Remembering the Adventure

There remains therefore a rest to the people of God. For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works, as God did from his. Let us labor therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief. ~ Hebrews 4:9-11

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

This month marks the one year anniversary of my trip to Germany. I have thought of that trip quite often in the past two weeks. It was such a wonderful adventure with the Lord! I have so many fond memories of the people I met, the places I visited, the church services, the worship and especially the fellowship I had with the Lord during that time. 

Looking back, I realize just how difficult it was for me to make that journey. I don’t think anyone but God and my husband understood the emotional and psychological torture I had to overcome in order to get to the airport and board that plane. For months in advance of that trip, I prayed through the fourth watch almost every night. I shed tear after tear. I knew that the Lord wanted me to go, but I asked again and again, “Are you sure, Lord?” Of course He was sure, but I wasn’t. Through prayer, He convinced me. Through prayer, He strengthened me and quieted my fears. I had to know, beyond all doubt, that God would be with me on the trip. I knew myself all too well, and knew that I could not do it apart from Him. I knew my shyness, my fear of crowds and strangers, and my tendency to have panic attacks in unfamiliar situations. I knew how hard the separation would be on my family and me. I knew that the trip would be physically challenging. Also, I knew it would be a constant reminder of what I had secretly labeled My Great Failure – I was going on the trip as a team member, not the team leader. That particular wound was still very raw at the time and I cried great tears about it, right up to the day I left for the airport.

But, God….

Telling my family goodbye at that airport was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life! Yet, as soon as I passed security and set my mind on the trip ahead, a great peace began to cover me. The two flights were grueling, but through His grace, I endured. Once we arrived in Germany, I found myself adapting very easily. The next two weeks were absolutely miraculous!! I was still me, and I could still feel that fear and timidity on the inside; but Christ rose up in me in a way that I have never experienced. I was in the presence of God constantly. I was in fellowship with Him at all times, conversing with Him under my breath or in my thoughts. Prayer flowed from my lips continually when I was alone. A great peace settled upon me and remained throughout the trip. I never understood the phrase, “entering into His rest” until then. For those two weeks, I walked in a level of peace, rest and faith that I have never known before or since (although it has come close recently). 

The effects of God’s presence and grace were profound! I found myself talking to strangers and making friends quickly. I slept peacefully each night and awoke refreshed and ready to go. In fact, I was the only person on our team that slept so well. Quite a miracle for a woman who usually has insomnia! Not only did I awake refreshed, but I usually awoke just before my alarm sounded. Whenever I had the opportunity to catch a nap, I would pray and ask the Lord for 15 minutes, an hour, or whatever time was available. I would then set my alarm for that time. I always went right to sleep and woke up just before the alarm.  Physically, I handled the trip much better than I expected. Sure, the long walks and many stairs wore me out, but not too badly. I was amazed at my endurance! My back and knees held up very well. I had back pain only one night (and that was from the stress of dealing with a very difficult person); but as soon as I talked to Rick on Skype, he prayed and the pain left. 

Food was another miracle. Usually, I am a very picky eater. However, during the trip I ate whatever was offered me and loved it! It was amazing! Also, I am a very organized person that always wants to know where I am, where I am going, when I will go, and who is taking me.  I am always the navigator on every trip, constantly consulting maps. While in Germany, I never looked at a map. I could not tell you how to get from the host home to the church or back. I simply trusted others with the schedules and the details. That was a first for me. And in the midst of it all, I had a great, abiding peace. The Lord was as close as my own breath. 

 

God’s great favor was with me throughout the journey. My roommate and I agreed that we had the best accommodations in both cities. We were blessed with extra sightseeing trips in Berlin, courtesy of our wonderful hosts. In Hamburg, we were blessed with an internet connection courtesy of our generous upstairs neighbor. We were well-fed, well-cared for, and well-loved in both cities. She and I got along beautifully and so enjoyed each other’s company.  

Teaching and ministering came very easily. I had been very concerned about working with a translator, but it was not a problem at all. In fact, it felt perfectly natural as I fell into the rhythm of speaking and pausing for the translator.

