Download

I love it when God gives me a download. It’s a beautiful thing – a powerful visual image combined with crystal clear understanding and the scriptures to back it up. Rare, but beautiful.

I received just such a download last Sunday. It came during worship, during the chorus of a song. I don’t even remember the song and it doesn’t even matter. The download came full and vivid and complete – a seamless flow of my Father’s loving grace. I was exhausted to my core. The download didn’t immediately fix that. I still went home and curled up in bed with a good book. What the download did was strengthen me. It reminded me of what He has done so that I may enter into God’s rest - that true deep rest that refreshes and revives. He knew that I needed it. He knew what was coming this week. Hard things. Heart-breaking things.

So, here’s the download:

Fighting battles wears you out.

I saw a warrior walking through the midst of a raging battle. All around, fire light flashed off of armor and swords. Clashing metal rang out amidst shouts and screams. Chaos surrounded the warrior on every side, but she walked amidst stillness. The battle parted before her and enemies fell to each side, leaving a wide berth as she passed through. She wasn’t bloodied or beleaguered. She was pristine. Untouched. Most importantly, she walked in victory. The battle still raged about her, but she walked through it knowing – KNOWING – KNOWING – that the battle was already won!

As I saw this vision, these words sprang from my heart: A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

The fullness of Psalms 91 swept over me. Because He is my refuge, no evil shall befall me. His angels have been given charge over me.

Then came Exodus 14:14, The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. Or, as my favorite translation goes: GOD BATTLES! Shh!

I felt myself reaching out to God, wondering if it could really be that simple, and He answered me. My Father knows me so well, that He knows exactly what to show me. Jesus. For me, Jesus is always the last Word. I saw Jesus walking on the water, unmoved by the raging wind around Him. 

Later, I looked up the story in Mark 6:

And when even was come, the ship was in the midst of the sea, and he alone on the land. And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them. But when they saw him walking upon the sea, they supposed it had been a spirit, and cried out: For they all saw him, and were troubled. And immediately he talked with them, and saith unto them, “Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.”  And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased: and they were sore amazed in themselves beyond measure, and wondered.

Notice two things here:

1. When the disciples were alone they were rowing against the wind, toiling and laboring and wearing themselves out; but when Jesus joined them, the wind ceased.
2. Jesus would have passed by them, except that they cried out. When they did that, he spoke peace and comfort to them and joined them. 

This tells me that when I find myself toiling and wearing myself out, I need to cry out to Jesus! He will give me rest.

I find that my Father brings me back to this again and again. I have tasted the rest of God. I have experienced periods of it and I know the peace that is found in having faith in Him. Still, my focus wanders and my Lord lovingly reminds me to return to Him and rest in Him. That doesn’t mean to just sit around doing nothing expecting God to subsidize my laziness. No! That means to live and work and serve and do what I can, while trusting Him to do what I cannot. 

There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. ~ Hebrews 4:9-11

***

Father, I trust You right now to make all the crooked places straight, to heal broken hearts, and mend broken lives. I trust You to handle all the things that are too big and too difficult for me to even comprehend. I stand before You, a worn-out cranky child, reaching up my arms for You to lift me up, embrace me, and comfort me. But mostly, Father, I ask You to lift up the ones that can’t reach up to You right now. Please, lift them up, hold them, comfort them, and lavish them with Your love.

Just Bein' a Bear...

"Surly Bear" - ink sketch

I woke up today feeling like Surly Bear. Tired, achy, and grumpy. As the day progressed, Snarly Bear even made a few appearances. I imagine this is what a bear feels like when her hibernation is interrupted. I know why I'm this way. I've been pushing too hard. I've been too busy for too long. I need to hibernate.

When I was a teenager, my uncle Jim nicknamed me "Bear," because I spent so much time in my bedroom. He said I was hibernating. In a way, I guess I was. I'd hibernate for awhile everyday after school. I needed that quiet time to unwind after eight hours of people, voices, noise, crowded hallways, concentration, learning, and praying that I didn't have to talk to anybody but my closest friends. I'm so thankful that Mom understood and allowed me that time as much as possible. Now, as an adult, it seems that there is always something needing to be done or someone needing my attention. I literally forget to hibernate. It's silly, I know. Like forgetting to eat, which I do far too often. It's a good thing that breathing is involuntary, or I'd get too busy for that.

