Goodbye and Hello

So Long 48! You've been a challenging, often painful, yet amazing year!

• You began with breakfast in bed and ended with potato patties in the recliner. Pretty awesome.
• You were the year that I finally conquered the weeds in my big flower bed. Ha ha! I won!
• You were the year I expanded the rose garden (weeds, you don't stand a chance).
• You were the year that my oldest turned 21 and my youngest turned 17 - my sons becoming young men. Sigh.
• You were another year of my husbands love. You were the year that he told me, "I know what you are called to. I know the gift that God has placed in you. I know the strength that is in you." Wonderful!!
• You were the year that I stood against fear and traveled across the ocean for the first time. I spent two weeks wrapped in the peace, grace and protection of God in a greater measure than I have ever known. Amazing!
• You were the year that I said goodbye to one more tooth. Bummer.
• You were the year that I walked under the shadow of failure with my head held high regardless of the pain in my heart. You were also the year that I walked out from under that shadow and declared, "I am free." Joyous relief.
• You were the year that I realized depression has truly been defeated because I found out that if I do go to bed and pull the covers over my head, I can't stay there anymore. At last.
• You were the year of triumph over tax debt! Yes!
• You were the year of the new big screen television... in HD... with blu-ray... and surround sound.  It's like seeing all our favorite movies for the first time. Awesome!!
• You were the year Squirt the turtle died. Sad. Then all the fish died. But, that's what fish do. They die. So, we bought more fish. But, I still miss the turtle sometimes.
• You were the year we built the shed in the backyard. Building it was torture, but I'm so glad we did. :)
• You were the year I started making jewelry for myself, to enhance my beauty. Yes, you were the year I decided to accept that I am. Finally.
• You were the year that some dear ones moved to heaven. I look forward to a future with them. Tah-tah for now.
• You were the year that God blessed me with some treasures that I thought were lost. Thank you, Lord.
• You were the year of a million simple pleasures: My sons saying "thank you, that was good" for meals that I cooked. Rick's kisses and smiles. Watching the birds and squirrels at the feeders. Sitting and talking in the garden. My entourage (the dogs) following me down the hall. Kitties purring on my lap.

I'm sure there was much more to you 48, but it's time to move on now. So, farewell.

***

Hello 49! Welcome to my life! I am excited about you. Together, you and I will make the transition to my next decade. Let me tell you what you will be....

• You will be a year of a million simple pleasures. Some familiar. Some new.
• You will be the year that I have a deeper, closer relationship with God than ever before.
• You will be the year that I truly accept myself for the wonderful creation that I am.
• You will be the year that Rick and I celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
• You will be the year that Quinten turns 18. Both my sons grown into men.
• You will be the best year I've ever lived.

So, welcome 49! You come to me today, clean and fresh and full of possibilities! There are adventures ahead and I am ready to meet them. I am reminded of a recent dream... at my left hand was a rejection letter, which I crumpled and threw away. At my right hand was an endless field of lilies with tall stalks of buds just about to bloom. I walked along that field and stretched my hand across the buds, touching them lightly as I passed, knowing the beauty that was about to bloom. I embraced the joy of what is to come.

Celebration

On Friday I will turn 49 years old. I've decided to start the celebration today by celebrating me.

The Bible tells me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Through the genetics of my parents and all their predecessors, God designed a very unique and beautiful me. He also selected passions, gifts, characteristics and personality traits and placed them all within me. The wonderful me that He designed includes:

• A heart of compassion and mercy.
• An intense love for nature and all living creatures.
• Creativity and artistic gifts.
• A relentless imagination.
• A sense of humor and appreciation of laughter.
• An insatiable appetite to learn.
• A keen ability to retain vast amounts of information, useful and otherwise.
• A love of stories - reading them, watching them and telling them.
• A fierce love for family and friends.
• Spiritual gifts that demonstrate His love to others.
• Brown eyes, silver/brown hair, a crooked smile and a naturally voluptuous body that add up to beautiful. (Wow! That felt really good to write!)
• Most importantly of all, He gave me a relationship with Him.

