Did We Win in 2010?

If we kept the faith,

if we loved God,

if we loved others,

if we showed mercy,

if we forgave trespasses,

if we forgave ourselves,

if we stood back up after falling,

if we gave,

if we were a light in the darkness,

if we were the salt that flavored a life,

if we looked beyond ourselves,

if we met another's need,

if we fought the good fight,

if we persevered,

if we worshiped God,

if we honored Him,

if we gave Him glory,

if we simply believed Him...

...then we won.

~ ~ ~

My pastor, Linda Silverman, declared this time last year that we were destined to win in 2010. She has repeated that phrase so often throughout the year. She preached many messages that prepared us for battle and launched us toward victory. As she has said many times, you can't win without a battle. You can't make the grade without being tested. You can't overcome unless there's an obstacle. Thank you, Pastor, for training us to be good soldiers.

Everyone that I know has faced battles in 2010. Some big, some bigger, some epic. As the year neared its close, I began to seek the Lord about whether we did win in 2010. What is written above is the answer that He placed in my heart. As I wrote it, I realized that His concept of winning may be just a little different than what we expected. Maybe we didn't win the lottery or that great job or promotion. Maybe we didn't win a new car, a new house or a new wardrobe. Maybe that illness remains. Maybe all our problems weren't miraculously solved and tied up with a pretty bow. But maybe, just maybe, if we can look at God's list of victories and find those that were true of our lives in 2010, then we can step into 2011 as winners.

Victory!

~ ~ ~

'Tis the Season...

'Tis the Season...to be jolly... to be joyful... to be grateful... to spend time with loved ones... to give... to love... to laugh... to celebrate... to decorate... to shop... to spend too much... to worry... to stress... to argue... to expect too much... to be disappointed... to miss those who have passed... to be depressed... to be lonely... to feel rejected and unloved.

Sad, but true. The Christmas Season is the most wonderful, joyful time of year for many. But, so many of those same people struggle with hurts and disappointments and memories of past Christmas pains. Been there, done that. Christmas has always been wonderfully special to me. However, at the same time, it has been difficult and often painful. There is one year in particular that I was heartbroken; but I received the most beautiful, priceless gift.

My mother moved to Heaven in 2003. If ever there was a woman who knew how to make Christmas special, it was her! I could fill an entire blog with the details of the decorations, lights, shopping adventures, red packages with handmade bows, cookies, pies, handmade gifts and family gatherings. It was all very magical and very wonderful!! When she passed on, Christmas was forever changed for our family. That first Christmas without her was hard, but the whole family struggled through together. Several months later, my dad moved out of the old homeplace of almost forty years and put it up for sale. That house and all its furnishings were, for me, a reflection of my mom's life. In that house, I still felt connected to her. To see it all dismantled, everything moved out and the house sold to strangers devastated me. It was like losing her all over again. I did not handle it well at all. I said and did things that hurt my family. I was very hurt myself.

When Christmas came that year, I could not bear the thought of attending a family gathering. Rick and the boys were struggling too and shared my feelings. We decided not to attend the family parties for either side of the family, Rick's or mine. We just wanted, needed, to have a Christmas to ourselves to heal.

It was traditional for both of our families to have Christmas on Christmas Eve. It was always a source of stress to fit so much into one day; but that also meant a day busy with excitement, fun and much to do. On this particular Christmas Eve, for the first time in my life, I found myself alone that afternoon with nothing to do. The boys were in their rooms playing. Rick was napping. I went into my bedroom and cried with loneliness and grief. I missed my mother and the rest of my family. I felt rejected by my family. Sure, I had been invited and it was my choice not to go; but inwardly I was afraid that people were still hurt and angry with me and really didn't want me there. In my pain, I cried out to my Heavenly Father.

"Father, what do I do today?"

He answered me so clearly, "You could talk to me. So many of the people who love me are too busy for me today."

So, I began to pour my heart out to Him and tell Him how lonely and rejected I felt. He told me that He understood; that He, too, had been rejected.

"Yes, Lord, I know... the cross," I replied.

"No," He said, "before that."

Then, He led me through a profound Bible study, unfolding before me the history of rejection:

Satan was originally an anointed cherub named Lucifer, God's most beautiful creation, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty. God loved him so much that He clothed Lucifer in precious stones and called him perfect! But, Lucifer rejected God! He rejected the position that God had given him and sought to exalt himself above God. Lucifer incited a rebellion in Heaven and turned one-third of the angelic Heavenly Host against God. One-third of the angels, that God created and loved, rejected Him. If all that wasn't enough, Adam, the first man that He created, rejected God by disobeying Him. Adam, whom He loved and walked with in the cool of the day, rejected Him. Since that time, men have continually rejected God through unbelief, disobedience and outright contempt. Even after God sent His own Son to bridge the gap that Adam's sin created, God is still rejected by millions. Every day, God reaches out to people through miracles, blessings and comfort, only to be rejected yet again. God has done nothing to bring on such rejection. Millions of people blame God for all the evil in the world - disease, natural disasters, famine and so on. Jesus made it clear in John 10:10 that "the thief comes not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." The thief He refers to is Satan. That same Lucifer that rejected God wreaks havoc in the world and deceives people into blaming God, so that they, like him, will reject the very One that loves them and gave them life.

