Download

I love it when God gives me a download. It’s a beautiful thing – a powerful visual image combined with crystal clear understanding and the scriptures to back it up. Rare, but beautiful.

I received just such a download last Sunday. It came during worship, during the chorus of a song. I don’t even remember the song and it doesn’t even matter. The download came full and vivid and complete – a seamless flow of my Father’s loving grace. I was exhausted to my core. The download didn’t immediately fix that. I still went home and curled up in bed with a good book. What the download did was strengthen me. It reminded me of what He has done so that I may enter into God’s rest - that true deep rest that refreshes and revives. He knew that I needed it. He knew what was coming this week. Hard things. Heart-breaking things.

So, here’s the download:

Fighting battles wears you out.

I saw a warrior walking through the midst of a raging battle. All around, fire light flashed off of armor and swords. Clashing metal rang out amidst shouts and screams. Chaos surrounded the warrior on every side, but she walked amidst stillness. The battle parted before her and enemies fell to each side, leaving a wide berth as she passed through. She wasn’t bloodied or beleaguered. She was pristine. Untouched. Most importantly, she walked in victory. The battle still raged about her, but she walked through it knowing – KNOWING – KNOWING – that the battle was already won!

As I saw this vision, these words sprang from my heart: A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

The fullness of Psalms 91 swept over me. Because He is my refuge, no evil shall befall me. His angels have been given charge over me.

Then came Exodus 14:14, The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Or, as my favorite translation goes: GOD BATTLES! Shh!

I felt myself reaching out to God, wondering if it could really be that simple, and He answered me. My Father knows me so well, that He knows exactly what to show me. Jesus. For me, Jesus is always the last Word. I saw Jesus walking on the water, unmoved by the raging wind around Him. 

Later, I looked up the story in Mark 6:

And when even was come, the ship was in the midst of the sea, and he alone on the land. And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them. But when they saw him walking upon the sea, they supposed it had been a spirit, and cried out: For they all saw him, and were troubled. And immediately he talked with them, and saith unto them, “Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.”  And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased: and they were sore amazed in themselves beyond measure, and wondered.

Notice two things here:

1. When the disciples were alone they were rowing against the wind, toiling and laboring and wearing themselves out; but when Jesus joined them, the wind ceased.
2. Jesus would have passed by them, except that they cried out. When they did that, he spoke peace and comfort to them and joined them. 

This tells me that when I find myself toiling and wearing myself out, I need to cry out to Jesus! He will give me rest.

I find that my Father brings me back to this again and again. I have tasted the rest of God. I have experienced periods of it and I know the peace that is found in having faith in Him. Still, my focus wanders and my Lord lovingly reminds me to return to Him and rest in Him. That doesn’t mean to just sit around doing nothing expecting God to subsidize my laziness. No! That means to live and work and serve and do what I can, while trusting Him to do what I cannot. 

There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. ~ Hebrews 4:9-11

***

Father, I trust You right now to make all the crooked places straight, to heal broken hearts, and mend broken lives. I trust You to handle all the things that are too big and too difficult for me to even comprehend. I stand before You, a worn-out cranky child, reaching up my arms for You to lift me up, embrace me, and comfort me. But mostly, Father, I ask You to lift up the ones that can’t reach up to You right now. Please, lift them up, hold them, comfort them, and lavish them with Your love.

To Be One With The Air

"Wings of Eagles" - pencil sketch

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ~ Isaiah 40:31

Have you ever watched a bird catch an updraft? Rick saw one the other day and told me how the bird was just flying along, then it turned into the wind, leaned its wings back and whoosh - it went straight up. Amazing! As Rick spoke, I imagined what it would be like. So, here I am writing where that little thought took me.

Imagine the intimate relationship that a bird must have with the air. The bird in flight is completely dependent upon or subject to air currents, wind speed, updrafts, and all things air. Imagine being suspended in the wind, far above the ground, surrounded by nothing but air. Upheld by nothing but air. Birds must be aware of every fluctuation in pressure, direction, and speed. They know how to use it to their advantage. For years, I have watched birds gather in trees, on high wires, and on the ground just before a cold front or a storm arrives. They do so because the air pressure is so low, that flying is too difficult and exhausts them. They know days in advance of the storm's arrival. If you watch the birds closely enough you can predict the weather. They live in the weather, so they know. They also know how to conserve energy by riding air currents. I guess you could say that they rest in the air. If they need to move higher, they just catch a current and let it lift them.

