Why?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall you call upon me, and you shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And you shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13

It happens to us all at times. Our hopes and plans seem to fall apart. Disappointment crushes our dreams. Someone hurts us deeply. Or worse, we watch a loved one struggle and suffer. Someone dear to us becomes gravely ill and despite everyone’s prayers and faith, they decline. We feel helpless and unable to ease their pain. In each of these situations, we often find ourselves crying out to God, asking “Why?”

I believe it is part of human nature to question, to seek for the knowledge that is beyond our grasp. It was that very longing that the serpent manipulated to tempt Eve. And, like Eve, we get into trouble when we get the notion that we are entitled to answers. So many times, I have witnessed Christians question God. “Why didn’t that person receive a healing when we all prayed so fervently?” “Why did my loved one suffer and die?” “Why didn’t I get that job or promotion?” “Why is my child being rebellious?” “Why haven’t my prayers been answered yet?” And so many times I have seen people make up their own answers when God did not provide His. “Well, she must have sin in her life if she’s not healed.” “He must have died because he refused to forgive someone.”  “God must be mad at me.” “He must be punishing me for something.” And the most common of all, “That person just doesn’t have enough faith!” Personally, I have been guilty of all these questions and I have presumed to have all the answers.

However, the Lord, in His gracious love, continually corrects me.

A few years ago, my family took a vacation to the Gulf Coast. I loved to walk out as far as I could in the waves and simply drink in the experience of the sea. Shortly after that trip, I was having a “whiny why” spell and the Lord stopped me. He reminded me of my time at the beach and used that experience to teach me a very precious lesson. When I stood on the beach, looking out across the water, all I could see was the surface of the water. The waves continually flowed to the shore. There was so much movement, but all coming towards me. If I did not know anything about the sea or never set foot in the water, my knowledge would always be limited to what I saw with my eyes. When I walked way out into the water, though, I discovered an undercurrent that pulled the water back out to sea along the sandy bottom. Sometimes, I could feel seaweed or fish brush against my legs, but the water was not clear enough to see what was there. My knowledge of the sea was limited to my natural senses. I could speculate about what was going on beyond my senses, but I didn’t know the truth.

Every day, we live our lives like a person standing on the shore looking at a vast sea. We see the surface. But, God sees below the surface. This is why we are to walk by faith and not by sight. He sees into the hearts of us all. He knows the end from the beginning. He even sees beyond our life here on earth. Eternity is vast beyond our comprehension. Our lives here on earth are just a drop in the ocean. Our existence in these earthen vessels is unimaginably brief in the eyes of our Father. Suffering to us seems so profound, so vast and cruel and interminably long. In God’s eyes, it is but a flicker. Yet, He has such compassion for us! Still, I believe that He has a much different perspective on suffering than we do. How else could it please Him for Jesus to suffer for our sins so horribly. In the great span of eternity, Christ’s crucifixion was just for a brief instant. He endured because of the joy that was set before Him – the promise of eternity in His Father’s presence surrounded by all that would be redeemed by His sacrifice. His disciples did not understand this at the time of the crucifixion. They came to understand later, by the power of the Holy Spirit. In the meantime, I’m sure they were asking why.

As for myself, I am learning that I am not entitled to answers. My Heavenly Father is God. I am not. He does not answer to me, nor does He owe me any explanations. It annoys me greatly at times, but I’m learning to be content not knowing. God knows. I can let that be enough. There have been times that I have been terribly disappointed, hurt or frustrated that things did not go as I expected or wanted; only to hear the Lord whisper, "this is Me protecting you from something worse." Every time, circumstances have proven that I was better off not getting my way. I have endured some extremely painful trials, just to see God turn it all to my good. I am going through some now that I am absolutely puzzled by, but I trust God in the midst of them. I still get the “whiny whys”, yet I am learning to get up from them and say, “Lord, you are in control. I trust you.” I have come to know the character of God well enough to trust that His motives are pure and loving. His plans are always good. Yes, we do live in a fallen world where dark, evil things happen all around us every day. But, we can be comforted knowing that Jesus overcame the world.