For far to long, I have focused on my shortcomings, my mistakes, and what I am not. I have bought into the pervasive message of media, advertising, well-meaning critical people, and often the church saying that I am not good enough. No matter how hard I try, I am not meeting some goal, some ideal, some measure of success, some Biblical directive, or someone's opinion of who I should be and what I should be doing. Recently, I came to the horrifying realization that I have spent the greater part of my life trying to please people. So many major decisions in my life were made in an effort to please someone or gain someone's approval. This path has led to depression, anxiety, insecurity, and the constant feeling of failure. I have a new goal:

Follow the Lord and be pleasing to Him.

The first step in this goal is to humble myself to Him by letting Him show me who I am. I must strip off all the outside influences that dictate to me to be this or be that. A few weeks ago, I asked the Lord where I was in my spiritual walk with Him. I heard one word - "detox." He has opened my spiritual eyes and ears to all the toxic waste that has been piled upon me. One by one, these toxins are falling away. One of these toxins is self-hate. I could write an entire blog on this, but not today. Simply put, Christians are so often warned against being selfish and self-centered that we often take that to an extreme. I did. But, I have a new revelation now:

If God loves me, and I know that He does, then who I am to hold my judgment above His and not love myself.

I am talking about a healthy self-love that comes from seeing myself through God's eyes and celebrating the unique creation that I am. Submitting to God's vision of me provides me with a greater trust in Him and security within myself. God loves me and accepts me as I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am valuable to Him. I am worthy of His love.  Once these concepts are settled within me, then I am free from the bondage of trying to validate myself through others opinions. I am free from the insecurity of trying to be good enough. My opinion of myself is settled and no influence can change it. When changes in my life, thoughts, attitude, emotions, actions, habits or appearance need to be made, God will let me know. I will see myself in the mirror of His word and make the changes accordingly.

Jesus gave us two commandments that fulfill all the law and the prophets:
1. Love God with all your heart, soul and mind.
2. Love others as yourself.

If I don't love myself, then how can I love others? Loving myself as God loves me frees me up to love others as God loves them.

So, today I celebrate the me that God loves. I embrace His love for me with my whole heart!

Revolution

Revolution is defined as "a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving." The word itself literally means "a turning around."

A revolution is taking place in my life. I've felt it coming for quite some time. God has been preparing me for it. In fact, I believe it has been taking place for many years now. Building, growing - like a foundation being laid. But, what I have sensed lately is a true and lasting turning point. I know it won't happen in one momentous day. Instead, it is happening in increments. A milestone here, a revelation there.

One revelation took place just two months ago, on February 23rd. During a church service I responded to an altar call to let go of some baggage - anger, guilt, unworthiness, fear. While at the altar, the words "I am free" resounded in my spirit. I caught a glimpse of the true freedom that Jesus purchased for me with His sacrifice. I realized that it is more profound than I ever imagined. Since that night, God has been leading me peacefully and steadily along a path of freedom. Breaking off bondages one by one. Healing my shattered heart. Stillness has returned. That stillness where I know that He is God. That stillness where all is well with my soul.

About a month ago, I prayed with a heartfelt supplication, "Lord, please reinvent me." What I have been experiencing since that prayer is not so much a reinvention, but a realigning. God is realigning my perception. Instead of changing who I am, He is causing me to see who I already am through His eyes. I already am the person He created me to be. Maybe not to my fullest potential, but I'm already me. I am in the continual process of being conformed to the image of Christ. I am already the individual creation of a loving Father, a vessel formed with specific details that make me uniquely me. I was never intended to be a carbon copy of every other Christian. I am a part of the body of Christ, the part that God created me to be. He is teaching me to embrace and love His creation - me. As I conform more and more to Christ, I also become more me.