Do you get the picture? Can you see how intimately connected the birds are with the air? Then, let's make some connections.

Point 1: The birds live, move, and have their very being in the air. They are intimate with it.

Point 2: Acts 17:28 says, "For in Him we live and move and have our being..."

Point 3: In the New Testament, the word Spirit (as in Holy Spirit) is translated from the Greek word pneuma, meaning "a current of air, a breath (blast), or a breeze."*

Now, imagine what it might be like to be as intimate with the Holy Spirit as a bird is with the air. I think that was God's plan for sending Him to us. Jesus said, "Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you." (John 16:7) He knew that we needed the Holy Spirit in order to have this intimate relationship.

Maybe you're thinking it's harder for us, because we don't live with Him the way the birds live with the air. To that I say, it's our choice whether we do or don't. A bird can choose to hop around on the ground its whole life, but that leaves it vulnerable and weak. Perhaps it's scary for them to take to the air the first time. They only learn to fly by flying - in the air. We are meant to live in Him. We are meant to know in advance of a storm's arrival. We are meant to rest in Him. We are meant to be lifted higher by Him. We are meant to live and move and have our being in Him.

So, how do we do that? I believe that the key is to be continually mindful of Him. Scripture study, prayer, praise, and worship are part of that, but not all. Be thankful for what He has blessed you with. Learn to keep Him in your thoughts throughout your daily activities. If you have a problem, ask for His wisdom. Talk to Him about your work, your family, and your life. Think of Him as someone right next to you throughout your day. You will be amazed. The Bible tells us that the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to a friend (Ex. 33:11). That is the intimacy of which I speak.

Finally, one more tidbit before I go. A word study of Isaiah 40:31 revealed that the Hebrew root of the phrase "wait upon" means "to bind or twist together."* That sounds very intimate to me.

But they who are bound together with the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. 

Remember, you can only learn to fly by flying.

***

Lord, I hunger for intimacy with you. Please, teach me to fly in Your Spirit.

***

* Definitions are from Strong's Hebrew and Greek Dictionaries.

Be Still and Know...

"Be still, and know that I am God!" ~ Psalm 46:10

I began an art journal in January of this year, and this was one of my first entries. I spent a good deal of time on it, both drawing it and researching for it. It began with just the scripture and the girl on the Rock. That was my original inspiration, and I sketched it out fairly quickly and inked it. Just a little drawing floating in the midst of the page. The more I meditated on that one scripture, the more I saw on that page. For me, scripture meditation usually includes looking up words to get deeper meaning. So I decided to include two definitions and some synonyms - you can see them in the waves.

• Stillness: a state of freedom from storm or disturbance; peace, tranquility, hush, calmness, rest, shh.
• Knowledge: awareness or familiarity gained by experience; realization, understanding, comprehension, wisdom, perceive, grasp, discern.

The drawing came together piece by piece. Part of Psalm 91 is written in the rain. The clouds are filled with scriptures of the Lord's victory. His names form the Rock on which I rest.

I was in the midst of some storms when I drew this. Two beloved family members were in the hospital. Outcomes were uncertain. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and in physical pain. The Lord used this drawing to hold me together and keep my focus on Him. Today, both family members are well. God knew. I didn't. So He had me write victory in the clouds and security in the rain, even when I couldn't see it around me. Isn't He wonderful?

Psalm 46:10 is one of my favorite scriptures. This is the message I receive from the Lord more than any other. So many times, when I pray for an answer or direction, I hear that still, small voice say, "be still, and know that I am God." He reminds me that He is in control and I'm not. My part is to be at peace and trust Him. Trusting Him gets easier all the time, as I gain experience with Him in my life. I see His goodness, His grace, and His love. It's comforting to trust someone that you know loves you absolutely and completely. No matter what. I still struggle with the peace part, but I'm learning. I still get depressed, overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated. I still have panic attacks. However, the wonderful difference is that these things don't move me the way they once did. It is such a victory for me to say that! I may forget at times, lift my head and consider the storm around me; but I don't move off the Rock! I remember His promises.