Ministering in Germany was an amazing adventure. I will be forever grateful to God and to my former pastor for including me in the experience. I loved the people, the churches and the cities of Berlin and Hamburg. I was awed to see the power and love of God poured out on His people. On a personal level, the growth that I experienced in my relationship with God was priceless. I have tasted of the great peace, grace and favor of God and I long for more. My goal is to live daily in that level of faith, experiencing those great treasures that His love provides.

Catching Up

Oh my, I have been away for far too long!

My last post was on my 49th birthday... only three months ago... well, nearly four. So, what have I been up to? I did a lot of writing in May, none of which I chose to share here. Some things were just for me. Other things are for later. May was a marvelous month! Lots of gardening, lots of heart-to-heart talks with the Lord (funny how those two things tend to go together), the beginning of summer movie blockbusters, and evenings sitting with my sweetheart.

Marvelous May changed into Joyful June (at least for the first half), because it was an extension of all the marvelous things in May... plus one really awesome day of fishing with my Dad and all the extended family. Then June became not so joyful. I had a very nasty fall which resulted in a severely sprained hip and a moderately sprained knee. The rest of June is a fog of pain, medication, crutches and laying back in the recliner because it hurt to sit. I have a very clear, happy memory of my guys taking me to see "The Searchers" at the theater. I had taken a pain pill, so sitting did not hurt too bad. It was so great to see John Wayne on the big screen for the first time in 34 years! Also, I remember my husband doing EVERYTHING! He completely ran the show around here and did an awesome job!!! Our sons were a great help too. I have never seen them so concerned about me. All in all, my guys spoiled me rotten. Except for the pain, it was pretty great!

Most of July is a blur, too. The highlight was that Rick and I had our 25th wedding anniversary. Since I was still on crutches, we could not take the trip that we had planned. That was a major bummer. But, we made the best of it and went out for a movie and dinner. It was lovely. Since our first ever movie date was spent watching a Disney princess - "Sleeping Beauty" - we thought it would be fitting to spend our 25th anniversary date watching another Disney princess; so we went to see "Brave." It was such fun! Then we went out for catfish and after that I was ready for the recliner and more pain meds. Not the wonderful celebration we had hoped for, but it was still very special. Hey, as long as I get to spend my anniversary with my man, then I'm blessed!

The highlight of August was our youngest son's 18th birthday.  I'm still in shock. My baby is grown! How could this happen? But, I have to say that I am very proud of that young man! He is so level-headed, kind and peaceful. I am amazed at his stability. In fact, I am very proud of both my sons! They are amazing men! I thank God for them continually!

So, as September approaches, I find myself on the mend. I am walking much easier. Sitting is still a pain, but I know that all is well. The past few months have been a difficult trial, but the Lord has been with me constantly. I have learned much about patience, healing, humility, faith and simply leaning on Jesus. I have learned that I am not superwoman, nor do I want to be. I've learned that my family can get along without my help, control and interference; but they'd rather not. That makes my heart so warm! I've been reminded what a blessing it is to simply walk. My Heavenly Father has turned this accident to my good in so many ways. I am grateful for His guidance, His companionship, His mercy, His patience and His healing touch. I am grateful for the grace that my husband and sons have extended to me throughout this trial. At times, I have been difficult, depressing and downright despicable. But, they loved me anyway! How absolutely divine is that? To be at your complete worst, yet still be loved!! I am exceedingly abundantly blessed!

Lord, help me to love others when they are at their worst. In fact, sometimes it's hard to love them when they are at their best. Please help me to see the good in them always. Make the eyes of my heart blind to outward appearances, so that I may see the heart of others as You do, Father. Help me to love with Your heart and extend mercy as do You. Thank You, Lord, for Your tender mercies!

Goodbye and Hello

So Long 48! You've been a challenging, often painful, yet amazing year!