It's that wonderful paradox: He that finds his life shall lose it; and he that loses his life for My sake shall find it. ~ Matthew 10:39

The more I yield my will and my life to the Lord, the more I find my true self. By denying myself, I find myself in Him.

Tonight, I experienced a profound turning point. I had a revelation that set me free from a major bondage in my life. It was not the freedom I expected, but it was the truth that I have so desperately needed. I sat down and cried big, hot tears of relief. I'm not ready to share it yet, but I will.

Revolution has arrived! Praise God!!

Downcast / Uplifted

Sleeplessness at 3 a.m. / Resting in Him
Nagging physical pain / The promise of healing
Swirling vortex of  hopeless emotions / The anchor that is Jesus
Realizing that people would rather talk about me than to me / Talking to my Heavenly Father
Feeling rejected and abandoned / My husband's hand taking mine
Dark, heavy thoughts / Sitting in the sunshine of the garden
Waiting so very long for a restoration that doesn't come / My King's scepter held out to me
Absolute, irrational panic / Being led beside still waters
Thinking I could be dead and not missed / Knowing I would be immediately welcomed Home
Being desperately Homesick / Deciding to stay and walk it out
The lie of hopelessness / The truth of the hope in glory
Inner emptiness / The first bloom of spring
Bone-deep weariness / Christ's yoke
Loneliness / The dog that insists on being petted
Sadness / My sons' contagious laughter
Feeling useless / Creating something from nothing
Losing my way / A poem in my dreams -  
                          Stay in faith
                          Hold down the fort
                          Expect to hear a good report
Raging, roaring lions / The blood of Christ to hold them at bay
Feeling like an utter failure / Talking to my sons and knowing they are becoming fine men
Insecurity / Watching sparrows eating at the feeders and being reminded that my Lord cares
Emotional pain and bondage / Gratitude that I have never known desperate hardship
Missing loved ones who have passed on / Looking forward to eternity in their company
Anxiety / The calm purr of a cat on my lap
Ostracized / An unconditional embrace
The pressure of situations closing in around me / A deep breath
Being disregarded by people who once called me valuable / Being accepted in the Beloved
Overwhelming chaos in my thoughts / God's still voice
Captivity / The wind in my face
Fear / Unconditional, eternal love
Mountains of doubt / A seed of faith
Embarrassment and shame / The sea of forgetfulness
The dark night of the soul / The joy that comes in the morning
The possibility that no one will ever read this / Writing it anyway

Wolf Tales

I’ve always been fascinated with wolves. Today, my sons and I went to see the movie The Grey and I remembered why those elusive beasts have intrigued me so. It was a very visceral movie with beautiful scenery, nerve-wracking suspense and a strong lead performance. I didn’t care for some of the fatalistic views on faith and I felt downright cheated at one point in the film. But, do you know what I loved most about the film? The wolves. Yes, they were killing people. Yes, they were vicious. Hey, they are wolves. This is what wolves do in the wild. They hunt and they defend their territory. All that aside, I loved the mystery and the chill that the film evoked about the wolves. You did not see them much, but you heard them… and you felt them. You knew they were there even when they weren’t. The movie brought back such memories….

I grew up in a family of hunters. I have always had a very deep love and respect for animals. But, I’ve never been squeamish about hunting for food or survival. I can skin a rattlesnake without batting an eye. As a kid, I heard many tales (and tall tales) about hunting. My favorites were the wolf stories. My cousin Lonnie would tell me about wolf hunts that he had heard in the woods near his home. He would lay in bed listening to the wolves calling to the pack and the hounds baying on their trail.