A church elder once commented that she was afraid I would lose ground if I stepped down from a leadership position in the church. At the time, I was frightened of that too. In fact, all the years I went to church regularly, I was afraid that if I ever stopped going, I would lose the spiritual ground I had gained. I've been out of church for a few years now and that fear is gone. I believe it's been a season just as important as the season I spent in church. I'll admit that I've lost some things. I've lost some Pharisee-like thinking and attitude. I've lost some legalistic, unlovely doctrines that are not supported by scripture, no matter how often they continue to be preached. Goodbye and good riddance. What I haven't lost is my faith, my love of God, my trust in Him. I haven't lost spiritual ground. How could I lose these things when I wholeheartedly believe that He, the Author and Finisher of my faith, keeps them for me, holding them tightly in the nail holes of His hands.

***

Lord, thank you for teaching me to be still and know....

The Crepe Myrtles are Saying It's Fall

Fall is my favorite season! Every year, I spend August's sweltering days anticipating the cool of autumn. When September arrives, I begin watching the trees. While driving, I've noticed that certain trees are shifting to yellow as if sighing that they are just too hot and tired to maintain their summer green. In my own yard, I heed the crepe myrtles - my watchers on the wall, ready to signal the change to come. Yellow-tinged leaf tips whisper secrets of shorter days and cool breezes. Each day, golden hues seep further along and spread the word. Finally, the leaf blushes, sounding the red alert before it fades into brown and falls silently to the path below.

Fascinated by this ritual, I plucked a few leaves and brought them into the studio to sketch. A younger me might have stood on the rocky garden path, balancing a sketchbook, drawing pencil, kneaded eraser, and a dozen or so coloring pencils as I drew them still on the tree. The older and wiser me preferred my comfy chair and air conditioning, only to face the frustrating task of preventing Kitty Mau from tasting, caressing, and stealing the leaves! Upon realizing the battle was futile, I went to fetch leaves just for her. She rubbed them, licked them, and promptly batted them off the table and onto the floor. She liked my leaves better. So much for wisdom on my part. I resorted to placing the canned air, her mortal enemy, next to the leaves. Truce achieved. 

Colored pencils are a new medium to me. I purchased a set of Prismacolor Verithins recently and have enjoyed playing with them. They are very different from chalk, conte, or oil pastels - all of which are old friends of mine. I need to study a few pencil techniques and practice. Overall, I'm fairly pleased with the drawing. I love the different stages of the color shifts in the leaves. I couldn't do it justice. Still, it's wonderful to be making art again - doing it just for the pure joy of bringing something from nothing. No pressure, no deadlines, no expectations. Simply bliss.

On another note, you may have noticed that my blog got a makeover. I've been wanting to come back to it with a fresh start, so voilà! The cloudy background is a digital painting on a canvas texture. A bit of a rushed job, not wanting to wait for paint to dry, but I think it's rather fun.

So, I rejoice in the new season, comforted by the surety of its coming. 

While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. ~ Gen 8:22


Lord, I thank you for autumn, the time of harvest, and for mild weather to relish before the biting winter comes. Thank you for establishing the routine and rotation of seasons as a continual reminder of your steadfastness and eternal stewardship over the earth. I praise you in every season and revel in your unending love!

New Mercies

It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

2014 was a brutal year. It was a year of dismay, grief, pain, and life-altering changes. Yes, there were snippets of joy, victory, and laughter throughout; but it left me with an overall sense of gloom. The last week of December found me stunned, heartbroken, and barely able to function. 

I spent much of this year's first weekend wrapped in a blanket in a dark, quiet room. No television. Just quiet. I read and slept and pondered the above scripture. I kept thinking New Year - New Mercies. It seems to me that if the Lord's mercies and compassions are new every morning, then how fresh they must be in the dawn of a new year! The thought gave me hope. 

By the grace of His mercy and His great love, I can move forward leaning on His eternal strength. I can face the trials ahead with the knowledge that He supplies all my needs - strength, wisdom, peace, patience, joy, faith, and hope. I don't have to manufacture them on my own. I simply ask, and thus I am able to draw them up from the deep well of His abundance:

His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

His wisdom is freely given. 

