Goodbye and Hello

So Long 48! You've been a challenging, often painful, yet amazing year!

• You began with breakfast in bed and ended with potato patties in the recliner. Pretty awesome.
• You were the year that I finally conquered the weeds in my big flower bed. Ha ha! I won!
• You were the year I expanded the rose garden (weeds, you don't stand a chance).
• You were the year that my oldest turned 21 and my youngest turned 17 - my sons becoming young men. Sigh.
• You were another year of my husbands love. You were the year that he told me, "I know what you are called to. I know the gift that God has placed in you. I know the strength that is in you." Wonderful!!
• You were the year that I stood against fear and traveled across the ocean for the first time. I spent two weeks wrapped in the peace, grace and protection of God in a greater measure than I have ever known. Amazing!
• You were the year that I said goodbye to one more tooth. Bummer.
• You were the year that I walked under the shadow of failure with my head held high regardless of the pain in my heart. You were also the year that I walked out from under that shadow and declared, "I am free." Joyous relief.
• You were the year that I realized depression has truly been defeated because I found out that if I do go to bed and pull the covers over my head, I can't stay there anymore. At last.
• You were the year of triumph over tax debt! Yes!
• You were the year of the new big screen television... in HD... with blu-ray... and surround sound.  It's like seeing all our favorite movies for the first time. Awesome!!
• You were the year Squirt the turtle died. Sad. Then all the fish died. But, that's what fish do. They die. So, we bought more fish. But, I still miss the turtle sometimes.
• You were the year we built the shed in the backyard. Building it was torture, but I'm so glad we did. :)
• You were the year I started making jewelry for myself, to enhance my beauty. Yes, you were the year I decided to accept that I am. Finally.
• You were the year that some dear ones moved to heaven. I look forward to a future with them. Tah-tah for now.
• You were the year that God blessed me with some treasures that I thought were lost. Thank you, Lord.
• You were the year of a million simple pleasures: My sons saying "thank you, that was good" for meals that I cooked. Rick's kisses and smiles. Watching the birds and squirrels at the feeders. Sitting and talking in the garden. My entourage (the dogs) following me down the hall. Kitties purring on my lap.

I'm sure there was much more to you 48, but it's time to move on now. So, farewell.

***

Hello 49! Welcome to my life! I am excited about you. Together, you and I will make the transition to my next decade. Let me tell you what you will be....

• You will be a year of a million simple pleasures. Some familiar. Some new.
• You will be the year that I have a deeper, closer relationship with God than ever before.
• You will be the year that I truly accept myself for the wonderful creation that I am.
• You will be the year that Rick and I celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
• You will be the year that Quinten turns 18. Both my sons grown into men.
• You will be the best year I've ever lived.

So, welcome 49! You come to me today, clean and fresh and full of possibilities! There are adventures ahead and I am ready to meet them. I am reminded of a recent dream... at my left hand was a rejection letter, which I crumpled and threw away. At my right hand was an endless field of lilies with tall stalks of buds just about to bloom. I walked along that field and stretched my hand across the buds, touching them lightly as I passed, knowing the beauty that was about to bloom. I embraced the joy of what is to come.

Celebration

On Friday I will turn 49 years old. I've decided to start the celebration today by celebrating me.

The Bible tells me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Through the genetics of my parents and all their predecessors, God designed a very unique and beautiful me. He also selected passions, gifts, characteristics and personality traits and placed them all within me. The wonderful me that He designed includes:

• A heart of compassion and mercy.
• An intense love for nature and all living creatures.
• Creativity and artistic gifts.
• A relentless imagination.
• A sense of humor and appreciation of laughter.
• An insatiable appetite to learn.
• A keen ability to retain vast amounts of information, useful and otherwise.
• A love of stories - reading them, watching them and telling them.
• A fierce love for family and friends.
• Spiritual gifts that demonstrate His love to others.
• Brown eyes, silver/brown hair, a crooked smile and a naturally voluptuous body that add up to beautiful. (Wow! That felt really good to write!)
• Most importantly of all, He gave me a relationship with Him.