My favorite story was told to me by Mom’s brothers, my uncles Junior and Jim. I heard the story from both of them at different times. I remembered that story today and I decided I needed to write it down. I hope that I remember it well enough. I know that both times I heard it, we were sitting in the woods at night by the campfire… cold to our backs and warmth on our faces.  As the story goes, Junior and Jim were staying with their Aunt Mable and Uncle Pete near Paris, Texas. They were young men and there were still wolves in that area back then. Late one night, the two men heard the wolves howling in the nearby woods. Hungry for adventure, they grabbed their guns and a light and headed out into the dark. They followed the howls, hoping to sneak up on one of the brutes and get a shot. The howls got more intense with pack members calling to each other. The sounds got louder and the men knew they were getting closer. As they drew near, there were snarls and growls and then silence. Junior and Jim moved ahead slowly, watching and listening. Their light fell on a strange heap and they moved toward it to see what it was. Suddenly, they realized it was a fresh kill. The ground around it was covered in blood and wolf tracks. Then they heard the wolves all around them, moving in the trees just beyond their light. My uncles knew they were in a bad place and they began to back out the way they came. They had each other’s backs with their guns up and ready to fire, but the wolves let them pass. They went back to the house without a trophy that night, but felt fortunate just the same.

Both times I heard this story, I could sense the awe and fear in my uncles’ voices. Both times it gave me chills. I would ask them about it again and again over the years. Junior’s eyes would get wide and he’d tell me how he had nightmares of wolves after that. He told me about one dream where he was in his truck and the wolves were eating their way through the floorboard to get at him. I didn’t ask Junior much about it after that. Jim would talk about it whenever I asked, though. He’d admit how scared he was, but excited too. Jim loved adventures! 

Just last week, I came across the old Clint Walker movie, The Night of the Grizzly. I love that movie. As I watched it last week, I remembered watching it with Uncle Jim back in the ‘70’s when he lived with my family. I had seen the movie before, but he hadn’t. I told him he had to see it. He enjoyed that movie so much! After seeing it, he was determined to go bear hunting! That’s all he talked about. He read magazines about bear hunts. He and I talked about bear hunts. Jim finally got to go black bear hunting in Colorado in about ’79 or ’80 (I think). He was so excited! When he got back, he told about the one time during the hunt that he actually came upon fresh bear tracks and could hear the animal in the woods; but he never got a shot. He said it was a scary feeling and he was shaking all over. I asked if it was like the night with the wolves. Jim looked at me with big eyes and quickly shook his head no! 

I have my own wolf story. Jim’s in it, too. I’m afraid it doesn’t hold a candle to the story of him and Junior, but it was enough to haunt me for a lifetime. 

When I was young, we spent most weekends at my dad’s ranch near Jacksboro. Lots of family would come to the place on the weekends to help my dad with the work, or to hunt, or to ride motorcycles. There were still some wolves around back then, before they all got hunted out. My brother, uncles and cousins would talk about hearing the wolves howling in the woods at night. A time or two, I actually heard them myself, way off in the distance. I loved the sound. I could never get enough of it. It was easy to enjoy it when I was standing at the house listening to the wolves run the river bottoms way down below. It was safe. There was one late night, when I was thirteen or so, that I offered to help Jim run his trotlines in the river. We drove Dad’s pickup down into the woods and parked it. Jim and I climbed over the barbed wire fence and walked about fifty feet to the river bank. I held the flashlight as he checked his trotlines and found them empty. The woods were dark and quiet. It always thrilled me to be in the woods at night. It was so mysterious and captivating. Jim and I returned to the fence and had just crossed over it when we heard a low, moaning noise. It was the eeriest sound I had ever heard. We both froze. “Is that an owl?” I whispered. Just then another voice joined in, closer than the first. It was a classic howl, round and deep, rising up through the night. I recognized it just as Jim exclaimed, “wolves!” More voices cut into the night filling it with an otherworldly harmony that chilled me with a primal fear. The truck was only a few feet away, but I think I cleared the distance in one leap. I managed to climb inside quickly, but quietly. The window was down, and I whispered to Jim to get in the truck. He walked up next to me and simply said, “Listen.” I can still see him standing in the dim moonlight, smiling. I listened. The wolves were across the river from us. Their voices had been scattered at first, but were gathering now and moving closer. The woods resounded with their howls and calls. It was amazing! I was absolutely exhilarated! They sounded so close that I expected to see them at any second. When I shared that thought with Jim, he told me that he hadn’t heard them cross the river. He said they were probably at the spot where we had just checked the trotline. “They can smell us,” he said as he grinned. “Get in the truck!” I responded. Finally, he did. We sat in the truck, listened and waited for them to appear out of the darkness. Apparently, we were not interesting enough to investigate. The wolves quieted a bit and headed further up river. We waited until we could not hear them any longer; then we began to laugh, quietly and nervously at first, then loudly and full of excitement. We talked about every detail, how we felt, what we thought, and what it sounded like. Jim and I finally gave up and drove back to the house. We talked about that night for years afterward.