His peace has already been given to me. 

Patience has her perfect work.

In His presence is fullness of joy.  

He is the author and the finisher of my faith. 

My hope is in Him.

Thank you, Lord, for a new year, new mercies, and Your unfailing compassions.

Photo credit - © 2014 Rick Welch 

Why?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall you call upon me, and you shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And you shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

It happens to us all at times. Our hopes and plans seem to fall apart. Disappointment crushes our dreams. Someone hurts us deeply. Or worse, we watch a loved one struggle and suffer. Someone dear to us becomes gravely ill and despite everyone’s prayers and faith, they decline. We feel helpless and unable to ease their pain. In each of these situations, we often find ourselves crying out to God, asking “Why?”

I believe it is part of human nature to question, to seek for the knowledge that is beyond our grasp. It was that very longing that the serpent manipulated to tempt Eve. And, like Eve, we get into trouble when we get the notion that we are entitled to answers. So many times, I have witnessed Christians question God. “Why didn’t that person receive a healing when we all prayed so fervently?” “Why did my loved one suffer and die?” “Why didn’t I get that job or promotion?” “Why is my child being rebellious?” “Why haven’t my prayers been answered yet?” And so many times I have seen people make up their own answers when God did not provide His. “Well, she must have sin in her life if she’s not healed.” “He must have died because he refused to forgive someone.”  “God must be mad at me.” “He must be punishing me for something.” And the most common of all, “That person just doesn’t have enough faith!” Personally, I have been guilty of all these questions and I have presumed to have all the answers.

However, the Lord, in His gracious love, continually corrects me.

A few years ago, my family took a vacation to the Gulf Coast. I loved to walk out as far as I could in the waves and simply drink in the experience of the sea. Shortly after that trip, I was having a “whiny why” spell and the Lord stopped me. He reminded me of my time at the beach and used that experience to teach me a very precious lesson. When I stood on the beach, looking out across the water, all I could see was the surface of the water. The waves continually flowed to the shore. There was so much movement, but all coming towards me. If I did not know anything about the sea or never set foot in the water, my knowledge would always be limited to what I saw with my eyes. When I walked way out into the water, though, I discovered an undercurrent that pulled the water back out to sea along the sandy bottom. Sometimes, I could feel seaweed or fish brush against my legs, but the water was not clear enough to see what was there. My knowledge of the sea was limited to my natural senses. I could speculate about what was going on beyond my senses, but I didn’t know the truth.

Every day, we live our lives like a person standing on the shore looking at a vast sea. We see the surface. But, God sees below the surface. This is why we are to walk by faith and not by sight. He sees into the hearts of us all. He knows the end from the beginning. He even sees beyond our life here on earth. Eternity is vast beyond our comprehension. Our lives here on earth are just a drop in the ocean. Our existence in these earthen vessels is unimaginably brief in the eyes of our Father. Suffering to us seems so profound, so vast and cruel and interminably long. In God’s eyes, it is but a flicker. Yet, He has such compassion for us! Still, I believe that He has a much different perspective on suffering than we do. How else could it please Him for Jesus to suffer for our sins so horribly. In the great span of eternity, Christ’s crucifixion was just for a brief instant. He endured because of the joy that was set before Him – the promise of eternity in His Father’s presence surrounded by all that would be redeemed by His sacrifice. His disciples did not understand this at the time of the crucifixion. They came to understand later, by the power of the Holy Spirit. In the meantime, I’m sure they were asking why.

As for myself, I am learning that I am not entitled to answers. My Heavenly Father is God. I am not. He does not answer to me, nor does He owe me any explanations. It annoys me greatly at times, but I’m learning to be content not knowing. God knows. I can let that be enough. There have been times that I have been terribly disappointed, hurt or frustrated that things did not go as I expected or wanted; only to hear the Lord whisper, "this is Me protecting you from something worse." Every time, circumstances have proven that I was better off not getting my way. I have endured some extremely painful trials, just to see God turn it all to my good. I am going through some now that I am absolutely puzzled by, but I trust God in the midst of them. I still get the “whiny whys”, yet I am learning to get up from them and say, “Lord, you are in control. I trust you.” I have come to know the character of God well enough to trust that His motives are pure and loving. His plans are always good. Yes, we do live in a fallen world where dark, evil things happen all around us every day. But, we can be comforted knowing that Jesus overcame the world.

