A Tale of the Tongue

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:29-32

Many years ago, I learned a very valuable lesson about relationships. I was working with several women and four of us had gotten very close by working on several projects together. One woman, I’ll call her Monica, was always telling me how helpful I was and how good I was at certain things – always very positive towards me. And when we were with the other two women, I’ll call them Rachel and Phoebe, she was the same towards them – very positive. However, after some time, I began to notice that when Monica and I were alone, she had nothing good to say about Rachel or Phoebe. She pointed out their flaws and told me personal information about them that always seemed to be negative. Now, me being me, did not really catch on to this for quite awhile. Monica and I got along, we had several things in common that we enjoyed discussing and we were real encouragers for each other. And I have to admit, when the negative talk got started, I often took part. I listened to it and I even added my own observations of a negative nature. Thankfully, I can honestly say that I never spread any of this any further than my husband (who listens to such conversations by letting them in one ear and out the other, never remembering a thing – he just nods in the right places) and I never shared confidential information (I still don’t ever do that). It’s also important to point out that when I was alone with Rachel or Phoebe our conversations focused more on projects or situations, not on people. We encouraged one another occasionally and there was even the occasional negative comment about someone, but not nearly to the degree that this went on with Monica.

My day of enlightenment came when I was talking to Rachel and Phoebe about a certain project and I referred to something regarding Monica. I saw a look pass between Rachel and Phoebe that instantly told me I had been slammed. It was one of those occasions when my mouth stepped out ahead of my head and I said, “so what has she been saying about me that’s bad?” Their mouths fell open, their eyebrows shot up, and one of them whispered, “how did you know?” My response was, “she never has anything good to say about either of you to me, so she must be trashing me to both of you!” I was exactly right! We three had a good talk about what Monica really thought about us. We were very sorry for having listened, participated and fallen for the whole thing.

I remember being very disappointed in Monica. I was also disappointed in myself. The saddest part to me was that I had believed that Monica really meant all the positive things that she had said to me and that she had valued my friendship so much that she could confide in me. I was devastated to find out that Monica’s comments to the others negated all her compliments to me. I realized that I had been used and manipulated. I lost all trust in Monica. I never confronted her with the information, and I don’t think the others did either. I honestly don’t think it would have done any good. Knowing her, she would have denied it, turned it against us and made herself out to be the victim. My friendship with Monica was over and I avoided her company until, shortly after the incident, I moved on to other things. I did not pursue keeping up a friendship with any of those three women. In fact, I avoided friendships with women in general for some time afterward.

As it turned out, the incident had a rather profound impact on my life. I was able to look back and see similar situations in other relationships I had had earlier. A few involved men, but mostly such circumstances involved women. After that, I hesitated about getting involved with groups of women. I tended to hang out on the sidelines of women’s organizations and watch carefully without really getting involved- in fact I still do. I recognized the same pattern cropping up again and again with other women. For several years, I managed to avoid anything other than minor incursions. But, I eventually found myself getting sucked back into the very same thing again, much to my frustration and anger when I finally recognized it.

I believe there is a behavior involved that is rooted in a deep lack of self-esteem. It seems to go something like this: “I’m OK and you’re OK, but everyone else is really not. You and I can create a bond based on this. I can tell you how wonderful you are which fills your need, in hopes that you will reciprocate and fill my need. And if I talk about how bad everyone else is, we’ll both feel better. We share a secret and that bonds us together. And if I tell you how bad my other co-worker, sibling, friend, etc. is it’s validating that they were the problem rather than me.” There tends to be an instigator – the one who gets the pattern started, as Monica did. But, there is also a participant – the one who goes along with it and adds fuel to the fire. Each one can have this same dysfunctional relationship with several different people at the same time. A major give-away to this behavior is that the conversation is emotionally charged. Displeased facial expressions, groans and exclamations are signs that the conversation has crossed into the territory of unforgiveness, insecurity, frustration and accusation. In contrast, there is also the whispered monotone while the speaker's eyes dart around to be sure no one is hearing.

Guess what? I’m guilty!! I’ve been on both ends of this. Because of my passive nature, I tend to be the participant more often than the instigator; but I now recognize that I have been both and both are equally guilty. After all, it does take two to gossip!

As I’ve written this, my eyes have really opened to recognize this behavior in so many areas of my life. It comes in different disguises. Some of it is outright gossip, but some is not. Some is disguised as “so you can pray” or “you need to know” or other even more subtle forms. I think it’s important to expose this destructive behavior and grow past it. For too long I have watched, and participated in, this tactic that people, particularly women, use to manipulate and control a relationship in order to get emotional needs met – without even realizing we are doing it.

I have come to a place that I detest this behavior – in myself and in others. It grieves the Holy Spirit when we speak evil of others. It is as if we are holding our own opinions above our Father’s. He sees us through the blood of Christ and the eyes of love. He asks us to do the same with our neighbors.

Does this mean that we can never talk about problems? No. There is a way to do that in love. I remember a pastor once sitting down with Rick and I to tell us about a situation with a friend of ours who had taken a bad road. The pastor wanted to warn us, so that if this friend came to us for money, we wouldn’t be taken in. He told us what had happened in a very straightforward way that expressed compassion for our friend rather than anything negative. I’ll never forget how he paused in the middle of his story, looked at me and said, “You know, we can talk about situations without talking bad about people.” Then he continued as if he had never paused. That stuck with me in a very powerful way and I’ll never forget how he handled that situation. I believe that his pause and interjection directed to me was straight from God. It caused me to mark that incident as the right way to communicate about negative circumstances.

My desire is to please God, rather than grieve Him. I deeply regret all the times that I have failed at it.  I have asked His forgiveness and I know that He has freely given it. I know that there will be times in the future when I will have to choose not to participate in that old pattern, even if it means stopping a conversation with someone. As much as I hate to make waves, I would rather please God.

Father, thank You for forgiving my sins and loving me past my shortcomings. Thank You for exposing the iniquities in my life and teaching me how to change. I forgive those that have spoken evil against me. I forgive those that have instigated me or participated with me in evil conversations. I ask You to place a coal on my lips so that I only speak words that are edifying and bring grace to the hearer. Please help me to be kind, tenderhearted and compassionate towards others in person and in speaking of them. Teach me how to control my tongue. Please give me the strength and boldness to separate myself from any conversation that is not pleasing to You. ~ Amen