Why is hibernation so necessary for me? Because I'm an introvert. I've known this since a very young age, yet back then the word introvert was synonymous with words like shy, withdrawn, and anti-social. It was thought that introverts just weren't comfortable around people. Made sense to me. I wasn't comfortable around people. I just never understood why. Today, there is a better understanding of introversion and extroversion. They both have to do with energy. Extroverts are energized by being around other people. Introverts, however, are drained by social situations. Instead, we draw energy from solitude. At least, that's the short, simplified explanation. There are lots of better explanations available, so I'll leave it at that. If you're hungry for more, I recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It helped me. A lot.

So, I've accepted that I'm a Bear, and as such I need to hibernate at times. If I don't, then I have to contend with Surly Bear, who's irritable and moody, or Snarly Bear, who snaps at the people she loves. There's also Edgy Bear, who's a pain because she can't be still and frets about every little thing. Those three bears are bad enough, but if not dealt with, they tend to transform into Dreary Bear that just sits like a lump and sees only bad things. Let's not even speak of the dreaded Raging Grizzly-Witchy Bear. It's always best to hibernate long before she gets loose.

Thankfully, in my home the phrase, "I need to introvert," is spoken and understood. I live with two more introverts and an extrovert with anti-social tendencies. We understand the need to hibernate. My challenge is that I allow other things to seem more important. I allow time to slip through my fingers in the name of busy. I am working to change that. Right now. This is hibernation. Even if it's only for a few hours or a few minutes. 

I believe that God intentionally created me to be an introvert. He knew who I would be and how I would need to be it. So, wisdom tells me to accept what I need and make room for it in my life. I need quiet time in which to unwind, think, create, pray, and simply BE. I need to absorb nature - feel the wind, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and warm in the sun. I need to get lost in a story, whether it's a book, a movie, or something I'm writing or daydreaming. I need to immerse myself in an art project and contemplate the mystical-magical interaction of light and color. I need to draw a line to see where it takes me. I need to get comfortable, take a deep breath, exhale, and truly relax. I need to have a deep heart-to-heart with my Father Creator, not just prayer-on-the-fly. I need to BE. And when I do such things, I get to be Cozy Bear, who is relaxed, content, and at peace. 

***

Lord, thank you for making me who I am. Please teach me how to be the me You see.

New Mercies

It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

2014 was a brutal year. It was a year of dismay, grief, pain, and life-altering changes. Yes, there were snippets of joy, victory, and laughter throughout; but it left me with an overall sense of gloom. The last week of December found me stunned, heartbroken, and barely able to function. 

I spent much of this year's first weekend wrapped in a blanket in a dark, quiet room. No television. Just quiet. I read and slept and pondered the above scripture. I kept thinking New Year - New Mercies. It seems to me that if the Lord's mercies and compassions are new every morning, then how fresh they must be in the dawn of a new year! The thought gave me hope. 

By the grace of His mercy and His great love, I can move forward leaning on His eternal strength. I can face the trials ahead with the knowledge that He supplies all my needs - strength, wisdom, peace, patience, joy, faith, and hope. I don't have to manufacture them on my own. I simply ask, and thus I am able to draw them up from the deep well of His abundance:

His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

His wisdom is freely given. 

His peace has already been given to me. 

Patience has her perfect work.

In His presence is fullness of joy.  

He is the author and the finisher of my faith. 

My hope is in Him.

Thank you, Lord, for a new year, new mercies, and Your unfailing compassions.

Photo credit - © 2014 Rick Welch 

The So-called “Great Failure”

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Remembering my wonderful adventure in Germany has brought many happy memories in the past two weeks; but remembering the difficulty it took to get there has brought some painful memories, too. In my last post, I mentioned that I was hesitant about going on the trip because it would be a constant reminder of what I secretly called My Great Failure. Although, it is still a difficult period of my life to look back on, I have to acknowledge God’s greatness through the entire trial and how He has continually turned what I saw as failure into a great personal triumph.