• You began with breakfast in bed and ended with potato patties in the recliner. Pretty awesome.
• You were the year that I finally conquered the weeds in my big flower bed. Ha ha! I won!
• You were the year I expanded the rose garden (weeds, you don't stand a chance).
• You were the year that my oldest turned 21 and my youngest turned 17 - my sons becoming young men. Sigh.
• You were another year of my husbands love. You were the year that he told me, "I know what you are called to. I know the gift that God has placed in you. I know the strength that is in you." Wonderful!!
• You were the year that I stood against fear and traveled across the ocean for the first time. I spent two weeks wrapped in the peace, grace and protection of God in a greater measure than I have ever known. Amazing!
• You were the year that I said goodbye to one more tooth. Bummer.
• You were the year that I walked under the shadow of failure with my head held high regardless of the pain in my heart. You were also the year that I walked out from under that shadow and declared, "I am free." Joyous relief.
• You were the year that I realized depression has truly been defeated because I found out that if I do go to bed and pull the covers over my head, I can't stay there anymore. At last.
• You were the year of triumph over tax debt! Yes!
• You were the year of the new big screen television... in HD... with blu-ray... and surround sound.  It's like seeing all our favorite movies for the first time. Awesome!!
• You were the year Squirt the turtle died. Sad. Then all the fish died. But, that's what fish do. They die. So, we bought more fish. But, I still miss the turtle sometimes.
• You were the year we built the shed in the backyard. Building it was torture, but I'm so glad we did. :)
• You were the year I started making jewelry for myself, to enhance my beauty. Yes, you were the year I decided to accept that I am. Finally.
• You were the year that some dear ones moved to heaven. I look forward to a future with them. Tah-tah for now.
• You were the year that God blessed me with some treasures that I thought were lost. Thank you, Lord.
• You were the year of a million simple pleasures: My sons saying "thank you, that was good" for meals that I cooked. Rick's kisses and smiles. Watching the birds and squirrels at the feeders. Sitting and talking in the garden. My entourage (the dogs) following me down the hall. Kitties purring on my lap.

I'm sure there was much more to you 48, but it's time to move on now. So, farewell.

***

Hello 49! Welcome to my life! I am excited about you. Together, you and I will make the transition to my next decade. Let me tell you what you will be....

• You will be a year of a million simple pleasures. Some familiar. Some new.
• You will be the year that I have a deeper, closer relationship with God than ever before.
• You will be the year that I truly accept myself for the wonderful creation that I am.
• You will be the year that Rick and I celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
• You will be the year that Quinten turns 18. Both my sons grown into men.
• You will be the best year I've ever lived.

So, welcome 49! You come to me today, clean and fresh and full of possibilities! There are adventures ahead and I am ready to meet them. I am reminded of a recent dream... at my left hand was a rejection letter, which I crumpled and threw away. At my right hand was an endless field of lilies with tall stalks of buds just about to bloom. I walked along that field and stretched my hand across the buds, touching them lightly as I passed, knowing the beauty that was about to bloom. I embraced the joy of what is to come.

Celebration

On Friday I will turn 49 years old. I've decided to start the celebration today by celebrating me.

The Bible tells me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Through the genetics of my parents and all their predecessors, God designed a very unique and beautiful me. He also selected passions, gifts, characteristics and personality traits and placed them all within me. The wonderful me that He designed includes:

• A heart of compassion and mercy.
• An intense love for nature and all living creatures.
• Creativity and artistic gifts.
• A relentless imagination.
• A sense of humor and appreciation of laughter.
• An insatiable appetite to learn.
• A keen ability to retain vast amounts of information, useful and otherwise.
• A love of stories - reading them, watching them and telling them.
• A fierce love for family and friends.
• Spiritual gifts that demonstrate His love to others.
• Brown eyes, silver/brown hair, a crooked smile and a naturally voluptuous body that add up to beautiful. (Wow! That felt really good to write!)
• Most importantly of all, He gave me a relationship with Him.

For far to long, I have focused on my shortcomings, my mistakes, and what I am not. I have bought into the pervasive message of media, advertising, well-meaning critical people, and often the church saying that I am not good enough. No matter how hard I try, I am not meeting some goal, some ideal, some measure of success, some Biblical directive, or someone's opinion of who I should be and what I should be doing. Recently, I came to the horrifying realization that I have spent the greater part of my life trying to please people. So many major decisions in my life were made in an effort to please someone or gain someone's approval. This path has led to depression, anxiety, insecurity, and the constant feeling of failure. I have a new goal:

Follow the Lord and be pleasing to Him.