I have some dear friends that are going through some trials right now. In my spirit, I hear their unspoken whys. Be comforted today in knowing that our Father is in control. As you stand watching the waves grow higher, know that He is working beneath the waves. He hears every prayer. He catches every tear. You may not understand, but know that He does. His ways are higher than our ways. His mercies are new every morning. His love envelopes you and all those dear to you. Know that an eternity is established ahead of us in which all suffering will cease. Have faith in our loving Father. Trust Him with all your heart and release your own understanding like releasing a balloon. Know that He is directing your path and the paths of your loved ones. Above all else, trust God.

Wonderful Father, I ask that You comfort hurting hearts today. Help my dear friends who are struggling through trials to trust Your divine wisdom. Help them to sense Your loving presence as You surround them with peace. May they be rooted and grounded in Your eternal love, knowing that your plans for them and their loved ones are good. Gift them with great faith, please Lord, so that they may always, in all circumstances, trust You. Amen.

The So-called “Great Failure”

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Remembering my wonderful adventure in Germany has brought many happy memories in the past two weeks; but remembering the difficulty it took to get there has brought some painful memories, too. In my last post, I mentioned that I was hesitant about going on the trip because it would be a constant reminder of what I secretly called My Great Failure. Although, it is still a difficult period of my life to look back on, I have to acknowledge God’s greatness through the entire trial and how He has continually turned what I saw as failure into a great personal triumph.

In my former church, there was once a very wonderful time when all was well and I was learning, serving and growing. Sadly, I took on more than I should have and found myself overwhelmed. I went to my pastor, repented and took a load off of my plate. I kept the one service that I knew I had been called to do. Unfortunately, too much damage had already been done. My stress and anxiety level was way too high. Certain situations in the church were adding to it. Newcomers stepped into leadership positions and caused problems for myself and my family. Good relationships turned sour. Lots of things happened in a very short period of time that wounded me deeply. I tried to play the good Christian and endure it in silence, but I was suffering inside. I knew that I needed to step down from all service and allow the Lord time to heal me. I met with my pastor and tried to do just that, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it. Instead, I agreed to a take a break. A couple of months went by with no real progress. I felt guilty for not doing what God called me to do. Prematurely, I went back to my pastor and agreed to step back into position. It was a huge mistake.

Within a few days, something happened that deeply wounded a member of my family. I watched him go from a place of ambition and inspiration to absolute defeat. It broke my heart and infuriated me. I reacted by turning in a letter of resignation from service and essentially saying that my family was leaving the church. I knew that resigning was the right thing to do. I could not have served well under the circumstances. However, it was not time to leave the church. I knew it and my husband knew it. I was just so deeply hurt and angry that I could not imagine going back. The Lord’s correction came to me swiftly. I cried all day and night, knowing that I had willfully, knowingly disobeyed God. The next day, my husband and I met with church leaders to repent. It went from bad to worse. I walked into the meeting truly repentant, but already feeling like a worthless failure. For two hours, my husband and I were berated about how badly we had hurt one of the leaders, about every mistake we had ever made while in that church, about how immature we were and more. We were told our behavior was manipulative and demonic. I wept through it all, drinking it all in and believing every word, although I knew in my heart it was an overreaction. I was utterly humiliated. I had been absolutely scourged by people whom I had held in very high regard. By the end of the meeting our repentance was accepted and we were allowed to remain in the church. Some encouragement was spoken and hugs were given all around. But, I wanted to die. I cried for days. Thankfully, my husband and a few very wise women recognized my dilemma and fervently prayed for me. The worst passed and I was able to go on, even though I still believed that I had failed God and ruined my destiny.

My church life was never the same. I did not want to go anymore. Rick would quietly ask me what God wanted me to do. I would go to church for Him. Although Rick and I never told anyone what happened, it seemed that everyone knew. Many people treated me differently. Before, I was greeted with smiles and hugs, now I was avoided. Only a handful of people still hugged me and made me feel loved. Tears were common before and after church. But I continued and I endured. God’s grace sustained me. Rick and I were required to sit out for several months, then eased back into service. I was allowed back on the team that I had formerly led. It was bittersweet. It was so wonderful to be ministering again, yet there were constant tears. Worst of all was the damaged relationship between me and a woman that I had always held very dear. I prayed for the relationship to be restored, but it remained strained.

