Just Bein' a Bear...

"Surly Bear" - ink sketch

I woke up today feeling like Surly Bear. Tired, achy, and grumpy. As the day progressed, Snarly Bear even made a few appearances. I imagine this is what a bear feels like when her hibernation is interrupted. I know why I'm this way. I've been pushing too hard. I've been too busy for too long. I need to hibernate.

When I was a teenager, my uncle Jim nicknamed me "Bear," because I spent so much time in my bedroom. He said I was hibernating. In a way, I guess I was. I'd hibernate for awhile everyday after school. I needed that quiet time to unwind after eight hours of people, voices, noise, crowded hallways, concentration, learning, and praying that I didn't have to talk to anybody but my closest friends. I'm so thankful that Mom understood and allowed me that time as much as possible. Now, as an adult, it seems that there is always something needing to be done or someone needing my attention. I literally forget to hibernate. It's silly, I know. Like forgetting to eat, which I do far too often. It's a good thing that breathing is involuntary, or I'd get too busy for that.

Why is hibernation so necessary for me? Because I'm an introvert. I've known this since a very young age, yet back then the word introvert was synonymous with words like shy, withdrawn, and anti-social. It was thought that introverts just weren't comfortable around people. Made sense to me. I wasn't comfortable around people. I just never understood why. Today, there is a better understanding of introversion and extroversion. They both have to do with energy. Extroverts are energized by being around other people. Introverts, however, are drained by social situations. Instead, we draw energy from solitude. At least, that's the short, simplified explanation. There are lots of better explanations available, so I'll leave it at that. If you're hungry for more, I recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It helped me. A lot.

So, I've accepted that I'm a Bear, and as such I need to hibernate at times. If I don't, then I have to contend with Surly Bear, who's irritable and moody, or Snarly Bear, who snaps at the people she loves. There's also Edgy Bear, who's a pain because she can't be still and frets about every little thing. Those three bears are bad enough, but if not dealt with, they tend to transform into Dreary Bear that just sits like a lump and sees only bad things. Let's not even speak of the dreaded Raging Grizzly-Witchy Bear. It's always best to hibernate long before she gets loose.

Thankfully, in my home the phrase, "I need to introvert," is spoken and understood. I live with two more introverts and an extrovert with anti-social tendencies. We understand the need to hibernate. My challenge is that I allow other things to seem more important. I allow time to slip through my fingers in the name of busy. I am working to change that. Right now. This is hibernation. Even if it's only for a few hours or a few minutes. 

I believe that God intentionally created me to be an introvert. He knew who I would be and how I would need to be it. So, wisdom tells me to accept what I need and make room for it in my life. I need quiet time in which to unwind, think, create, pray, and simply BE. I need to absorb nature - feel the wind, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and warm in the sun. I need to get lost in a story, whether it's a book, a movie, or something I'm writing or daydreaming. I need to immerse myself in an art project and contemplate the mystical-magical interaction of light and color. I need to draw a line to see where it takes me. I need to get comfortable, take a deep breath, exhale, and truly relax. I need to have a deep heart-to-heart with my Father Creator, not just prayer-on-the-fly. I need to BE. And when I do such things, I get to be Cozy Bear, who is relaxed, content, and at peace. 

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Lord, thank you for making me who I am. Please teach me how to be the me You see.

Be Still and Know...

"Be still, and know that I am God!" ~ Psalm 46:10

I began an art journal in January of this year, and this was one of my first entries. I spent a good deal of time on it, both drawing it and researching for it. It began with just the scripture and the girl on the Rock. That was my original inspiration, and I sketched it out fairly quickly and inked it. Just a little drawing floating in the midst of the page. The more I meditated on that one scripture, the more I saw on that page. For me, scripture meditation usually includes looking up words to get deeper meaning. So I decided to include two definitions and some synonyms - you can see them in the waves.

• Stillness: a state of freedom from storm or disturbance; peace, tranquility, hush, calmness, rest, shh.
• Knowledge: awareness or familiarity gained by experience; realization, understanding, comprehension, wisdom, perceive, grasp, discern.

The drawing came together piece by piece. Part of Psalm 91 is written in the rain. The clouds are filled with scriptures of the Lord's victory. His names form the Rock on which I rest.

I was in the midst of some storms when I drew this. Two beloved family members were in the hospital. Outcomes were uncertain. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and in physical pain. The Lord used this drawing to hold me together and keep my focus on Him. Today, both family members are well. God knew. I didn't. So He had me write victory in the clouds and security in the rain, even when I couldn't see it around me. Isn't He wonderful?

Psalm 46:10 is one of my favorite scriptures. This is the message I receive from the Lord more than any other. So many times, when I pray for an answer or direction, I hear that still, small voice say, "be still, and know that I am God." He reminds me that He is in control and I'm not. My part is to be at peace and trust Him. Trusting Him gets easier all the time, as I gain experience with Him in my life. I see His goodness, His grace, and His love. It's comforting to trust someone that you know loves you absolutely and completely. No matter what. I still struggle with the peace part, but I'm learning. I still get depressed, overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated. I still have panic attacks. However, the wonderful difference is that these things don't move me the way they once did. It is such a victory for me to say that! I may forget at times, lift my head and consider the storm around me; but I don't move off the Rock! I remember His promises.

A church elder once commented that she was afraid I would lose ground if I stepped down from a leadership position in the church. At the time, I was frightened of that too. In fact, all the years I went to church regularly, I was afraid that if I ever stopped going, I would lose the spiritual ground I had gained. I've been out of church for a few years now and that fear is gone. I believe it's been a season just as important as the season I spent in church. I'll admit that I've lost some things. I've lost some Pharisee-like thinking and attitude. I've lost some legalistic, unlovely doctrines that are not supported by scripture, no matter how often they continue to be preached. Goodbye and good riddance. What I haven't lost is my faith, my love of God, my trust in Him. I haven't lost spiritual ground. How could I lose these things when I wholeheartedly believe that He, the Author and Finisher of my faith, keeps them for me, holding them tightly in the nail holes of His hands.

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Lord, thank you for teaching me to be still and know....