Jim and I became very good friends over the years. He taught me a lot about hunting. He called me Bear because I hibernated in my room too much and I called him Skunk because he was a stinker. Jim died of lung cancer in 1982. He was in his thirties. I wrote a short story for him after his passing. Maybe someday I’ll find it in a box somewhere and post it here. I’ve missed him this week. Movies of bears and wolves have reminded me so much of him. Jim would have loved The Grey!

I sat in the theater today, gazed into dark woods once again and heard the voices from my youth. Wolves singing through the night. It gave me chills. It exhilarated me. They still fascinate me as much as ever. They are beautiful beasts. They can be savage, yet tender to their young and devoted to their pack. I looked at our dogs today and was amazed at how closely they resemble their cousins. They have teeth that could rip me apart, but they remain loving and faithful. I have no doubt that our dogs would defend a member of our family with their lives. I am honored that I am part of their pack. 

Is there a moon out tonight? I think I need to go howl a bit….

Jimmy Ray Clark, "Uncle Jim"

Notes of the Painting: "Night Visitors" by Carol Rasor Welch, oil on canvas, 24"x36", Copyright 1991

 

The Kingdom of God is Within You

And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God comes not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you. ~ Luke 17:20-21

The kingdom of God is within us. Jesus said so. For too long we have been seeking that kingdom as if it were outside of us. As if we could find it in the world. For years, I’ve been taught that the kingdom of God is God’s way of doing things. That’s part of it. But it is so much greater... so much deeper. In Mark 4, Jesus explained the parable of the sower by saying that the sower sowed the Word into the soil of our hearts. That seed of the Word of God – the Word of Love – plants the kingdom of God with us. We water that seed with the living water that is the Holy Spirit. We nurture it with the light of truth found in the Word of God. And it grows. The kingdom of God grows within us. It changes us, conforms us to the image of Christ. It matures and bears fruit – love, joy, peace, faith, goodness, patience, self-control - the fruit of the Holy Spirit. It produces, in us, God’s way of doing things. We act in love, we give, we edify, exhort and comfort those around us. It comes from within our own heart. It grows from the inside out. The kingdom of God is within us.

For too long, the body of Christ has been looking for the kingdom as some outside principles that we had to lay hold of and bring to pass. We had to declare the kingdom into existence around us by our faith and our will. We’ve looked for it to manifest on the outside. We’ve thought that our great works, programs, plans, sacrifices, giving, denial of self and all our other busyness (business) would get us into the kingdom. It’s been within us all along, ever since we were born again. We have pursued the kingdom like that carrot at the end of a stick that is bound to a donkey to keep it moving forward, oblivious to everything around it except that carrot. That poor, deceived donkey will walk past lush green fields in pursuit of that carrot. But no matter how hard it tries, how fast it goes, or how bad it wants it, the donkey can never reach the carrot.

God is saying to His church: “Break the stick and eat the carrot. My kingdom is within you.”