The first step in this goal is to humble myself to Him by letting Him show me who I am. I must strip off all the outside influences that dictate to me to be this or be that. A few weeks ago, I asked the Lord where I was in my spiritual walk with Him. I heard one word - "detox." He has opened my spiritual eyes and ears to all the toxic waste that has been piled upon me. One by one, these toxins are falling away. One of these toxins is self-hate. I could write an entire blog on this, but not today. Simply put, Christians are so often warned against being selfish and self-centered that we often take that to an extreme. I did. But, I have a new revelation now:

If God loves me, and I know that He does, then who I am to hold my judgment above His and not love myself.

I am talking about a healthy self-love that comes from seeing myself through God's eyes and celebrating the unique creation that I am. Submitting to God's vision of me provides me with a greater trust in Him and security within myself. God loves me and accepts me as I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am valuable to Him. I am worthy of His love.  Once these concepts are settled within me, then I am free from the bondage of trying to validate myself through others opinions. I am free from the insecurity of trying to be good enough. My opinion of myself is settled and no influence can change it. When changes in my life, thoughts, attitude, emotions, actions, habits or appearance need to be made, God will let me know. I will see myself in the mirror of His word and make the changes accordingly.

Jesus gave us two commandments that fulfill all the law and the prophets:
1. Love God with all your heart, soul and mind.
2. Love others as yourself.

If I don't love myself, then how can I love others? Loving myself as God loves me frees me up to love others as God loves them.

So, today I celebrate the me that God loves. I embrace His love for me with my whole heart!

Revolution

Revolution is defined as "a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving." The word itself literally means "a turning around."

A revolution is taking place in my life. I've felt it coming for quite some time. God has been preparing me for it. In fact, I believe it has been taking place for many years now. Building, growing - like a foundation being laid. But, what I have sensed lately is a true and lasting turning point. I know it won't happen in one momentous day. Instead, it is happening in increments. A milestone here, a revelation there.

One revelation took place just two months ago, on February 23rd. During a church service I responded to an altar call to let go of some baggage - anger, guilt, unworthiness, fear. While at the altar, the words "I am free" resounded in my spirit. I caught a glimpse of the true freedom that Jesus purchased for me with His sacrifice. I realized that it is more profound than I ever imagined. Since that night, God has been leading me peacefully and steadily along a path of freedom. Breaking off bondages one by one. Healing my shattered heart. Stillness has returned. That stillness where I know that He is God. That stillness where all is well with my soul.

About a month ago, I prayed with a heartfelt supplication, "Lord, please reinvent me." What I have been experiencing since that prayer is not so much a reinvention, but a realigning. God is realigning my perception. Instead of changing who I am, He is causing me to see who I already am through His eyes. I already am the person He created me to be. Maybe not to my fullest potential, but I'm already me. I am in the continual process of being conformed to the image of Christ. I am already the individual creation of a loving Father, a vessel formed with specific details that make me uniquely me. I was never intended to be a carbon copy of every other Christian. I am a part of the body of Christ, the part that God created me to be. He is teaching me to embrace and love His creation - me. As I conform more and more to Christ, I also become more me.

It's that wonderful paradox: He that finds his life shall lose it; and he that loses his life for My sake shall find it. ~ Matthew 10:39

The more I yield my will and my life to the Lord, the more I find my true self. By denying myself, I find myself in Him.

Tonight, I experienced a profound turning point. I had a revelation that set me free from a major bondage in my life. It was not the freedom I expected, but it was the truth that I have so desperately needed. I sat down and cried big, hot tears of relief. I'm not ready to share it yet, but I will.

Revolution has arrived! Praise God!!