For far to long, I have focused on my shortcomings, my mistakes, and what I am not. I have bought into the pervasive message of media, advertising, well-meaning critical people, and often the church saying that I am not good enough. No matter how hard I try, I am not meeting some goal, some ideal, some measure of success, some Biblical directive, or someone's opinion of who I should be and what I should be doing. Recently, I came to the horrifying realization that I have spent the greater part of my life trying to please people. So many major decisions in my life were made in an effort to please someone or gain someone's approval. This path has led to depression, anxiety, insecurity, and the constant feeling of failure. I have a new goal:

Follow the Lord and be pleasing to Him.

The first step in this goal is to humble myself to Him by letting Him show me who I am. I must strip off all the outside influences that dictate to me to be this or be that. A few weeks ago, I asked the Lord where I was in my spiritual walk with Him. I heard one word - "detox." He has opened my spiritual eyes and ears to all the toxic waste that has been piled upon me. One by one, these toxins are falling away. One of these toxins is self-hate. I could write an entire blog on this, but not today. Simply put, Christians are so often warned against being selfish and self-centered that we often take that to an extreme. I did. But, I have a new revelation now:

If God loves me, and I know that He does, then who I am to hold my judgment above His and not love myself.

I am talking about a healthy self-love that comes from seeing myself through God's eyes and celebrating the unique creation that I am. Submitting to God's vision of me provides me with a greater trust in Him and security within myself. God loves me and accepts me as I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am valuable to Him. I am worthy of His love.  Once these concepts are settled within me, then I am free from the bondage of trying to validate myself through others opinions. I am free from the insecurity of trying to be good enough. My opinion of myself is settled and no influence can change it. When changes in my life, thoughts, attitude, emotions, actions, habits or appearance need to be made, God will let me know. I will see myself in the mirror of His word and make the changes accordingly.

Jesus gave us two commandments that fulfill all the law and the prophets:
1. Love God with all your heart, soul and mind.
2. Love others as yourself.

If I don't love myself, then how can I love others? Loving myself as God loves me frees me up to love others as God loves them.

So, today I celebrate the me that God loves. I embrace His love for me with my whole heart!

Revolution

Revolution is defined as "a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving." The word itself literally means "a turning around."

A revolution is taking place in my life. I've felt it coming for quite some time. God has been preparing me for it. In fact, I believe it has been taking place for many years now. Building, growing - like a foundation being laid. But, what I have sensed lately is a true and lasting turning point. I know it won't happen in one momentous day. Instead, it is happening in increments. A milestone here, a revelation there.

One revelation took place just two months ago, on February 23rd. During a church service I responded to an altar call to let go of some baggage - anger, guilt, unworthiness, fear. While at the altar, the words "I am free" resounded in my spirit. I caught a glimpse of the true freedom that Jesus purchased for me with His sacrifice. I realized that it is more profound than I ever imagined. Since that night, God has been leading me peacefully and steadily along a path of freedom. Breaking off bondages one by one. Healing my shattered heart. Stillness has returned. That stillness where I know that He is God. That stillness where all is well with my soul.

About a month ago, I prayed with a heartfelt supplication, "Lord, please reinvent me." What I have been experiencing since that prayer is not so much a reinvention, but a realigning. God is realigning my perception. Instead of changing who I am, He is causing me to see who I already am through His eyes. I already am the person He created me to be. Maybe not to my fullest potential, but I'm already me. I am in the continual process of being conformed to the image of Christ. I am already the individual creation of a loving Father, a vessel formed with specific details that make me uniquely me. I was never intended to be a carbon copy of every other Christian. I am a part of the body of Christ, the part that God created me to be. He is teaching me to embrace and love His creation - me. As I conform more and more to Christ, I also become more me.

It's that wonderful paradox: He that finds his life shall lose it; and he that loses his life for My sake shall find it. ~ Matthew 10:39

The more I yield my will and my life to the Lord, the more I find my true self. By denying myself, I find myself in Him.

Tonight, I experienced a profound turning point. I had a revelation that set me free from a major bondage in my life. It was not the freedom I expected, but it was the truth that I have so desperately needed. I sat down and cried big, hot tears of relief. I'm not ready to share it yet, but I will.

Revolution has arrived! Praise God!!