"Art requires much calm, and to paint the things of Christ one must live with Christ..." - Fra Angelico

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My Testimony - Part Two

"Mighty Woman Found" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 2010
Jesus said...

"I have come as a Light into the world, so that whoever believes on Me should not remain in darkness." ~ John 12:46

"I am the Door..." ~ John 10:9

"I am the Way..." ~ John 14:6

This morning, nothing seemed more important than finishing this painting. I just couldn't leave that little girl sitting in that dark room any longer. As soon as the morning sunlight filtered into my studio, I was at the easel. Sunday evening, I had reached that place of "finished" where I had to sit back and look for the final touches. I made those few today. It's been a long, difficult battle; but, as Jesus said, it is finished.

As I mentioned in Part One, I've been carrying this painting for about eight years. The vision for it came with the revelation that the light in "Little Girl Lost" is Jesus. And, just like with that earlier painting, the title came with the vision. This painting is a continuation of the little girl's story... my story. Again, it is a self-portrait.

When I rededicated my life to Jesus in 2001, I was still in the grip of depression. On March 4, I sat in church service, choking back the tears. A very sweet woman named Natalie came over to me during the altar call and invited me to go up with her for prayer. When I stepped up to the Pastor and the woman that was ministering with him, all I could say was, "I'm having a hard time." Then the tears came. They began to pray in the Holy Spirit and the woman suddenly said, "Depression, get off of her in the name of Jesus!" There was such authority in her voice! And she knew! How did she know? She called out the very thing, the very name of that horrible plague that had defined my life for so long. I knew that God was at work. As she prayed over me, the minister kept saying, "You're free." Then she had me say. "I'm free." She told me to write down that day's date as the day I was set free. I wrote it in my Bible.

One week later, a visiting minister held a healing altar call. Rick's back pain was healed that night. After witnessing that miracle, I went up for prayer as well. I knew there had been a change in the past week. The depression had eased, but I still had the insomnia, fatigue and anxiety that always went with it. As the minister prayed for me that night, I felt something physically drain from my body, from my head downwards as though it were running down and puddling at my feet. I was flooded with relief and was weak all over. The closest sensation I have ever had was a shot of Demerol, but that doesn't even come close. Rick practically had to carry me to the car. That night I slept better than I ever had in my life.

From that time forward, I experienced a peace and a joy in my life that I never thought I could have. Depression may have defined twenty-five years of my life, but Jesus has defined the last ten. I know that the Lord touched me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I have not taken a single anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication since that time. The depression tried to return a few times, but I stood against it and it could not stay. Until last fall, when I stumbled back into the pit. For the past year, it's been an emotional roller coaster. I have refused to just lay down and give in the way I used to, so this time around has been very different. I have stayed very close to the Lord and I've kept my face turned to the Light.

Which brings me back to this painting. I've carried the vision of it - the little girl grown into a woman, the window actually a door and the true Light come to set her free. But I could never bring myself to paint it, until I found myself in that dark room again. I knew that it was time. I had to paint my way out of that room - once and for all.

"Little Girl Lost" is the easiest painting I have ever done. "Mighty Woman Found" is certainly the most difficult. I have labored over it more than any other painting. I have suffered through so much torment in my soul since I began painting it. I've stepped into some traps and made some mistakes. I was so tempted, so many times, to just quit painting. But, I was determined to finish this painting. It has been such a fight! I laid down a lot to see this one through.

Why was this painting so hard? I believe it's because we have an enemy, God's enemy, who is determined to hamper the efforts of Christians to spread the Gospel. What did the devil really care for a depressed housewife to paint a picture of a little girl with "hope"? The Holy Spirit worked through me with little or no interference. But, for a woman of faith to find the way out of darkness and paint a picture that demonstrates that way out - well, that just might be considered a threat. Praise God!! It is my desire and my prayer that "Mighty Woman Found" will find her way into the lives of others who are trapped in the dark and show them the Way out.

When I began, I did not see what was in the doorway. I knew that Jesus was there, but I expected it to be filled with light. It was only as I was painting that I began to see past the door. A path took shape, then a garden grew. I believe these two paintings tell the story of a little girl who grew up in the Light, although she was surrounded by darkness. Finally, she was drawn to the Light and looked fully into it, realizing its source. She called out to the Light and He answered. He opened a door into the darkness and offered her freedom. She took His hand....

For a few weeks now, I have been seeing the woman stand up and walk out of that room - always from the perspective of the painting's viewer. This morning, after I signed the painting, I sat back and closed my eyes. I saw through the eyes of the woman in the painting. I looked into His face and I stood up. I followed Him out the door and it closed behind us. I felt His hand. I felt the stones beneath my feet. I smelled the roses. I felt the sunlight and the breeze. Joy came this morning, and with it, laughter. Holding my Lord's hand, I began to walk the path of my destiny.

