The Eye of the Beholder

About fifteen months ago, I wrote a blog entry that I never posted. It was the most difficult one I have ever written. It took over a month to write, and even when it was finished, I hesitated to post it. Several days into that hesitation, I had an accident that left my hip injured and my confidence shattered. The entry was left in my files, unpublished - a bold statement, a declaration of freedom - hidden away. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and decided that it deserves posting. So, here it is...

~~~

June 6, 2012 -

Recently, I watched an episode of the original Twilight Zone series entitled The Eye of the Beholder. It's the story of a woman who undergoes experimental medical treatments in an attempt to make her look "normal." If you've never seen it, you should. I found it for free on vudu.com; but it's also available on Amazon, Netflix and Itunes. I won't post any spoilers here, but I will say that it is a timely parable about conformity and our need to "fit in."

I have not seen this episode in many years. Although I remembered the plot quite clearly, I was surprised by the impact that the message has on me now. I thought I knew this story. Yet, as I watched, I found myself understanding it at a deeper level than ever before. I was particularly struck by the overwhelming influence of "society" as portrayed in the story by the doctors, nurses and the leader. They represented a deeply ingrained prejudice against anyone who looked different than themselves - a prejudice that was even shared by the woman protagonist. She hated herself because society had taught her to do so. As I watched the program this time around, I found myself identifying with the woman in bandages.

Last Fall, I woke up to the realization that my self-esteem was in decline and had been slipping for some time. There were several factors involved, but a major factor was my body image. I was ashamed of my weight. Plus-size women are pretty common in my family tree. I have never been small and never expect to be so. I guess there has always been some internal conflict for me concerning size. Part of me easily accepts that I'm just a big girl - the same as I accept that my eyes are brown. Yet, another part of me has always felt guilty about that acceptance. Sometimes the guilt has been stronger and sometimes the acceptance has had the upper hand. Influences have played a prominent role in the struggle.

I went through a particularly rough spell in college after ballooning up one summer as the result of an anti-depressant medication's side effect. I felt very self-conscious and sunk deeper into depression. But, my studies actually helped to combat my insecurities. Art history class taught me that the concept of the ideal human form changes from era to era. Voluptuous female bodies have been considered the perfect form in many eras. Peter Paul Rubens painted curvy, full-figured goddesses that are quite beautiful. Venus at the Mirror is my favorite. In human anatomy, I learned that women's bodies are designed to store fat more so than men's. In figure drawing classes, we had many different models. The large women were the most fun to draw. Their curves were so beautiful. The thin models were more difficult to draw - angular rather than curvy. They had a different kind of beauty. All of them were lovely. Learning such things gave me a better opinion of my own body. I swung back to acceptance mode.

Other influences have not been as positive. All my life, I have had women around me that were trying to lose weight. Some have been unsuccessful in getting the pounds off. Most of those who did succeed have been unsuccessful at keeping them off. So, I've never been convinced that diets are worth the trouble. I've come to realize that the more time I spend with women who are extremely weight conscious, the worse I feel about myself. I cannot begin to describe how painful it is to hear women complain about being fat and needing to lose weight when they are several sizes smaller than me! It has happened so many times and each time, without realizing it,  I internalized shame. The past few years have been particularly hard for me in this respect. Such talk has always come across to me as an accusation, even if it was not meant to be. It's as though I am expected to take the hint. It's as if I am being covertly judged. I have actually had women pray for me to lose weight, when I did not request it. I have been told where to sit, so that I don't crowd others. I have been told (by thin women) how I should dress for my figure (again, without requesting the advice). I have been told I should become a vegetarian. I understand that these women thought they were being helpful; but in truth, they were being hurtful. God has been helping me to deal with the resulting pain and anger. He has helped me to see that those women were dealing with their own body issues. He is helping me to forgive and move on.

I have kept these things to myself as much as possible, battling the increasing shame in secret. I've cried on my husband's shoulder when it was the most difficult and have gotten his continual reassurance that I am beautiful just as I am. I have poured my heart out to the Lord again and again. At times, I gave in to peer pressure and convinced myself that I needed to lose weight. I would seek the Lord on the matter, promising to do whatever he led me to do. I never sensed a release. I never had peace about pursuing weight loss. I sensed so strongly that He was telling me to wait on Him. In doing so, I have come a very different path than the one I expected.