In my former church, there was once a very wonderful time when all was well and I was learning, serving and growing. Sadly, I took on more than I should have and found myself overwhelmed. I went to my pastor, repented and took a load off of my plate. I kept the one service that I knew I had been called to do. Unfortunately, too much damage had already been done. My stress and anxiety level was way too high. Certain situations in the church were adding to it. Newcomers stepped into leadership positions and caused problems for myself and my family. Good relationships turned sour. Lots of things happened in a very short period of time that wounded me deeply. I tried to play the good Christian and endure it in silence, but I was suffering inside. I knew that I needed to step down from all service and allow the Lord time to heal me. I met with my pastor and tried to do just that, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it. Instead, I agreed to a take a break. A couple of months went by with no real progress. I felt guilty for not doing what God called me to do. Prematurely, I went back to my pastor and agreed to step back into position. It was a huge mistake.

Within a few days, something happened that deeply wounded a member of my family. I watched him go from a place of ambition and inspiration to absolute defeat. It broke my heart and infuriated me. I reacted by turning in a letter of resignation from service and essentially saying that my family was leaving the church. I knew that resigning was the right thing to do. I could not have served well under the circumstances. However, it was not time to leave the church. I knew it and my husband knew it. I was just so deeply hurt and angry that I could not imagine going back. The Lord’s correction came to me swiftly. I cried all day and night, knowing that I had willfully, knowingly disobeyed God. The next day, my husband and I met with church leaders to repent. It went from bad to worse. I walked into the meeting truly repentant, but already feeling like a worthless failure. For two hours, my husband and I were berated about how badly we had hurt one of the leaders, about every mistake we had ever made while in that church, about how immature we were and more. We were told our behavior was manipulative and demonic. I wept through it all, drinking it all in and believing every word, although I knew in my heart it was an overreaction. I was utterly humiliated. I had been absolutely scourged by people whom I had held in very high regard. By the end of the meeting our repentance was accepted and we were allowed to remain in the church. Some encouragement was spoken and hugs were given all around. But, I wanted to die. I cried for days. Thankfully, my husband and a few very wise women recognized my dilemma and fervently prayed for me. The worst passed and I was able to go on, even though I still believed that I had failed God and ruined my destiny.

My church life was never the same. I did not want to go anymore. Rick would quietly ask me what God wanted me to do. I would go to church for Him. Although Rick and I never told anyone what happened, it seemed that everyone knew. Many people treated me differently. Before, I was greeted with smiles and hugs, now I was avoided. Only a handful of people still hugged me and made me feel loved. Tears were common before and after church. But I continued and I endured. God’s grace sustained me. Rick and I were required to sit out for several months, then eased back into service. I was allowed back on the team that I had formerly led. It was bittersweet. It was so wonderful to be ministering again, yet there were constant tears. Worst of all was the damaged relationship between me and a woman that I had always held very dear. I prayed for the relationship to be restored, but it remained strained.

Much to my amazement, I was chosen for the Germany team. I had desired to be a part of this ministry since first joining the church, but after all that had happened, I doubted whether or not I should go. I was concerned about the strained relationship. I made an attempt at reconciliation, but still sensed distance. I beat myself up over throwing away a position that would have had a greater impact on the trip. I still saw myself as a failure. I had no hope of leading a team again, I was simply thankful to be a part. To my surprise, I was told that after the trip, I would be able to step back up as team leader.

During the trip, there were bittersweet moments when that failure plagued me. But, overall, the trip restored my confidence. I am so grateful that my pastor allowed me to attend, minister, and especially, to teach. God’s grace had upheld me throughout the past difficult year and during the trip, He propelled me forward. Hope and faith returned. Full restoration seemed possible. And I could see God’s hand in my attending the conference, not as a leader, but simply as a member. The pressures of details and organization were not mine, so I had the luxury of focusing on God’s presence and resting in Him. I was free to have the profound experience of peace that I had.

Inspired and excited when I came home, I looked forward to teaching again and leading a team. Sadly, though, it was not to be. Many changes took place. The promotion I was offered was postponed. Lines of communication broke down for reasons I still do not understand. I was disappointed and angry again. But the Lord is so gracious. While in prayer last February, He revealed my heart’s secrets to me. I wanted so much to be restored, to prove my worth and value, and to undo the great failure. Those motives came to overshadow my motive to serve Him simply out of love. I saw how the enemy had set a trap for me and I had fallen into bondage of trying to prove myself. I realized that as long as I was in that church, I would be bound to that failure and my need to overcome it. God, in His great mercy, released my family from the church.  It was difficult, but necessary. I will have no idol before Him, especially not a position. Rick had known, even before the Germany trip, that our time there was limited. I had refused to see it. 