Downcast / Uplifted

Sleeplessness at 3 a.m. / Resting in Him
Nagging physical pain / The promise of healing
Swirling vortex of  hopeless emotions / The anchor that is Jesus
Realizing that people would rather talk about me than to me / Talking to my Heavenly Father
Feeling rejected and abandoned / My husband's hand taking mine
Dark, heavy thoughts / Sitting in the sunshine of the garden
Waiting so very long for a restoration that doesn't come / My King's scepter held out to me
Absolute, irrational panic / Being led beside still waters
Thinking I could be dead and not missed / Knowing I would be immediately welcomed Home
Being desperately Homesick / Deciding to stay and walk it out
The lie of hopelessness / The truth of the hope in glory
Inner emptiness / The first bloom of spring
Bone-deep weariness / Christ's yoke
Loneliness / The dog that insists on being petted
Sadness / My sons' contagious laughter
Feeling useless / Creating something from nothing
Losing my way / A poem in my dreams -  
                          Stay in faith
                          Hold down the fort
                          Expect to hear a good report
Raging, roaring lions / The blood of Christ to hold them at bay
Feeling like an utter failure / Talking to my sons and knowing they are becoming fine men
Insecurity / Watching sparrows eating at the feeders and being reminded that my Lord cares
Emotional pain and bondage / Gratitude that I have never known desperate hardship
Missing loved ones who have passed on / Looking forward to eternity in their company
Anxiety / The calm purr of a cat on my lap
Ostracized / An unconditional embrace
The pressure of situations closing in around me / A deep breath
Being disregarded by people who once called me valuable / Being accepted in the Beloved
Overwhelming chaos in my thoughts / God's still voice
Captivity / The wind in my face
Fear / Unconditional, eternal love
Mountains of doubt / A seed of faith
Embarrassment and shame / The sea of forgetfulness
The dark night of the soul / The joy that comes in the morning
The possibility that no one will ever read this / Writing it anyway

Wolf Tales

I’ve always been fascinated with wolves. Today, my sons and I went to see the movie The Grey and I remembered why those elusive beasts have intrigued me so. It was a very visceral movie with beautiful scenery, nerve-wracking suspense and a strong lead performance. I didn’t care for some of the fatalistic views on faith and I felt downright cheated at one point in the film. But, do you know what I loved most about the film? The wolves. Yes, they were killing people. Yes, they were vicious. Hey, they are wolves. This is what wolves do in the wild. They hunt and they defend their territory. All that aside, I loved the mystery and the chill that the film evoked about the wolves. You did not see them much, but you heard them… and you felt them. You knew they were there even when they weren’t. The movie brought back such memories….

I grew up in a family of hunters. I have always had a very deep love and respect for animals. But, I’ve never been squeamish about hunting for food or survival. I can skin a rattlesnake without batting an eye. As a kid, I heard many tales (and tall tales) about hunting. My favorites were the wolf stories. My cousin Lonnie would tell me about wolf hunts that he had heard in the woods near his home. He would lay in bed listening to the wolves calling to the pack and the hounds baying on their trail.

My favorite story was told to me by Mom’s brothers, my uncles Junior and Jim. I heard the story from both of them at different times. I remembered that story today and I decided I needed to write it down. I hope that I remember it well enough. I know that both times I heard it, we were sitting in the woods at night by the campfire… cold to our backs and warmth on our faces.  As the story goes, Junior and Jim were staying with their Aunt Mable and Uncle Pete near Paris, Texas. They were young men and there were still wolves in that area back then. Late one night, the two men heard the wolves howling in the nearby woods. Hungry for adventure, they grabbed their guns and a light and headed out into the dark. They followed the howls, hoping to sneak up on one of the brutes and get a shot. The howls got more intense with pack members calling to each other. The sounds got louder and the men knew they were getting closer. As they drew near, there were snarls and growls and then silence. Junior and Jim moved ahead slowly, watching and listening. Their light fell on a strange heap and they moved toward it to see what it was. Suddenly, they realized it was a fresh kill. The ground around it was covered in blood and wolf tracks. Then they heard the wolves all around them, moving in the trees just beyond their light. My uncles knew they were in a bad place and they began to back out the way they came. They had each other’s backs with their guns up and ready to fire, but the wolves let them pass. They went back to the house without a trophy that night, but felt fortunate just the same.

Both times I heard this story, I could sense the awe and fear in my uncles’ voices. Both times it gave me chills. I would ask them about it again and again over the years. Junior’s eyes would get wide and he’d tell me how he had nightmares of wolves after that. He told me about one dream where he was in his truck and the wolves were eating their way through the floorboard to get at him. I didn’t ask Junior much about it after that. Jim would talk about it whenever I asked, though. He’d admit how scared he was, but excited too. Jim loved adventures! 