Instead of revealing a divine weight loss plan, the Lord revealed my own insecurities and my own acceptance of society's prejudice against full-figured women. As I mentioned, last Fall my eyes were open to my own destructive thoughts. I was comparing my appearance to that of the women around me and the women represented as "beautiful" by a biased media. I was buying in to all the hype that "thin is good and fat is evil." I did not see myself as beautiful, even though my husband tells me that I am. I did not see myself as healthy, even though the results of my last physical exam were pristine (the doctor's own word). I was deceived.

 If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then we must consider the purity of the eye in question. Has it been contaminated by society's fickle whims? Mine were. I have come to realize that I didn't need the numbers on my scale to drop... I needed the scales to drop off my own eyes. I have been reprogramming my thoughts with God's Word. It says that physical beauty is vanity that fades as the grass. It also says that God is no respecter of persons. He does not prefer thin people over heavy. He tells us to come to Him as we are. He looks upon our heart, not our outward appearance. God associates true beauty with holiness. I choose to pursue holiness as a beauty treatment. Not a holier-than-thou attitude, but an acknowledgement that I am imperfect, weak in my own efforts, and dependent on the Lord for His strength.

I have also been doing research of a more practical sort. Last month, I read a book entitled Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight. Reading it was absolutely liberating. Now I know what is behind the so-called "obesity epidemic." Money. There is money to be made in the weight loss industry. If you want to know more, read the book. I won't go into it here. I came away from that book with revelation of two things: I am beautiful NOW and I am healthy NOW! I don't have to lose weight to be those two things. I don't have to lose weight to be valid... to be useful... to be loved... to be accepted. I am now! When I read the section of the book that brought about that epiphany, I cried great big tears of relief! I sought the Lord as I wept and I sensed release and confirmation in my heart. It was for this revelation that the Lord had me wait.

I have taken much of the book's advice, and in doing so I have experienced some amazing changes. I am looking at my own reflection with that artist's eye that once saw the beauty in women of all sizes. I like what I see in the mirror! I smile back at myself. I'm primping more, just for the fun of it - wearing jewelry... fixing my hair... I even painted my nails! I am eating more, but making better choices. No more starving myself between meals. I do not deny myself any type of food; instead I relish the taste of it and I'm satisfied quicker. No more guilty eating. I laugh at the scale instead of calling it a liar. It has no power over me now!!! Ha!! My weight has stayed the same, but I am rejoicing about it! I go for walks because I want to, not because I "have to" and I'm walking more often. I am much happier and far less anxious. At one time, I believed that I would have to change my body in order to feel good about myself. It turns out that I only had to change my mind!

Weight loss is not a goal for me. Enjoying my life right now is my goal. Living in the moment, without the bondage and pressure of "fitting in" is my goal. Maintaining my health is my goal. Taking care of my body is my goal. Guarding my eyes and ears from derogatory influences is my goal.  But, I have another goal and I believe it is the entire reason that the Lord led me to the place I am today. My goal is to become a confident woman, comfortable in my own body, so that I can be a light to other women who are struggling in theirs. I want to tell them that God loves them no matter what they weigh and it's okay for them to love themselves. By being secure in who I am right now, I can more confidently reach beyond myself to bless others. By getting body issues out of the way, I can put more energy into pursuing God.

Now, back to that Twilight Zone episode and the woman in bandages.... Is she any different than the countless women in our society today who believe they must lose weight in order to be "normal"?  Are bariatric surgery, liposuction, diet pills, calorie restrictions, fat gram counting, relentless exercising and other weight loss programs really any different than the experiments that the woman in bandages endured? Give it some thought. And if you haven't seen the episode, watch it. It will bless you.

I know many women right now who are losing weight or trying to do so. Please know that I love you dearly and I do support you even though I won't be joining your efforts. I congratulate you for every pound lost, because I know how difficult it is. Yet, there are two things that I desperately want to tell you: First, you are beautiful right now, this minute. You have been beautiful all along. Yes, physically beautiful! You, yes you!! You know I'm talking to you! You are beautiful!! Second, It's perfectly fine to believe this about yourself right now. Don't wait until you reach that goal, or the next goal after that one. Don't let your self-worth and self-image get caught up in some ideal vision of yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Take a long, hard look at the influences in your life that make you feel ugly, fat or in any way deficient. Reject them. Cast them down. Allow God to show you how beautiful you really are. You are beautiful right now!