God was not the author of this trial, but He certainly has  gotten a lot of mileage from it. Rick and I both have grown a great deal. We have grown closer to each other too. I know that my husband believes in me even when I can’t believe in myself. And I’m learning to believe in myself, not for who I am alone, but for who I am in Christ. I know that I can go beyond myself and my comfort zone because God is with me.  When left to my own devices, I will fall. But, God will lift me up and set me high. Most importantly, the Lord has revealed to my heart a needful ministry and some necessary changes coming in the body of Christ. I have much to say on that, but later, not now. The Lord has turned this difficult time to my good in so many ways, too many to mention here, but I must give Him glory for carrying me through it. I have come to see that the situation was not so much My Great Failure as it was the simple, everyday failures of several people (including myself) who were just doing what they thought were the right things. Life happens. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. We pick up and move forward.

The Lord has been after me for a while to write this, not to place blame, expose, or hurt anyone; but to finish the healing of my heart. Writing, for me, brings catharsis. It is my hope that others can read, relate and be comforted that they are not alone. We all fail, we all make mistakes. But, we must forgive others and ourselves if we are to grow. By writing and sharing this chapter of my life, I am laying it at the foot of the cross, casting it before the Lord and releasing it into His hands. All is well.

I want to share one final testimony to the goodness of God. Shortly after that unfortunate letter and subsequent meeting, the Lord did the most wonderful thing. He led someone to bless our family with brand new washer and dryer – the ones I had looked at and wanted for years – complete with pedestals and in my favorite color. There I was, feeling like a miserable failure that had disappointed God; but He gave me a precious gift! I cried as I hugged the gift givers and thanked them. To me, it was more than a washer and dryer – it was a sign of God’s love, mercy and forgiveness. To this day, whenever I do laundry I think of His great love for me. In the glorious light of His love, all failures become insignificant!

Catching Up

Oh my, I have been away for far too long!

My last post was on my 49th birthday... only three months ago... well, nearly four. So, what have I been up to? I did a lot of writing in May, none of which I chose to share here. Some things were just for me. Other things are for later. May was a marvelous month! Lots of gardening, lots of heart-to-heart talks with the Lord (funny how those two things tend to go together), the beginning of summer movie blockbusters, and evenings sitting with my sweetheart.

Marvelous May changed into Joyful June (at least for the first half), because it was an extension of all the marvelous things in May... plus one really awesome day of fishing with my Dad and all the extended family. Then June became not so joyful. I had a very nasty fall which resulted in a severely sprained hip and a moderately sprained knee. The rest of June is a fog of pain, medication, crutches and laying back in the recliner because it hurt to sit. I have a very clear, happy memory of my guys taking me to see "The Searchers" at the theater. I had taken a pain pill, so sitting did not hurt too bad. It was so great to see John Wayne on the big screen for the first time in 34 years! Also, I remember my husband doing EVERYTHING! He completely ran the show around here and did an awesome job!!! Our sons were a great help too. I have never seen them so concerned about me. All in all, my guys spoiled me rotten. Except for the pain, it was pretty great!

Most of July is a blur, too. The highlight was that Rick and I had our 25th wedding anniversary. Since I was still on crutches, we could not take the trip that we had planned. That was a major bummer. But, we made the best of it and went out for a movie and dinner. It was lovely. Since our first ever movie date was spent watching a Disney princess - "Sleeping Beauty" - we thought it would be fitting to spend our 25th anniversary date watching another Disney princess; so we went to see "Brave." It was such fun! Then we went out for catfish and after that I was ready for the recliner and more pain meds. Not the wonderful celebration we had hoped for, but it was still very special. Hey, as long as I get to spend my anniversary with my man, then I'm blessed!

The highlight of August was our youngest son's 18th birthday.  I'm still in shock. My baby is grown! How could this happen? But, I have to say that I am very proud of that young man! He is so level-headed, kind and peaceful. I am amazed at his stability. In fact, I am very proud of both my sons! They are amazing men! I thank God for them continually!