Therefore if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed. ~ John 8:36

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Testimony - Part One

"Little Girl Lost" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 1991

And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
~ John 1:5 (MKJV)

For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. ~ Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)

This painting has been hanging over my desk for several years, waiting for me to paint part two. It is a self-portrait and it is the beginning of my testimony. Yes, so sad, I know. But look at the light. As it turns out, this painting is not about the little girl, it's about the light. But I'll get back to that.

I painted this one in 1991. At that time, I wanted desperately to get back to painting, so I audited a painting class at Tarrant County College. I already had a Bachelor's degree in Art, but I thought the studio environment would give me a "jump start". Something amazing happened in that class - I went a direction in painting where I had never gone - I painted the dark places of my life. That had always been taboo before, as I opted instead to paint "pretty pictures" that gave me a sense of escape. By the end of the class, I had painted fear, depression, anger, jealousy and denial. My last painting for the class was this one -
"Little Girl Lost".

The image came to me very clearly and complete. The title came with the vision. I knew it had to be large, so I bought a 30"x40" canvas and dove in. This is the easiest painting I have ever done. As I said, the vision came so clearly. I used an old photograph of myself as a reference for the little girl, with some changes. I was amazed at how quickly it came together and was finished. I knew when I painted it that it was the most powerful work I had ever done. But I had no idea why.

The little girl in the painting is me. I knew from the beginning that it was a self-portrait. Everyone that sees this painting has the same reaction, "She's so sad." Yes, she is. I was an extremely shy child and there was a lot of sadness and loneliness that came with that. As a teenager, I became terribly depressed. It puzzled everyone. I came from a good, loving family. I was spoiled rotten - in a good way. I was never abused. Yet, I didn't want to live. I was in terrible emotional pain. My mom had also suffered from depression, so she did the only thing she knew to do - she took me to the doctor. So, at age 13, I was prescribed anti-depressants and sent to a counselor. That was the beginning of 25 years of therapy and medication (I took over a dozen different kinds during that time). I was eventually diagnosed with chronic depression (due to a hereditary chemical imbalance), anxiety, panic attacks and borderline agoraphobia. I was told there was no cure, just medication and learning some "coping skills". Medication never really helped that much, and I was not very good at coping. So I mostly suffered and trudged through life anyway. It's that torment of depression that the little girl portrays.

She sits in a dark room - totally black (In the photo, the brush strokes tend to reflect light and look gray, but it is really solid black - only Rick could get it to photograph this good). I have always seen the room as the black pit of depression, but it has many names and many places within it. It is the place of "would've-could've-should've" and the prison of fear. There is a dead-end hallway of people pleasing, a pacing track of anxiety, a pounding wall of anger and an even deeper hole of suicidal thoughts. Anyway, enough about that. I know the place all too well and I hate it!

I won't even begin to talk about the darkness. Darkness talks about itself quite enough. And it always talks about what is wrong with everything.

The real subject of this painting is the light. In that dark room, there is a window filled with light. That light pours in and shines upon the little girl, even though she doesn't recognize it. When I painted this, I was most fascinated by the light. I loved the way that it pierced the darkness and caressed the child. At the time, I thought of the light as hope. I was still battling depression then, but I was finally in a place of hope. I now believe that the light was always shining on the little girl. Sometimes she saw it, quite often she warmed herself in it and it always gave her the strength to go on. She just did not know how to get to the light. She always thought it was just out of reach.

There is one other element in the painting that I would point out. Behind the child is a figure of a woman in the darkness. It is painted with the same black as the background and is only delineated by palette knife strokes. I painted it with the intention that it be the destined woman that the little girl would grow to be, hidden in the darkness.

Fast forward to 2002 and the painting was stored behind my bedroom dresser. The year before, I had rededicated my life to the Lord and He had pulled me out of that pit. I had been off anti-depressants for about a year and was doing better than I had ever been. While in prayer one day, the Lord reminded me of this painting and I had an "ah-ha" moment. I ran to get the painting, pulled it out, dusted it off and marveled at what the Lord had shown me. Jesus said "I am the light of the world." The light is Jesus! He had been right there with me always, through all the pain and darkness. I have known Jesus from a very young age (thanks to my sister Debbie) and I can truly say that at the lowest points in my life, it was Him that pulled me up. He gave me the strength to finish high school when I thought I couldn't. He gave me the courage to go to college and the tenacity to finish. He helped me to love when I was terrified to. He sat with me through all the dark nights of my tormented soul, gave me sleep and got me up in the morning. The only two times that I ever actively sought to end my life, He physically stopped me from harming myself. The last time, I actually felt His physical embrace. There is nothing like it on this earth. Pure peace. He is the light of my life, and always has been, even when I didn't realize it. He is faithful, even when we are not.