The traditions of man have created the stick and put the carrot on the end of it. Empty religious observances, rules, legalism, hypocrisy, hierarchies, autocracy within the church – all of these things have bound us to the stick and kept the kingdom out of our reach. The stick is a lie… created by the father of lies to keep us chasing after something that already belongs to us. Break the stick. Break off the lie. Eat the carrot and receive the revelation that the kingdom of God is within you.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness…. Where does righteousness exist? In our heart, our spirit, that is made right with God by the blood of His son Jesus Christ. The kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. Meat and drink are fleshly matters, but righteousness, peace and joy reside in our spirit, our heart. Those things are within us. Jesus said over and over that it was extremely difficult for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God. That’s because a rich man’s heart is filled with love of money. The Kingdom of God cannot abide there in that root of evil. The kingdom seed would be choked out by it like the weeds in Mark 4.

What will happen when the church truly receives the revelation that the kingdom of God is within us? We will look to our own hearts and allow God to till that soil. We will nurture the seeds planted within us. We will allow the seeds to mature and grow. The kingdom will grow from within us and be manifested in our words, our countenance and our deeds. Through the eyes of our own kingdom hearts, we will recognize the kingdom within the hearts of our brothers and sisters in Christ and will nurture that heart with love and joy. We will recognize the absence of the kingdom in those who are unsaved. They will be drawn to us by the kingdom light that emanates from our heart and shines through our faces. We will plant the seeds of the kingdom within their hearts by speaking the Word of God to them in love. We will nurture those seeds with encouragement, comfort and joy. The seeds we plant will be nurtured to maturity in an environment of love and peace. Seeds will grow into fruit and fruit will produce more seeds to be planted in more hearts. This is the kingdom of God - love, joy, peace and righteousness in our hearts and towards one another.

Jesus said the first and greatest commandment was to love the Lord our God with all our heart, our soul, our mind and our strength. The second was to love our neighbor as ourselves. On these two, hang all the law and the prophets. On these two, hang the kingdom of God. These two commandments work within us. We love from within and allow it to manifest outwardly. Not a feeling, but a decision. We choose, within our hearts, the residence of the kingdom, to love and then we act upon that decision.  For too long, we’ve tried to put the cart before the horse – to act out love before the kingdom is fully established within us. We end up manufacturing something that is not really love. It is control and manipulation that wears a fake mask of love. We’ve been like the Pharisees, saying do this and do that. Act like me, dress like me, pray like me, walk like me, live like me. Yet our hearts have been filled with pride and judgment rather than the kingdom. We’ve beat one another over the head with the Word. We’ve used it as a corrective rod to beat others into submission. We’ve used it to beat ourselves up. That’s not the kingdom. No more, church! We must repent of spreading this poisonous concoction and seek the kingdom in earnest. Not the kingdom that we want, that we think is right, that we are comfortable with; but the true kingdom of God - love, joy, peace and righteousness, flowing from our hearts into the hearts of others. Cast off the outward trappings of a man-made religion! Cast off your graveclothes! Be vulnerable before God and allow Him to restore the kingdom in your heart. Allow that kingdom to radiate from the inside out and clothe you in the glory of God.

The Lord is speaking to His church:

“You can do it your way if you want to. I have given you free will. There is a way that seems right to you. Others have done it this way. But I say to you that that way leads to destruction. So many churches think that I have blessed them because of the works, programs, order and government. But I tell you that I have blessed them in spite of these things. My grace and mercy provide for my children even through their stubbornness and pride. You have rejoiced in a trickle and called yourself great. But I am calling you to a higher way. I am calling you to turn and repent from the way that you thought was right. I am calling you to see the truth. When you cultivate my kingdom in your hearts as I truly intended, when you nurture one another’s hearts in pure unselfish love, I will be manifested among you. My glory will shine forth in you like the sun. You have been standing on the shore fishing for souls with fake, shiny lures. Sure you’ve caught a few fish that way. It seems right to you. But when you follow me out into the deep in your own hearts and my glory shines forth from within you and you are truly known for your love for one another, then the fish will be drawn to you as they were drawn to Peter’s boat. You will work as a team, not because of the rules, structure and order you created out of your own minds and by your own works, but because your hearts have been knitted together in my kingdom, by my love, by your love for me and for one another. As a team, you will cast out your nets and gather in a harvest greater than your boat can handle. Then other boats, other churches, will join in. Your hearts will be knitted with them in love as well. My church will be unified by my kingdom, the kingdom of love, that I have placed within your hearts. Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness. Seek it within, not without. I will add the fish when you are ready.”