So, as September approaches, I find myself on the mend. I am walking much easier. Sitting is still a pain, but I know that all is well. The past few months have been a difficult trial, but the Lord has been with me constantly. I have learned much about patience, healing, humility, faith and simply leaning on Jesus. I have learned that I am not superwoman, nor do I want to be. I've learned that my family can get along without my help, control and interference; but they'd rather not. That makes my heart so warm! I've been reminded what a blessing it is to simply walk. My Heavenly Father has turned this accident to my good in so many ways. I am grateful for His guidance, His companionship, His mercy, His patience and His healing touch. I am grateful for the grace that my husband and sons have extended to me throughout this trial. At times, I have been difficult, depressing and downright despicable. But, they loved me anyway! How absolutely divine is that? To be at your complete worst, yet still be loved!! I am exceedingly abundantly blessed!

Lord, help me to love others when they are at their worst. In fact, sometimes it's hard to love them when they are at their best. Please help me to see the good in them always. Make the eyes of my heart blind to outward appearances, so that I may see the heart of others as You do, Father. Help me to love with Your heart and extend mercy as do You. Thank You, Lord, for Your tender mercies!

Downcast / Uplifted

Sleeplessness at 3 a.m. / Resting in Him
Nagging physical pain / The promise of healing
Swirling vortex of  hopeless emotions / The anchor that is Jesus
Realizing that people would rather talk about me than to me / Talking to my Heavenly Father
Feeling rejected and abandoned / My husband's hand taking mine
Dark, heavy thoughts / Sitting in the sunshine of the garden
Waiting so very long for a restoration that doesn't come / My King's scepter held out to me
Absolute, irrational panic / Being led beside still waters
Thinking I could be dead and not missed / Knowing I would be immediately welcomed Home
Being desperately Homesick / Deciding to stay and walk it out
The lie of hopelessness / The truth of the hope in glory
Inner emptiness / The first bloom of spring
Bone-deep weariness / Christ's yoke
Loneliness / The dog that insists on being petted
Sadness / My sons' contagious laughter
Feeling useless / Creating something from nothing
Losing my way / A poem in my dreams -  
                          Stay in faith
                          Hold down the fort
                          Expect to hear a good report
Raging, roaring lions / The blood of Christ to hold them at bay
Feeling like an utter failure / Talking to my sons and knowing they are becoming fine men
Insecurity / Watching sparrows eating at the feeders and being reminded that my Lord cares
Emotional pain and bondage / Gratitude that I have never known desperate hardship
Missing loved ones who have passed on / Looking forward to eternity in their company
Anxiety / The calm purr of a cat on my lap
Ostracized / An unconditional embrace
The pressure of situations closing in around me / A deep breath
Being disregarded by people who once called me valuable / Being accepted in the Beloved
Overwhelming chaos in my thoughts / God's still voice
Captivity / The wind in my face
Fear / Unconditional, eternal love
Mountains of doubt / A seed of faith
Embarrassment and shame / The sea of forgetfulness
The dark night of the soul / The joy that comes in the morning
The possibility that no one will ever read this / Writing it anyway

My Testimony - Part Two

"Mighty Woman Found" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 2010

Jesus said...

"I have come as a Light into the world, so that whoever believes on Me should not remain in darkness." ~ John 12:46

"I am the Door..." ~ John 10:9

"I am the Way..." ~ John 14:6

This morning, nothing seemed more important than finishing this painting. I just couldn't leave that little girl sitting in that dark room any longer. As soon as the morning sunlight filtered into my studio, I was at the easel. Sunday evening, I had reached that place of "finished" where I had to sit back and look for the final touches. I made those few today. It's been a long, difficult battle; but, as Jesus said, it is finished.

As I mentioned in Part One, I've been carrying this painting for about eight years. The vision for it came with the revelation that the light in "Little Girl Lost" is Jesus. And, just like with that earlier painting, the title came with the vision. This painting is a continuation of the little girl's story... my story. Again, it is a self-portrait.

When I rededicated my life to Jesus in 2001, I was still in the grip of depression. On March 4, I sat in church service, choking back the tears. A very sweet woman named Natalie came over to me during the altar call and invited me to go up with her for prayer. When I stepped up to the Pastor and the woman that was ministering with him, all I could say was, "I'm having a hard time." Then the tears came. They began to pray in the Holy Spirit and the woman suddenly said, "Depression, get off of her in the name of Jesus!" There was such authority in her voice! And she knew! How did she know? She called out the very thing, the very name of that horrible plague that had defined my life for so long. I knew that God was at work. As she prayed over me, the minister kept saying, "You're free." Then she had me say. "I'm free." She told me to write down that day's date as the day I was set free. I wrote it in my Bible.