When the revelation of the light came to me, a vision for another painting did too. I saw the next painting of my testimony. That painting has grown within my spirit like a baby for the past eight years. Labor began last spring when I finally started it. It will be finished very soon. I expect to share it in my next blog post.

At the end of that audited painting class, we had a class critique. I only remember one comment from that critique. The instructor said that the darkness looked impenetrable. She thought it was just too dark and intense and no light could possibly cut through it. I smiled and said, "No, there is light. There, most definitely, is light!"

To be continued... My Testimony - Part Two

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Living Water" - An Invitation

"Living Water" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 2009

"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that says to you, Give Me to drink, you would have asked of Him, and He would have given you living water... whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst, but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."
- John 4:10, 14

And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne... and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald... And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices... And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal... and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. - excerpts from Revelation 4

I finished this painting in the summer of 2009. The inspiration for it came from "Revelation Song" - which I believe is one of the most powerful worship songs ever written. Every time I hear that song, my heart is stirred and I ache for Heaven. If you listen to the song, I believe you will see many of its elements in this painting, most of which are found in Revelation 4.

For me, this painting is a vision of Jesus, the King of Kings, standing in authority and extending His scepter to the viewer as a sign of favor (Esther 8:4). Jesus is clothed in white and draped with a red cloth that symbolizes the blood that He shed for us. The blood red cloth transforms into living water that spreads out before Him into a sea that drowns our sins. Since Jesus' seat in Heaven is at our Father's right hand, there is lightning on Jesus' left side to indicate the power that resides there. Notice that the scepter is extended from His left hand, where the power dwells. Jesus extends favor on behalf of our Father. Jesus' right hand is held out in an invitation toward the rainbow that is God's own symbol of covenant.

Today, from Heaven's throne room, Jesus extends favor and mercy and invites us to join Him in covenant. What is covenant? It is a bond between two people or groups of people that brings them together for mutual benefit. Where one is weak, the other is strong. When one falls, the other picks him up. It is our Father's desire to be in covenant with us. He is not angry with us. He is not trying to push us away. He invites and beckons us to draw close to Him. Why? Not so He can punish us or fix us and dress us up as some plaything; but because He loves us. He delights in our companionship. His greatest desire is to love us and be loved by us. He is wise beyond our comprehension and He wants to impart that wisdom to us, to help us, to comfort us, to guide us, to heal us. What do we possibly have to offer God in this covenant arrangement? Our love and our faith. He is not some dictator on a power trip, demanding "Obey me or else!" Far from it! He is good and He offers us mercy and grace. Like a loving parent with a child who has fallen down, God wants to lift us up and mend our hurts. All we have to do is cry out to Him.

Why Jesus? Some say that there are many ways to God. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and life. No one comes to the Father, but by me." (John 14:6) Why is that? Jesus is the only one who fulfilled God's plan of salvation, that is written in the Old Testament. He is the only one who fulfilled all the law and all the prophecies. Jesus is the only one who died and shed His blood to pay for our sins. Jesus is the only one that rose from the dead. No other man, prophet, or teacher has done all of those things. I know without a doubt that I can never be good enough to enter Heaven on my own merit. On my very best day, I still fail. I cannot possibly do enough good deeds. I cannot act good enough. I can't be good enough. That's OK. I don't have to be. Jesus has already paid the price for me. It's like not having enough money to get into see the movie, so someone buys a ticket for you. You have a choice - you can accept the ticket, go into the theater and enjoy the movie; or you can question the person's motives, turn up your nose against charity, or find some other reason to refuse. Whatever your reason for refusing, the outcome is the same. You miss out on the movie.

God does not choose some to go to Heaven and lock the others out. He invites all. It is His will and desire for all people to be with Him throughout eternity. But, He honors our free will enough to let us choose. We can choose Him or we can reject Him. It's up to us. You see, accepting Jesus and the sacrifice that He made for us is not choosing a religion... it is choosing a relationship with a loving Father who has been waiting and longing for you. If you've already made that choice, then please take a minute to tell your Father that you love Him and thank Jesus for His gift of a redeemed relationship. If you haven't made that choice yet, then reach out to Him. Ask God to help you understand. When you're ready to make the choice, it's very simple - just say the following prayer:

Father, I come to You now and receive Your love. I receive the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and I ask You to forgive my sins. I want to be in covenant with You. I want to have a relationship with You. I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I believe that I am forgiven and accepted into Your Kingdom. Please guide me, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

If you've said that prayer for the first time, then welcome to the Family!! Please leave me a comment and let me know. I will be praying for you.