Much to my amazement, I was chosen for the Germany team. I had desired to be a part of this ministry since first joining the church, but after all that had happened, I doubted whether or not I should go. I was concerned about the strained relationship. I made an attempt at reconciliation, but still sensed distance. I beat myself up over throwing away a position that would have had a greater impact on the trip. I still saw myself as a failure. I had no hope of leading a team again, I was simply thankful to be a part. To my surprise, I was told that after the trip, I would be able to step back up as team leader.

During the trip, there were bittersweet moments when that failure plagued me. But, overall, the trip restored my confidence. I am so grateful that my pastor allowed me to attend, minister, and especially, to teach. God’s grace had upheld me throughout the past difficult year and during the trip, He propelled me forward. Hope and faith returned. Full restoration seemed possible. And I could see God’s hand in my attending the conference, not as a leader, but simply as a member. The pressures of details and organization were not mine, so I had the luxury of focusing on God’s presence and resting in Him. I was free to have the profound experience of peace that I had.

Inspired and excited when I came home, I looked forward to teaching again and leading a team. Sadly, though, it was not to be. Many changes took place. The promotion I was offered was postponed. Lines of communication broke down for reasons I still do not understand. I was disappointed and angry again. But the Lord is so gracious. While in prayer last February, He revealed my heart’s secrets to me. I wanted so much to be restored, to prove my worth and value, and to undo the great failure. Those motives came to overshadow my motive to serve Him simply out of love. I saw how the enemy had set a trap for me and I had fallen into bondage of trying to prove myself. I realized that as long as I was in that church, I would be bound to that failure and my need to overcome it. God, in His great mercy, released my family from the church.  It was difficult, but necessary. I will have no idol before Him, especially not a position. Rick had known, even before the Germany trip, that our time there was limited. I had refused to see it. 

God was not the author of this trial, but He certainly has  gotten a lot of mileage from it. Rick and I both have grown a great deal. We have grown closer to each other too. I know that my husband believes in me even when I can’t believe in myself. And I’m learning to believe in myself, not for who I am alone, but for who I am in Christ. I know that I can go beyond myself and my comfort zone because God is with me.  When left to my own devices, I will fall. But, God will lift me up and set me high. Most importantly, the Lord has revealed to my heart a needful ministry and some necessary changes coming in the body of Christ. I have much to say on that, but later, not now. The Lord has turned this difficult time to my good in so many ways, too many to mention here, but I must give Him glory for carrying me through it. I have come to see that the situation was not so much My Great Failure as it was the simple, everyday failures of several people (including myself) who were just doing what they thought were the right things. Life happens. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. We pick up and move forward.

The Lord has been after me for a while to write this, not to place blame, expose, or hurt anyone; but to finish the healing of my heart. Writing, for me, brings catharsis. It is my hope that others can read, relate and be comforted that they are not alone. We all fail, we all make mistakes. But, we must forgive others and ourselves if we are to grow. By writing and sharing this chapter of my life, I am laying it at the foot of the cross, casting it before the Lord and releasing it into His hands. All is well.

I want to share one final testimony to the goodness of God. Shortly after that unfortunate letter and subsequent meeting, the Lord did the most wonderful thing. He led someone to bless our family with brand new washer and dryer – the ones I had looked at and wanted for years – complete with pedestals and in my favorite color. There I was, feeling like a miserable failure that had disappointed God; but He gave me a precious gift! I cried as I hugged the gift givers and thanked them. To me, it was more than a washer and dryer – it was a sign of God’s love, mercy and forgiveness. To this day, whenever I do laundry I think of His great love for me. In the glorious light of His love, all failures become insignificant!

Remembering the Adventure

There remains therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labor therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. ~ Hebrews 4:9-11

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

This month marks the one year anniversary of my trip to Germany. I have thought of that trip quite often in the past two weeks. It was such a wonderful adventure with the Lord! I have so many fond memories of the people I met, the places I visited, the church services, the worship and especially the fellowship I had with the Lord during that time. 