One week later, a visiting minister held a healing altar call. Rick's back pain was healed that night. After witnessing that miracle, I went up for prayer as well. I knew there had been a change in the past week. The depression had eased, but I still had the insomnia, fatigue and anxiety that always went with it. As the minister prayed for me that night, I felt something physically drain from my body, from my head downwards as though it were running down and puddling at my feet. I was flooded with relief and was weak all over. The closest sensation I have ever had was a shot of Demerol, but that doesn't even come close. Rick practically had to carry me to the car. That night I slept better than I ever had in my life.

From that time forward, I experienced a peace and a joy in my life that I never thought I could have. Depression may have defined twenty-five years of my life, but Jesus has defined the last ten. I know that the Lord touched me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I have not taken a single anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication since that time. The depression tried to return a few times, but I stood against it and it could not stay. Until last fall, when I stumbled back into the pit. For the past year, it's been an emotional roller coaster. I have refused to just lay down and give in the way I used to, so this time around has been very different. I have stayed very close to the Lord and I've kept my face turned to the Light.

Which brings me back to this painting. I've carried the vision of it - the little girl grown into a woman, the window actually a door and the true Light come to set her free. But I could never bring myself to paint it, until I found myself in that dark room again. I knew that it was time. I had to paint my way out of that room - once and for all.

"Little Girl Lost" is the easiest painting I have ever done. "Mighty Woman Found" is certainly the most difficult. I have labored over it more than any other painting. I have suffered through so much torment in my soul since I began painting it. I've stepped into some traps and made some mistakes. I was so tempted, so many times, to just quit painting. But, I was determined to finish this painting. It has been such a fight! I laid down a lot to see this one through.

Why was this painting so hard? I believe it's because we have an enemy, God's enemy, who is determined to hamper the efforts of Christians to spread the Gospel. What did the devil really care for a depressed housewife to paint a picture of a little girl with "hope"? The Holy Spirit worked through me with little or no interference. But, for a woman of faith to find the way out of darkness and paint a picture that demonstrates that way out - well, that just might be considered a threat. Praise God!! It is my desire and my prayer that "Mighty Woman Found" will find her way into the lives of others who are trapped in the dark and show them the Way out.

When I began, I did not see what was in the doorway. I knew that Jesus was there, but I expected it to be filled with light. It was only as I was painting that I began to see past the door. A path took shape, then a garden grew. I believe these two paintings tell the story of a little girl who grew up in the Light, although she was surrounded by darkness. Finally, she was drawn to the Light and looked fully into it, realizing its source. She called out to the Light and He answered. He opened a door into the darkness and offered her freedom. She took His hand....

For a few weeks now, I have been seeing the woman stand up and walk out of that room - always from the perspective of the painting's viewer. This morning, after I signed the painting, I sat back and closed my eyes. I saw through the eyes of the woman in the painting. I looked into His face and I stood up. I followed Him out the door and it closed behind us. I felt His hand. I felt the stones beneath my feet. I smelled the roses. I felt the sunlight and the breeze. Joy came this morning, and with it, laughter. Holding my Lord's hand, I began to walk the path of my destiny.

Therefore if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed. ~ John 8:36

My Testimony - Part One

"Little Girl Lost" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 1991

And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
~ John 1:5 (MKJV)

For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. ~ Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)

This painting has been hanging over my desk for several years, waiting for me to paint part two. It is a self-portrait and it is the beginning of my testimony. Yes, so sad, I know. But look at the light. As it turns out, this painting is not about the little girl, it's about the light. But I'll get back to that.

I painted this one in 1991. At that time, I wanted desperately to get back to painting, so I audited a painting class at Tarrant County College. I already had a Bachelor's degree in Art, but I thought the studio environment would give me a "jump start". Something amazing happened in that class - I went a direction in painting where I had never gone - I painted the dark places of my life. That had always been taboo before, as I opted instead to paint "pretty pictures" that gave me a sense of escape. By the end of the class, I had painted fear, depression, anger, jealousy and denial. My last painting for the class was this one -
"Little Girl Lost".