~~~

September 28, 2013 -
It's been a long road from there to here, and the past fifteen months have been some of the most challenging of my life. A bad fall tore tendons in my left hip, causing me terrible pain. Standing, walking, and sitting were unbearable. I could only get comfortable laying flat. It took months to heal. Just after the pain really receded, I had some serious symptoms that caused my doctor to caution me that it might be cancer. After lots of tests, it turned out that I only had a severe hormone imbalance, most likely triggered by stress from the hip injury. That's been corrected, and I'm learning how to keep it corrected. What I really gained from all those tests was confirmation that, yes, I AM healthy. I still weigh the same that I did fifteen months ago. I don't care! What I do care about is that I don't hate my body. It's not my enemy, it's just my body. I'm taking good care of it... and I still think it's beautiful.

A Mouse in the Bird Feeder

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.*

 

 

As Rick went to fill our bird feeders yesterday, he found a surprise. A mouse was inside one of the feeders, eating the few little seeds left at the bottom. Of course, Rick came to get me immediately. Any wildlife sightings on our little suburban habitat are shared with excitement. He tried to get a picture of the little guy, but, as you can see, the clear plastic was clouded by age and dirt (time to clean the feeder). Thinking he was stuck inside, Rick took down the feeder carefully, planning to open it and lay it down for the critter to escape. Well, he sure fooled us. As soon as the feeder moved, he slipped through a tiny slit at the bottom, jumped down and skittered to the brush pile in a flash.

I suspect this is the same mouse that I spied a couple of months ago. While gardening in the back yard, I saw a mouse zip along our back fence and right up the wisteria vine that grows upward from the fence into the branches of a large oak tree. His speed and agility impressed me. I walked over to the tree and spotted him on one of the branches. He sat nestled on the limb, watching me with his tiny black eyes. His big round ears listened as I told him I had never seen a mouse in a tree before. We had a nice little conversation until Rick and Quinten walked outside and asked me what I was doing. Apparently, they were a little amused to find me standing in the backyard, looking upward into a tree, and talking. Personally, I think they should be used to such behavior by now. Anyway, the mouse must have been too shy for so many visitors, because he ran further up into the tree and disappeared. The guys got a glimpse of him as he went, which helped to validate my story.

Lately, I find so much joy in such small moments as these. Even as I write this, I stop to watch a squirrel eating corn from the squirrel feeder, and another raiding the freshly filled bird feeder, straining and bending like a carnival contortionist to get at the seed. Kitty Mau joins me at the computer, asking "Mhuh?" and "Mngow?" Her words for "Whatchya doin'?" and "Can I help?" She's being very verbal today. I have to pause while she nestles herself in my lap. I am grateful for the animals in my life, wild and tame, big and small. They entertain me, comfort me, amaze me and help me keep things in perspective. They are a constant reminder of God's heart. He cared enough to put a vast number of animals on the earth in all shapes, sizes, colors and species. He made sure each had provision and the ability to live in its particular climate and adapt to natural shifts in seasons and weather. What a grand design! If God can orchestrate all of that, He can certainly handle my little life.

*The first stanza from the hymn All Things Bright and Beautiful by Mrs. Cecil F. Alexander.

The Feast

There once was a great man who was troubled by the hunger that he saw all around him. He provided a lavish feast of all the finest delicacies and he invited everyone to attend the feast and partake of its marvelous bounty. There was no charge. The great man, as master of the feast, had paid the bill in full. Word began to spread. Many people came and enjoyed the feast. Others heard about the feast, but mistakenly thought they must pay for their meal. They set about working so that they could earn their place at the table. Still others heard about the meal, but felt excluded. They did not know the invitation extended to them. Many thought that the invitation was only for the elite, so their lowly status kept them from attending. The master was saddened because he had provided sufficiency for all, and many had yet to receive. He was troubled to see the bickering that took place at some tables, as his guests vied for the best foods when there was more than enough. He watched in disgust as people guarded their tables and excluded others from sitting with them, or even drove some away from their midst. His heart was most grieved by the guests who had eaten their fill, but now stood in the doorway turning away the hungry. These self-appointed guards barred entrance to the starved because they were too hungry, too different. Word soon spread outside the feasting hall that the people at the feast were terrible and cruel, and so assumed that the master of the feast was likewise terrible and cruel. However, there was a remnant of guests who understood the master’s intention. They knew that he provided the feast out of his great love for the people, so that no one would ever starve. They received the bounty with gratitude and gladly shared it with others, taking food out to those who were excluded. With kindness, they spread the word that the meal was free and all were welcome. They gladdened the master’s heart by fulfilling his purpose.