I have some dear friends that are going through some trials right now. In my spirit, I hear their unspoken whys. Be comforted today in knowing that our Father is in control. As you stand watching the waves grow higher, know that He is working beneath the waves. He hears every prayer. He catches every tear. You may not understand, but know that He does. His ways are higher than our ways. His mercies are new every morning. His love envelopes you and all those dear to you. Know that an eternity is established ahead of us in which all suffering will cease. Have faith in our loving Father. Trust Him with all your heart and release your own understanding like releasing a balloon. Know that He is directing your path and the paths of your loved ones. Above all else, trust God.

Wonderful Father, I ask that You comfort hurting hearts today. Help my dear friends who are struggling through trials to trust Your divine wisdom. Help them to sense Your loving presence as You surround them with peace. May they be rooted and grounded in Your eternal love, knowing that your plans for them and their loved ones are good. Gift them with great faith, please Lord, so that they may always, in all circumstances, trust You. Amen.

The So-called “Great Failure”

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

(Romans 8:28)

Remembering my wonderful adventure in Germany has brought many happy memories in the past two weeks; but remembering the difficulty it took to get there has brought some painful memories, too. In my last post, I mentioned that I was hesitant about going on the trip because it would be a constant reminder of what I secretly called My Great Failure. Although, it is still a difficult period of my life to look back on, I have to acknowledge God’s greatness through the entire trial and how He has continually turned what I saw as failure into a great personal triumph.

In my former church, there was once a very wonderful time when all was well and I was learning, serving and growing. Sadly, I took on more than I should have and found myself overwhelmed. I went to my pastor, repented and took a load off of my plate. I kept the one service that I knew I had been called to do. Unfortunately, too much damage had already been done. My stress and anxiety level was way too high. Certain situations in the church were adding to it. Newcomers stepped into leadership positions and caused problems for myself and my family. Good relationships turned sour. Lots of things happened in a very short period of time that wounded me deeply. I tried to play the good Christian and endure it in silence, but I was suffering inside. I knew that I needed to step down from all service and allow the Lord time to heal me. I met with my pastor and tried to do just that, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it. Instead, I agreed to a take a break. A couple of months went by with no real progress. I felt guilty for not doing what God called me to do. Prematurely, I went back to my pastor and agreed to step back into position. It was a huge mistake.

Within a few days, something happened that deeply wounded a member of my family. I watched him go from a place of ambition and inspiration to absolute defeat. It broke my heart and infuriated me. I reacted by turning in a letter of resignation from service and essentially saying that my family was leaving the church. I knew that resigning was the right thing to do. I could not have served well under the circumstances. However, it was not time to leave the church. I knew it and my husband knew it. I was just so deeply hurt and angry that I could not imagine going back. The Lord’s correction came to me swiftly. I cried all day and night, knowing that I had willfully, knowingly disobeyed God. The next day, my husband and I met with church leaders to repent. It went from bad to worse. I walked into the meeting truly repentant, but already feeling like a worthless failure. For two hours, my husband and I were berated about how badly we had hurt one of the leaders, about every mistake we had ever made while in that church, about how immature we were and more. We were told our behavior was manipulative and demonic. I wept through it all, drinking it all in and believing every word, although I knew in my heart it was an overreaction. I was utterly humiliated. I had been absolutely scourged by people whom I had held in very high regard. By the end of the meeting our repentance was accepted and we were allowed to remain in the church. Some encouragement was spoken and hugs were given all around. But, I wanted to die. I cried for days. Thankfully, my husband and a few very wise women recognized my dilemma and fervently prayed for me. The worst passed and I was able to go on, even though I still believed that I had failed God and ruined my destiny.

My church life was never the same. I did not want to go anymore. Rick would quietly ask me what God wanted me to do. I would go to church for Him. Although Rick and I never told anyone what happened, it seemed that everyone knew. Many people treated me differently. Before, I was greeted with smiles and hugs, now I was avoided. Only a handful of people still hugged me and made me feel loved. Tears were common before and after church. But I continued and I endured. God’s grace sustained me. Rick and I were required to sit out for several months, then eased back into service. I was allowed back on the team that I had formerly led. It was bittersweet. It was so wonderful to be ministering again, yet there were constant tears. Worst of all was the damaged relationship between me and a woman that I had always held very dear. I prayed for the relationship to be restored, but it remained strained.

