And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
(Romans
8:28)
Remembering
my wonderful adventure in Germany has brought many happy memories in the past
two weeks; but remembering the difficulty it took to get there has brought some
painful memories, too. In my last post, I mentioned that I was hesitant about
going on the trip because it would be a constant reminder of what I secretly
called My Great Failure. Although, it is still a difficult period of my life to
look back on, I have to acknowledge God’s greatness through the entire trial
and how He has continually turned what I saw as failure into a great personal
triumph.
In my former
church, there was once a very wonderful time when all was well and I was
learning, serving and growing. Sadly, I took on more than I should have and
found myself overwhelmed. I went to my pastor, repented and took a load off of
my plate. I kept the one service that I knew I had been called to do. Unfortunately,
too much damage had already been done. My stress and anxiety level was way too
high. Certain situations in the church were adding to it. Newcomers stepped
into leadership positions and caused problems for myself and my family. Good
relationships turned sour. Lots of things happened in a very short period of
time that wounded me deeply. I tried to play the good Christian and endure it
in silence, but I was suffering inside. I knew that I needed to step down from all
service and allow the Lord time to heal me. I met with my pastor and tried to
do just that, but I allowed myself to be talked out of it. Instead, I agreed to
a take a break. A couple of months went by with no real progress. I felt guilty
for not doing what God called me to do. Prematurely, I went back to my pastor
and agreed to step back into position. It was a huge mistake.
Within a few
days, something happened that deeply wounded a member of my family. I watched
him go from a place of ambition and inspiration to absolute defeat. It broke my
heart and infuriated me. I reacted by turning in a letter of resignation from
service and essentially saying that my family was leaving the church. I knew
that resigning was the right thing to do. I could not have served well under
the circumstances. However, it was not time to leave the church. I knew it and
my husband knew it. I was just so deeply hurt and angry that I could not
imagine going back. The Lord’s correction came to me swiftly. I cried all day
and night, knowing that I had willfully, knowingly disobeyed God. The next day,
my husband and I met with church leaders to repent. It went from bad to worse.
I walked into the meeting truly repentant, but already feeling like a worthless
failure. For two hours, my husband and I were berated about how badly we had
hurt one of the leaders, about every mistake we had ever made while in that
church, about how immature we were and more. We were told our behavior was
manipulative and demonic. I wept through it all, drinking it all in and
believing every word, although I knew in my heart it was an overreaction. I was
utterly humiliated. I had been absolutely scourged by people whom I had held in
very high regard. By the end of the meeting our repentance was accepted and we
were allowed to remain in the church. Some encouragement was spoken and hugs
were given all around. But, I wanted to die. I cried for days. Thankfully, my
husband and a few very wise women recognized my dilemma and fervently prayed
for me. The worst passed and I was able to go on, even though I still believed
that I had failed God and ruined my destiny.
My church
life was never the same. I did not want to go anymore. Rick would quietly ask
me what God wanted me to do. I would go to church for Him. Although Rick and I
never told anyone what happened, it seemed that everyone knew. Many people
treated me differently. Before, I was greeted with smiles and hugs, now I was
avoided. Only a handful of people still hugged me and made me feel loved. Tears
were common before and after church. But I continued and I endured. God’s grace
sustained me. Rick and I were required to sit out for several months, then
eased back into service. I was allowed back on the team that I had formerly
led. It was bittersweet. It was so wonderful to be ministering again, yet there
were constant tears. Worst of all was the damaged relationship between me and a
woman that I had always held very dear. I prayed for the relationship to be
restored, but it remained strained.
Much to my
amazement, I was chosen for the Germany team. I had desired to be a part of
this ministry since first joining the church, but after all that had happened,
I doubted whether or not I should go. I was concerned about the strained
relationship. I made an attempt at reconciliation, but still sensed distance. I
beat myself up over throwing away a position that would have had a greater
impact on the trip. I still saw myself as a failure. I had no hope of leading a
team again, I was simply thankful to be a part. To my surprise, I was told that
after the trip, I would be able to step back up as team leader.
During the
trip, there were bittersweet moments when that failure plagued me. But,
overall, the trip restored my confidence. I am so grateful that my pastor
allowed me to attend, minister, and especially, to teach. God’s grace had
upheld me throughout the past difficult year and during the trip, He propelled
me forward. Hope and faith returned. Full restoration seemed possible. And I
could see God’s hand in my attending the conference, not as a leader, but
simply as a member. The pressures of details and organization were not mine, so
I had the luxury of focusing on God’s presence and resting in Him. I was free
to have the profound experience of peace that I had.
Inspired and
excited when I came home, I looked forward to teaching again and leading a
team. Sadly, though, it was not to be. Many changes took place. The promotion I
was offered was postponed. Lines of communication broke down for reasons I still do not understand. I
was disappointed and angry again. But the Lord is so gracious. While in prayer
last February, He revealed my heart’s secrets to me. I wanted so much to be
restored, to prove my worth and value, and to undo the great failure. Those
motives came to overshadow my motive to serve Him simply out of love. I saw how
the enemy had set a trap for me and I had fallen into bondage of trying to
prove myself. I realized that as long as I was in that church, I would be bound
to that failure and my need to overcome it. God, in His great mercy, released
my family from the church. It was
difficult, but necessary. I will have no idol before Him, especially not a
position. Rick had known, even before the Germany trip, that our time there was
limited. I had refused to see it.
God was not
the author of this trial, but He certainly has gotten a lot of mileage from it.
Rick and I both have grown a great deal. We have grown closer to each other
too. I know that my husband believes in me even when I can’t believe in myself.
And I’m learning to believe in myself, not for who I am alone, but for who I am
in Christ. I know that I can go beyond myself and my comfort zone because God
is with me. When left to my own devices,
I will fall. But, God will lift me up and set me high. Most importantly, the
Lord has revealed to my heart a needful ministry and some necessary changes
coming in the body of Christ. I have much to say on that, but later, not now.
The Lord has turned this difficult time to my good in so many ways, too many to
mention here, but I must give Him glory for carrying me through it. I have come
to see that the situation was not so much My Great Failure as it was the
simple, everyday failures of several people (including myself) who were just
doing what they thought were the right things. Life happens. Rain falls on the
just and the unjust. We pick up and move forward.
The Lord has
been after me for a while to write this, not to place blame, expose, or hurt
anyone; but to finish the healing of my heart. Writing, for me, brings
catharsis. It is my hope that others can read, relate and be comforted that
they are not alone. We all fail, we all make mistakes. But, we must forgive
others and ourselves if we are to grow. By writing and sharing this chapter of
my life, I am laying it at the foot of the cross, casting it before the Lord
and releasing it into His hands. All is well.
I want to
share one final testimony to the goodness of God. Shortly after that unfortunate
letter and subsequent meeting, the Lord did the most wonderful thing. He led
someone to bless our family with brand new washer and dryer – the ones I had
looked at and wanted for years – complete with pedestals and in my favorite
color. There I was, feeling like a miserable failure that had disappointed God;
but He gave me a precious gift! I cried as I hugged the gift givers and thanked
them. To me, it was more than a washer and dryer – it was a sign of God’s love,
mercy and forgiveness. To this day, whenever I do laundry I think of His great
love for me. In the glorious light of His love, all failures become
insignificant!