Casting Off the Straight Jacket

David

Saul gave his own armor to David for him to wear: a bronze helmet, which he put on David's head, and a coat of armor. David strapped Saul's sword over the armor and tried to walk, but he couldn't, because he wasn't used to wearing them. "I can't fight with all this," he said to Saul. "I'm not used to it." So he took it all off. ~ 1 Samuel 17:38-39

Yesterday, I got this very clear vision of myself struggling out of a constricting jacket and working very hard to cast it off. "That's odd," I thought. I sat back to wonder why I would see such a thing, only to realize that it was exactly how I felt.

As I chased the vision, I was immersed in the feeling of trying to take off a jacket that is too tight and it is simply not cooperating. I'm sure everyone has experienced it. You're cramped in the car, it's gotten too warm and you must rid yourself of that garment before the light turns green. You try to slip out of the sleeves, but they won't quite let go. So, you fling your arms. You pull. You wiggle. You strain. You become increasingly frustrated. You even begin to get a bit claustrophobic. But, you're determined! Finally, with one herculean effort, you emerge from the binding annoyance and fling it away into the back seat. Good riddance!!

I believe this vision was a signal to me that I am finally shedding the spiritual straight-jacket that I have been wearing for far too long. Sure, the vision brought associations of a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon as a beautiful butterfly flitting off to blissful freedom; but, I'm telling you, this felt like escaping from the bondage of a straight-jacket. And it felt like I had to dislocate parts of myself to do it - the same way that Houdini had to dislocate his shoulders to make his famous escapes.

I say a spiritual straight-jacket, because it has been a spiritual bondage. For a long time now, I have been gaining new revelation of the word of God. I am seeing things in a new light. These revelations have challenged what I have been taught in many key areas. They are not radical changes in doctrine, but rather a fine-tuning. Please understand that I don't think anyone has put me in bondage. I put myself there. I've tried to please people, to conform to the expectations of others, to understand and abide in biblical concepts in ways that make no sense to me. I've tried to wear other people's ideas, methods, expectations, and convictions even though they just don't fit me! I am reminded of David as he prepared to go out against Goliath. At Saul's insistence, David put on the king's heavy armor. Thankfully, the young man had enough sense to cast it off and point out that it didn't work for him! He wasn't afraid of what the king would say or if he would be angry. He didn't second guess himself and think, "oh, the king must be right, because he is after all the king, so I should just do what he says." No. David's confidence was in God. He obeyed the call of God down to the smallest detail, in spite of those around him who by their authority should "know best".

God knows each of us individually and intimately. He knows my thoughts, my strengths, my weaknesses, my struggles, my personality. He knows how I can be most effective for His kingdom. Yes, we are all called to serve and are all called to obey His word. But, the detailed methods for walking that out on a daily basis are unique to each one of us. The same sermon that fires up one person and inspires him to seek God may cause another person to be buried in condemnation and run from God. We are all different. God created us that way.

A few years ago, I read an article about the difficulties that introverts tend to have in churches. By nature of their personalities, church leaders tend to be extroverts and often expect everyone around them to be the same. That article really spoke to some of the trials that I was experiencing at the time. Too many times I've tried to fit my round self into a square hole, because I was raised to do what I was told, when I was told, the way I was told, without question. I believe this is much of what I'm shaking off.

Could it be that I am finally taking my personal walk with God and truly making it my own? I hope so.

Father, as I move forward into this new year, please grant me the courage and boldness of David to do your will, your way - even if it means that I have to risk rejection by telling someone that their way doesn't work for me. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the wisdom to divide your word rightly, so that it always brings light into my life. Thank you for the strength to step out into new revelation and shake off traditional interpretations of your word in favor of new wine and fresh manna.