***

I tell this story to paint a picture of Christianity. I believe that when Jesus was crucified, he paid for the sins of all mankind - past, present, and future. He is the master of the feast. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness are the food. The hungry are those who were born into this fallen world, bound to sin by default. Not sin, the action, but sin, the state of being. Partaking of the master’s feast changes one’s state of being from sin to righteousness, from hungry to filled, born again into a relationship with our Creator. The most important point that I want to make is this - the table was laid and food was provided for all. The master’s wish was that all would come and be filled. There are obstacles that keep some from receiving; but forgiveness, grace and mercy are available for all. 

So, on this Easter Sunday, this day of celebrating His glorious Resurrection, I gratefully honor the Master who paid the price for all mankind to be filled. His sacrifice provided restoration to a place of right-standing with our Creator, regardless of our faults, mistakes, lifestyles or efforts. I receive forgiveness. I embrace grace. I proclaim mercy. I encourage the hungry to receive His bounty today and be filled. Know that the One who created you loves you with a great passion. He sees past your imperfections and loves you right now, for who you are. And, finally, I ask those who are filled: Are you barring the door, or are you inviting them inside?

It's Been Awhile...

A long while....

[deep cleansing sigh........]

Catching up...

The seasons shifted from Fall to Winter and now Spring is fast approaching. I have watched the seasons closely, drinking in the details of nature undergoing her metamorphoses. Fall was a delight! As summer waned, I scanned the green trees for signs of color change. Daily, I noted the subtle shifts in color. As the season progressed, subtlety gave way to drama as green gave way to yellow, gold, red and burnt orange. The yard filled with leaves as the trees emptied. Rick and I watched the squirrels search for hiding places for their treasured pecans. Most of them are buried in my garden. Winter settled in with the usual fickle Texas weather. Once again, God graced us with a white Christmas. Big fluffy flakes hurried down all day and blanketed nature in a quiet stillness. My family played in it, loved it, then warmed ourselves by the fire. Perfection! The trees have slept in watchful, still slumber with their bare-boned branches silhouetted starkly against the gunmetal skies. The squirrels have returned to recover their buried treasure. Birds have flocked the feeders and roosted in the hedges and brush pile, singing their wintry songs. Now the neighbor's elm has donned an ephemeral veil of green. The hyacinths are blooming and filling the garden with their lovely scent. Spring is hurrying to displace Winter, who is holding his ground today with a cold rain. Not since I was a child, have I so enjoyed the changing seasons and the details of nature.

My physical body has been through the wringer for the past few months. I don't wish to share the details; but after many unpleasant tests and too much waiting, I can finally say that all is well and balance is being restored. I can also say that my confidence in the medical industry has never been lower and my faith in Jesus as my healer has never been greater. Each trip to the doctor left me with questions, doubts and fear. But the Lord was my anchor. He reminded me continually to fear not and believe only. He told me the end at the very beginning. All is well. He taught me to cease from my own self-efforts and simply rest in Him, trust in Him, believe His word, surrender to Him. On the outside I have had so much anxiety, but at my very center, He is there with complete peace. I am learning to let the peace spread from the center outward. I am learning... so... much.... God is good and His mercy endures forever. His love never fails. Nothing can separate me from His love. This is truth.

How powerful it is to simply let God be true. To acknowledge that He has all the answers and is simply waiting for us to ask Him the questions. Just two nights ago, I had such a concern on my heart for a loved one. As I laid down to sleep, I asked God for help and committed the situation to Him. I awoke the next morning to the answer. Five minutes of research confirmed it. So simple. Answered prayer. It amazes me how much energy we expend on worry and doubt and fear; how hard we work to solve our own problems, like hamsters on a wheel; how many times we try to pull answers from family, friends, mentors, experts and the internet, when they obviously know no more than we. And through all of that effort on our part, God simply waits, with all the answers we need, for us to realize that we need Him. And when we come to Him in faith and simply ask, the answer comes. Maybe not immediately, maybe not the way we expect, but the answer does come. He is faithful.

Dear reader, I encourage you today to simply believe God. Commit your cares to Him and ask for His help. Cast negative thoughts and emotions aside and breathe in His goodness. Take a moment to drink in the beauty of nature and notice the changing seasons. Thank God for the beauty around you, the health that you have, your loved ones, and all His tender mercies.

Be blessed!