Much to my amazement, I was chosen for the Germany team. I had desired to be a part of this ministry since first joining the church, but after all that had happened, I doubted whether or not I should go. I was concerned about the strained relationship. I made an attempt at reconciliation, but still sensed distance. I beat myself up over throwing away a position that would have had a greater impact on the trip. I still saw myself as a failure. I had no hope of leading a team again, I was simply thankful to be a part. To my surprise, I was told that after the trip, I would be able to step back up as team leader.

During the trip, there were bittersweet moments when that failure plagued me. But, overall, the trip restored my confidence. I am so grateful that my pastor allowed me to attend, minister, and especially, to teach. God’s grace had upheld me throughout the past difficult year and during the trip, He propelled me forward. Hope and faith returned. Full restoration seemed possible. And I could see God’s hand in my attending the conference, not as a leader, but simply as a member. The pressures of details and organization were not mine, so I had the luxury of focusing on God’s presence and resting in Him. I was free to have the profound experience of peace that I had.

Inspired and excited when I came home, I looked forward to teaching again and leading a team. Sadly, though, it was not to be. Many changes took place. The promotion I was offered was postponed. Lines of communication broke down for reasons I still do not understand. I was disappointed and angry again. But the Lord is so gracious. While in prayer last February, He revealed my heart’s secrets to me. I wanted so much to be restored, to prove my worth and value, and to undo the great failure. Those motives came to overshadow my motive to serve Him simply out of love. I saw how the enemy had set a trap for me and I had fallen into bondage of trying to prove myself. I realized that as long as I was in that church, I would be bound to that failure and my need to overcome it. God, in His great mercy, released my family from the church.  It was difficult, but necessary. I will have no idol before Him, especially not a position. Rick had known, even before the Germany trip, that our time there was limited. I had refused to see it. 

God was not the author of this trial, but He certainly has  gotten a lot of mileage from it. Rick and I both have grown a great deal. We have grown closer to each other too. I know that my husband believes in me even when I can’t believe in myself. And I’m learning to believe in myself, not for who I am alone, but for who I am in Christ. I know that I can go beyond myself and my comfort zone because God is with me.  When left to my own devices, I will fall. But, God will lift me up and set me high. Most importantly, the Lord has revealed to my heart a needful ministry and some necessary changes coming in the body of Christ. I have much to say on that, but later, not now. The Lord has turned this difficult time to my good in so many ways, too many to mention here, but I must give Him glory for carrying me through it. I have come to see that the situation was not so much My Great Failure as it was the simple, everyday failures of several people (including myself) who were just doing what they thought were the right things. Life happens. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. We pick up and move forward.

The Lord has been after me for a while to write this, not to place blame, expose, or hurt anyone; but to finish the healing of my heart. Writing, for me, brings catharsis. It is my hope that others can read, relate and be comforted that they are not alone. We all fail, we all make mistakes. But, we must forgive others and ourselves if we are to grow. By writing and sharing this chapter of my life, I am laying it at the foot of the cross, casting it before the Lord and releasing it into His hands. All is well.

I want to share one final testimony to the goodness of God. Shortly after that unfortunate letter and subsequent meeting, the Lord did the most wonderful thing. He led someone to bless our family with brand new washer and dryer – the ones I had looked at and wanted for years – complete with pedestals and in my favorite color. There I was, feeling like a miserable failure that had disappointed God; but He gave me a precious gift! I cried as I hugged the gift givers and thanked them. To me, it was more than a washer and dryer – it was a sign of God’s love, mercy and forgiveness. To this day, whenever I do laundry I think of His great love for me. In the glorious light of His love, all failures become insignificant!

Remembering the Adventure

There remains therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labor therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. ~ Hebrews 4:9-11

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

This month marks the one year anniversary of my trip to Germany. I have thought of that trip quite often in the past two weeks. It was such a wonderful adventure with the Lord! I have so many fond memories of the people I met, the places I visited, the church services, the worship and especially the fellowship I had with the Lord during that time. 