Just last week, I came across the old Clint Walker movie, The Night of the Grizzly. I love that movie. As I watched it last week, I remembered watching it with Uncle Jim back in the ‘70’s when he lived with my family. I had seen the movie before, but he hadn’t. I told him he had to see it. He enjoyed that movie so much! After seeing it, he was determined to go bear hunting! That’s all he talked about. He read magazines about bear hunts. He and I talked about bear hunts. Jim finally got to go black bear hunting in Colorado in about ’79 or ’80 (I think). He was so excited! When he got back, he told about the one time during the hunt that he actually came upon fresh bear tracks and could hear the animal in the woods; but he never got a shot. He said it was a scary feeling and he was shaking all over. I asked if it was like the night with the wolves. Jim looked at me with big eyes and quickly shook his head no! 

I have my own wolf story. Jim’s in it, too. I’m afraid it doesn’t hold a candle to the story of him and Junior, but it was enough to haunt me for a lifetime. 

When I was young, we spent most weekends at my dad’s ranch near Jacksboro. Lots of family would come to the place on the weekends to help my dad with the work, or to hunt, or to ride motorcycles. There were still some wolves around back then, before they all got hunted out. My brother, uncles and cousins would talk about hearing the wolves howling in the woods at night. A time or two, I actually heard them myself, way off in the distance. I loved the sound. I could never get enough of it. It was easy to enjoy it when I was standing at the house listening to the wolves run the river bottoms way down below. It was safe. There was one late night, when I was thirteen or so, that I offered to help Jim run his trotlines in the river. We drove Dad’s pickup down into the woods and parked it. Jim and I climbed over the barbed wire fence and walked about fifty feet to the river bank. I held the flashlight as he checked his trotlines and found them empty. The woods were dark and quiet. It always thrilled me to be in the woods at night. It was so mysterious and captivating. Jim and I returned to the fence and had just crossed over it when we heard a low, moaning noise. It was the eeriest sound I had ever heard. We both froze. “Is that an owl?” I whispered. Just then another voice joined in, closer than the first. It was a classic howl, round and deep, rising up through the night. I recognized it just as Jim exclaimed, “wolves!” More voices cut into the night filling it with an otherworldly harmony that chilled me with a primal fear. The truck was only a few feet away, but I think I cleared the distance in one leap. I managed to climb inside quickly, but quietly. The window was down, and I whispered to Jim to get in the truck. He walked up next to me and simply said, “Listen.” I can still see him standing in the dim moonlight, smiling. I listened. The wolves were across the river from us. Their voices had been scattered at first, but were gathering now and moving closer. The woods resounded with their howls and calls. It was amazing! I was absolutely exhilarated! They sounded so close that I expected to see them at any second. When I shared that thought with Jim, he told me that he hadn’t heard them cross the river. He said they were probably at the spot where we had just checked the trotline. “They can smell us,” he said as he grinned. “Get in the truck!” I responded. Finally, he did. We sat in the truck, listened and waited for them to appear out of the darkness. Apparently, we were not interesting enough to investigate. The wolves quieted a bit and headed further up river. We waited until we could not hear them any longer; then we began to laugh, quietly and nervously at first, then loudly and full of excitement. We talked about every detail, how we felt, what we thought, and what it sounded like. Jim and I finally gave up and drove back to the house. We talked about that night for years afterward.

Jim and I became very good friends over the years. He taught me a lot about hunting. He called me Bear because I hibernated in my room too much and I called him Skunk because he was a stinker. Jim died of lung cancer in 1982. He was in his thirties. I wrote a short story for him after his passing. Maybe someday I’ll find it in a box somewhere and post it here. I’ve missed him this week. Movies of bears and wolves have reminded me so much of him. Jim would have loved The Grey!

I sat in the theater today, gazed into dark woods once again and heard the voices from my youth. Wolves singing through the night. It gave me chills. It exhilarated me. They still fascinate me as much as ever. They are beautiful beasts. They can be savage, yet tender to their young and devoted to their pack. I looked at our dogs today and was amazed at how closely they resemble their cousins. They have teeth that could rip me apart, but they remain loving and faithful. I have no doubt that our dogs would defend a member of our family with their lives. I am honored that I am part of their pack. 

Is there a moon out tonight? I think I need to go howl a bit….

Jimmy Ray Clark, "Uncle Jim"

Notes of the Painting: "Night Visitors" by Carol Rasor Welch, oil on canvas, 24"x36", Copyright 1991