The image came to me very clearly and complete. The title came with the vision. I knew it had to be large, so I bought a 30"x40" canvas and dove in. This is the easiest painting I have ever done. As I said, the vision came so clearly. I used an old photograph of myself as a reference for the little girl, with some changes. I was amazed at how quickly it came together and was finished. I knew when I painted it that it was the most powerful work I had ever done. But I had no idea why.

The little girl in the painting is me. I knew from the beginning that it was a self-portrait. Everyone that sees this painting has the same reaction, "She's so sad." Yes, she is. I was an extremely shy child and there was a lot of sadness and loneliness that came with that. As a teenager, I became terribly depressed. It puzzled everyone. I came from a good, loving family. I was spoiled rotten - in a good way. I was never abused. Yet, I didn't want to live. I was in terrible emotional pain. My mom had also suffered from depression, so she did the only thing she knew to do - she took me to the doctor. So, at age 13, I was prescribed anti-depressants and sent to a counselor. That was the beginning of 25 years of therapy and medication (I took over a dozen different kinds during that time). I was eventually diagnosed with chronic depression (due to a hereditary chemical imbalance), anxiety, panic attacks and borderline agoraphobia. I was told there was no cure, just medication and learning some "coping skills". Medication never really helped that much, and I was not very good at coping. So I mostly suffered and trudged through life anyway. It's that torment of depression that the little girl portrays.

She sits in a dark room - totally black (In the photo, the brush strokes tend to reflect light and look gray, but it is really solid black - only Rick could get it to photograph this good). I have always seen the room as the black pit of depression, but it has many names and many places within it. It is the place of "would've-could've-should've" and the prison of fear. There is a dead-end hallway of people pleasing, a pacing track of anxiety, a pounding wall of anger and an even deeper hole of suicidal thoughts. Anyway, enough about that. I know the place all too well and I hate it!

I won't even begin to talk about the darkness. Darkness talks about itself quite enough. And it always talks about what is wrong with everything.

The real subject of this painting is the light. In that dark room, there is a window filled with light. That light pours in and shines upon the little girl, even though she doesn't recognize it. When I painted this, I was most fascinated by the light. I loved the way that it pierced the darkness and caressed the child. At the time, I thought of the light as hope. I was still battling depression then, but I was finally in a place of hope. I now believe that the light was always shining on the little girl. Sometimes she saw it, quite often she warmed herself in it and it always gave her the strength to go on. She just did not know how to get to the light. She always thought it was just out of reach.

There is one other element in the painting that I would point out. Behind the child is a figure of a woman in the darkness. It is painted with the same black as the background and is only delineated by palette knife strokes. I painted it with the intention that it be the destined woman that the little girl would grow to be, hidden in the darkness.

Fast forward to 2002 and the painting was stored behind my bedroom dresser. The year before, I had rededicated my life to the Lord and He had pulled me out of that pit. I had been off anti-depressants for about a year and was doing better than I had ever been. While in prayer one day, the Lord reminded me of this painting and I had an "ah-ha" moment. I ran to get the painting, pulled it out, dusted it off and marveled at what the Lord had shown me. Jesus said "I am the light of the world." The light is Jesus! He had been right there with me always, through all the pain and darkness. I have known Jesus from a very young age (thanks to my sister Debbie) and I can truly say that at the lowest points in my life, it was Him that pulled me up. He gave me the strength to finish high school when I thought I couldn't. He gave me the courage to go to college and the tenacity to finish. He helped me to love when I was terrified to. He sat with me through all the dark nights of my tormented soul, gave me sleep and got me up in the morning. The only two times that I ever actively sought to end my life, He physically stopped me from harming myself. The last time, I actually felt His physical embrace. There is nothing like it on this earth. Pure peace. He is the light of my life, and always has been, even when I didn't realize it. He is faithful, even when we are not.

When the revelation of the light came to me, a vision for another painting did too. I saw the next painting of my testimony. That painting has grown within my spirit like a baby for the past eight years. Labor began last spring when I finally started it. It will be finished very soon. I expect to share it in my next blog post.

At the end of that audited painting class, we had a class critique. I only remember one comment from that critique. The instructor said that the darkness looked impenetrable. She thought it was just too dark and intense and no light could possibly cut through it. I smiled and said, "No, there is light. There, most definitely, is light!"

To be continued... My Testimony - Part Two