If you want to know more, read the book. I won't go into it here. I came away from that book with revelation of two things: I am beautiful NOW and I am healthy NOW! I don't have to lose weight to be those two things. I don't have to lose weight to be valid... to be useful... to be loved... to be accepted. I am now! When I read the section of the book that brought about that epiphany, I cried great big tears of relief! I sought the Lord as I wept and I sensed release and confirmation in my heart. It was for this revelation that the Lord had me wait.
I have taken much of the book's advice, and in doing so I have experienced some amazing changes. I am looking at my own reflection with that artist's eye that once saw the beauty in women of all sizes. I like what I see in the mirror! I smile back at myself. I'm primping more, just for the fun of it - wearing jewelry... fixing my hair... I even painted my nails! I am eating more, but making better choices. No more starving myself between meals. I do not deny myself any type of food; instead I relish the taste of it and I'm satisfied quicker. No more guilty eating. I laugh at the scale instead of calling it a liar. It has no power over me now!!! Ha!! My weight has stayed the same, but I am rejoicing about it! I go for walks because I want to, not because I "have to" and I'm walking more often. I am much happier and far less anxious. At one time, I believed that I would have to change my body in order to feel good about myself. It turns out that I only had to change my mind!
Weight loss is not a goal for me. Enjoying my life right now is my goal. Living in the moment, without the bondage and pressure of "fitting in" is my goal. Maintaining my health is my goal. Taking care of my body is my goal. Guarding my eyes and ears from derogatory influences is my goal. But, I have another goal and I believe it is the entire reason that the Lord led me to the place I am today. My goal is to become a confident woman, comfortable in my own body, so that I can be a light to other women who are struggling in theirs. I want to tell them that God loves them no matter what they weigh and it's okay for them to love themselves. By being secure in who I am right now, I can more confidently reach beyond myself to bless others. By getting body issues out of the way, I can put more energy into pursuing God.
Now, back to that Twilight Zone episode and the woman in bandages.... Is she any different than the countless women in our society today who believe they must lose weight in order to be "normal"? Are bariatric surgery, liposuction, diet pills, calorie restrictions, fat gram counting, relentless exercising and other weight loss programs really any different than the experiments that the woman in bandages endured? Give it some thought. And if you haven't seen the episode, watch it. It will bless you.
I know many women right now who are losing weight or trying to do so. Please know that I love you dearly and I do support you even though I won't be joining your efforts. I congratulate you for every pound lost, because I know how difficult it is. Yet, there are two things that I desperately want to tell you: First, you are beautiful right now, this minute. You have been beautiful all along. Yes, physically beautiful! You, yes you!! You know I'm talking to you! You are beautiful!! Second, It's perfectly fine to believe this about yourself right now. Don't wait until you reach that goal, or the next goal after that one. Don't let your self-worth and self-image get caught up in some ideal vision of yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Take a long, hard look at the influences in your life that make you feel ugly, fat or in any way deficient. Reject them. Cast them down. Allow God to show you how beautiful you really are. You are beautiful right now!
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September 28, 2013 -It's been a long road from there to here, and the past fifteen months have been some of the most challenging of my life. A bad fall tore tendons in my left hip, causing me terrible pain. Standing, walking, and sitting were unbearable. I could only get comfortable laying flat. It took months to heal. Just after the pain really receded, I had some serious symptoms that caused my doctor to caution me that it might be cancer. After lots of tests, it turned out that I only had a severe hormone imbalance, most likely triggered by stress from the hip injury. That's been corrected, and I'm learning how to keep it corrected. What I really gained from all those tests was confirmation that, yes, I AM healthy. I still weigh the same that I did fifteen months ago. I don't care! What I do care about is that I don't hate my body. It's not my enemy, it's just my body. I'm taking good care of it... and I still think it's beautiful.
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