“Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired
of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much
of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you
understand?” – John Coffey, The Green Mile
I remember reading those words for the first time in Stephen King’s novel
and weeping because I did
understand. I understood exactly what John Coffey meant. I still do. I can’t
watch the movie and hear those words without choking up.
And here I am, before dawn, picking pieces of glass out of my head;
because last night I read through a Facebook thread that was the equivalent of
a schoolyard rock fight. Sure, some people meant well. Some were just stating
their opinions. Others were defending themselves. But when you got right down to it, they were
all casting stones at each other… being ugly to each other… people who say they
love each other. It makes me tired. It’s
like emotional shrapnel.
I cannot count the number of times I’ve been through this drill. Pieces
of glass in my head keeping me awake. It’s been a lifelong theme: the
minefields of my family members’ emotions, the warzone that was school with all
its drama and angst, running the gauntlet of judgment and criticism at church.
I often wondered what was wrong with me. Why did people’s emotions affect
me so strongly? A counselor once told me that creative people tended to feel
things more deeply than most people. It is that very sensitivity that drives
inspiration, then creation. That wasn’t much of an explanation, but it was all
I had for years. Then I learned about discernment. That explained a little
more. I was told I was gifted – creatively, artistically, spiritually, and prophetically.
These gifts enable me to absorb things that others never notice. Gifts? When I’m
digging out glass, it’s more like a curse.
There is a scene in X-Men: First Class where Charles Xavier reads Erik’s
mind and unlocks a forgotten memory, then both men wipe away tears. I remember
watching that and wiping away my own tears because I understood the empathy
that the scene conveyed. Charles felt what Erik felt; he sensed something in
him that Erik was not aware of himself. This scene came in the context of
Charles training the X-men to use their “gifts”. It stirred in me such a
longing to learn to use my own gifts as my Creator intended me to use them. To
turn them back into gifts rather than curses.
At long last, I am learning.
The Lord has been leading me on a treasure hunt and has graciously
dropped handfuls of revelation purposefully in my path. A website that led to a
book that led to a phrase that led to another website that led to an answer and
then more books and knowledge and so on. The phrase is “highly sensitive.” The
answer came when I scored 24 out of 27 on a self-test. No, there’s nothing
wrong with me. Yes, I am different. I am part of the 15-20% of the population
that is highly sensitive, which means that my nervous system is physically
hard-wired to pick up on nuances that the majority of the population never experience.
These nuances allow me to empathize deeply with people as I feel their hurts,
struggles, doubts, and even their joy. Sadly, people carry around more of the
former than the latter, which means pieces of glass in my head that need to be
removed. But, I’m learning what part empathy plays in intercession and how
praying for people is the most effective glass remover there is. I’m learning...
I’m growing... and I'm yawning... and finally... sleep....