Looking back, I realize just how difficult it was for me to make that journey. I don’t think anyone but God and my husband understood the emotional and psychological torture I had to overcome in order to get to the airport and board that plane. For months in advance of that trip, I prayed through the fourth watch almost every night. I shed tear after tear. I knew that the Lord wanted me to go, but I asked again and again, “Are you sure, Lord?” Of course He was sure, but I wasn’t. Through prayer, He convinced me. Through prayer, He strengthened me and quieted my fears. I had to know, beyond all doubt, that God would be with me on the trip. I knew myself all too well, and knew that I could not do it apart from Him. I knew my shyness, my fear of crowds and strangers, and my tendency to have panic attacks in unfamiliar situations. I knew how hard the separation would be on my family and me. I knew that the trip would be physically challenging. Also, I knew it would be a constant reminder of what I had secretly labeled My Great Failure – I was going on the trip as a team member, not the team leader. That particular wound was still very raw at the time and I cried great tears about it, right up to the day I left for the airport.

But, God….

Telling my family goodbye at that airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life! Yet, as soon as I passed security and set my mind on the trip ahead, a great peace began to cover me. The two flights were grueling, but through His grace, I endured. Once we arrived in Germany, I found myself adapting very easily. The next two weeks were absolutely miraculous!! I was still me, and I could still feel that fear and timidity on the inside; but Christ rose up in me in a way that I have never experienced. I was in the presence of God constantly. I was in fellowship with Him at all times, conversing with Him under my breath or in my thoughts. Prayer flowed from my lips continually when I was alone. A great peace settled upon me and remained throughout the trip. I never understood the phrase, “entering into His rest” until then. For those two weeks, I walked in a level of peace, rest and faith that I have never known before or since (although it has come close recently). 

The effects of God’s presence and grace were profound! I found myself talking to strangers and making friends quickly. I slept peacefully each night and awoke refreshed and ready to go. In fact, I was the only person on our team that slept so well. Quite a miracle for a woman who usually has insomnia! Not only did I awake refreshed, but I usually awoke just before my alarm sounded. Whenever I had the opportunity to catch a nap, I would pray and ask the Lord for 15 minutes, an hour, or whatever time was available. I would then set my alarm for that time. I always went right to sleep and woke up just before the alarm.  Physically, I handled the trip much better than I expected. Sure, the long walks and many stairs wore me out, but not too badly. I was amazed at my endurance! My back and knees held up very well. I had back pain only one night (and that was from the stress of dealing with a very difficult person); but as soon as I talked to Rick on Skype, he prayed and the pain left. 

Food was another miracle. Usually, I am a very picky eater. However, during the trip I ate whatever was offered me and loved it! It was amazing! Also, I am a very organized person that always wants to know where I am, where I am going, when I will go, and who is taking me.  I am always the navigator on every trip, constantly consulting maps. While in Germany, I never looked at a map. I could not tell you how to get from the host home to the church or back. I simply trusted others with the schedules and the details. That was a first for me. And in the midst of it all, I had a great, abiding peace. The Lord was as close as my own breath. 

 

God’s great favor was with me throughout the journey. My roommate and I agreed that we had the best accommodations in both cities. We were blessed with extra sightseeing trips in Berlin, courtesy of our wonderful hosts. In Hamburg, we were blessed with an internet connection courtesy of our generous upstairs neighbor. We were well-fed, well-cared for, and well-loved in both cities. She and I got along beautifully and so enjoyed each other’s company.  

Teaching and ministering came very easily. I had been very concerned about working with a translator, but it was not a problem at all. In fact, it felt perfectly natural as I fell into the rhythm of speaking and pausing for the translator.

Ministering in Germany was an amazing adventure. I will be forever grateful to God and to my former pastor for including me in the experience. I loved the people, the churches and the cities of Berlin and Hamburg. I was awed to see the power and love of God poured out on His people. On a personal level, the growth that I experienced in my relationship with God was priceless. I have tasted of the great peace, grace and favor of God and I long for more. My goal is to live daily in that level of faith, experiencing those great treasures that His love provides.