Looking back, I realize just how difficult it was for me to make that journey. I don’t think anyone but God and my husband understood the emotional and psychological torture I had to overcome in order to get to the airport and board that plane. For months in advance of that trip, I prayed through the fourth watch almost every night. I shed tear after tear. I knew that the Lord wanted me to go, but I asked again and again, “Are you sure, Lord?” Of course He was sure, but I wasn’t. Through prayer, He convinced me. Through prayer, He strengthened me and quieted my fears. I had to know, beyond all doubt, that God would be with me on the trip. I knew myself all too well, and knew that I could not do it apart from Him. I knew my shyness, my fear of crowds and strangers, and my tendency to have panic attacks in unfamiliar situations. I knew how hard the separation would be on my family and me. I knew that the trip would be physically challenging. Also, I knew it would be a constant reminder of what I had secretly labeled My Great Failure – I was going on the trip as a team member, not the team leader. That particular wound was still very raw at the time and I cried great tears about it, right up to the day I left for the airport.

But, God….

Telling my family goodbye at that airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life! Yet, as soon as I passed security and set my mind on the trip ahead, a great peace began to cover me. The two flights were grueling, but through His grace, I endured. Once we arrived in Germany, I found myself adapting very easily. The next two weeks were absolutely miraculous!! I was still me, and I could still feel that fear and timidity on the inside; but Christ rose up in me in a way that I have never experienced. I was in the presence of God constantly. I was in fellowship with Him at all times, conversing with Him under my breath or in my thoughts. Prayer flowed from my lips continually when I was alone. A great peace settled upon me and remained throughout the trip. I never understood the phrase, “entering into His rest” until then. For those two weeks, I walked in a level of peace, rest and faith that I have never known before or since (although it has come close recently). 

The effects of God’s presence and grace were profound! I found myself talking to strangers and making friends quickly. I slept peacefully each night and awoke refreshed and ready to go. In fact, I was the only person on our team that slept so well. Quite a miracle for a woman who usually has insomnia! Not only did I awake refreshed, but I usually awoke just before my alarm sounded. Whenever I had the opportunity to catch a nap, I would pray and ask the Lord for 15 minutes, an hour, or whatever time was available. I would then set my alarm for that time. I always went right to sleep and woke up just before the alarm.  Physically, I handled the trip much better than I expected. Sure, the long walks and many stairs wore me out, but not too badly. I was amazed at my endurance! My back and knees held up very well. I had back pain only one night (and that was from the stress of dealing with a very difficult person); but as soon as I talked to Rick on Skype, he prayed and the pain left. 

Food was another miracle. Usually, I am a very picky eater. However, during the trip I ate whatever was offered me and loved it! It was amazing! Also, I am a very organized person that always wants to know where I am, where I am going, when I will go, and who is taking me.  I am always the navigator on every trip, constantly consulting maps. While in Germany, I never looked at a map. I could not tell you how to get from the host home to the church or back. I simply trusted others with the schedules and the details. That was a first for me. And in the midst of it all, I had a great, abiding peace. The Lord was as close as my own breath. 

 

God’s great favor was with me throughout the journey. My roommate and I agreed that we had the best accommodations in both cities. We were blessed with extra sightseeing trips in Berlin, courtesy of our wonderful hosts. In Hamburg, we were blessed with an internet connection courtesy of our generous upstairs neighbor. We were well-fed, well-cared for, and well-loved in both cities. She and I got along beautifully and so enjoyed each other’s company.  

Teaching and ministering came very easily. I had been very concerned about working with a translator, but it was not a problem at all. In fact, it felt perfectly natural as I fell into the rhythm of speaking and pausing for the translator.

Ministering in Germany was an amazing adventure. I will be forever grateful to God and to my former pastor for including me in the experience. I loved the people, the churches and the cities of Berlin and Hamburg. I was awed to see the power and love of God poured out on His people. On a personal level, the growth that I experienced in my relationship with God was priceless. I have tasted of the great peace, grace and favor of God and I long for more. My goal is to live daily in that level of faith, experiencing those great treasures that His love provides.