After the Lord walked me through the scriptures, laying this all out before me, I wept. Not for myself, but for the rejection that my loving Father has endured.

"How," I asked, "how could you possibly endure all of this and not be moved by it?"

"Because," my Father answered, "none of it affects who I AM."

In that instant, I caught a glimpse of the Eternal God. Never changing. Eternally established. What I glimpsed of Him is truly too great for words. I also caught a flicker of who I am in Him. The spirit that He created when He created me is also eternal. The essence of who I am in Christ is hidden in Him. No person can ever change that. Rejection only affects me when I allow it to do so. In truth, rejection does not change who I am. Rejection by a person is merely an opinion. God's opinion of me never changes. He thinks the same of me now as He did when He first conceived the notion of me. In this life I live in the earth, my soul (my mind, will and emotions) is changeable. That part of me is continually (hopefully) being conformed to His image. When God sees me, He sees the finished work. He accepts me. He loves me. He will never reject me. He loves you the same way.

I often marveled at the endurance that Jesus had at the cross. How He forgave such utter rejection of Himself. Jesus told His disciples, "I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven." He witnessed Satan's rejection of His Father. I believe that Jesus understood before going to the cross that His Father was not asking Him to endure anything that He had not endured Himself. Like Father, like son. As Jesus told Philip (John 14:9), "He that has seen me has seen the Father." This knowledge has helped me so many times to forgive what has felt like scathing rejection. I still fall. I still allow my emotions to get tangled up in what people think. But, when I remember what my Father and my Lord Jesus have endured, I can remember who I am and I can get back up.

As we move deeper into the Christmas Season, and all the opportunities arise to feel lonely, rejected and unloved, I pray that you seek comfort in the One who has suffered more rejection than we can imagine. I also pray that you set aside a little time for our Father this Christmas. I encourage you to sit down and talk with Him. He has so much to share.

For my wonderful friends who will want to follow this Bible Study for themselves (Joy - you know I mean you), here are the scripture references:
Rejection by Lucifer and the angels - Isaiah 14:12-15, Ezekiel 28:11-17, Matthew 25:41, Luke 10:18, 2 Peter 2:4, Jude 1:6, Revelation 12:1-9.
Rejection by Adam - Genesis 3.
Rejection by mankind - 1 Samuel 8:7 and 10:19, 2 Kings 17:15, Isaiah 53:3, Matthew 21:42, Mark 8:31, Luke 7:30, 9:22 and 17:25.

Being Still

Be still, and know that I am God... ~ Psalm 46:10

Three weeks ago, I finished my painting and posted it here on my blog. The world has been so quiet since then. Well, maybe not the world, maybe just me. I have slept so peacefully and have truly rested for the first time in... I can't remember when. All is well with my soul. Will it stay that way? (giggle) Probably not. I'm an imperfect person living in a fallen world surrounded by other imperfect people. Storms will come. But, there's a stillness in my soul that I have not sensed in a long time, and this time it is deeper... stiller.

God seems... bigger.

Now, I know that God has not changed, so it must be that I have. Perhaps, I've emptied a bit more of myself out and made more room for Him. I sense a deeper understanding of His Sovereignty... a deeper trusting... a deeper reliance on Him. Whatever it is, I like it. I'm determined to keep it.

Jessey is prepping for final exams at college next week, which brings back memories for me. I remember that relentless grind that intensified those last few weeks before finals. There was so much pressure from every class, every professor, every assignment. I would come to the point in those last agonizing days of finishing assignments that I thought I would just go crazy. Then, in an instant, the last final was over and relief flooded my soul. I would go home to my parents' house and hole up in my room for a few days. I would watch movies and sleep. I would bask in the relief of no pressure. I would be still.

Yesterday, I recognized the similarity of that time to my life today. Those last few weeks I worked on my painting held all the pressure of final exams. Not an external pressure this time, but an internal one. A battle in my soul. The instant I finished the painting, it was over. Since then, I've been still. Sure, I've had bronchitis since just before Thanksgiving, but it hasn't really mattered. It's been like a minor discomfort in the background. A light affliction, just for a moment. It will pass. In fact, I think the bronchitis has helped me to be still. (Now, I am not saying that God gave me bronchitis to get me to rest. That's not scriptural. But, God will use every obstacle in our life for our benefit if we let Him.) About all I have done for three weeks is work at my job and rest. For me, at this time of year, that's nothing short of a miracle.

Christmas is only two weeks away and I am not stressed! It's amazing. Normally, I would be stressing over decorations, gifts, finances, shopping, shipping, parties, memories, baking and every little detail of life in the Christmas season. Not this year. The guys put up Christmas lights without my help. They're still not done, according to last year's standard; but the house is beautiful!! If more lights go up, fine; if not, fine. I'm leaving that to Rick and the boys. There is not one single decoration up in the house. No problem. The tree will go up this weekend. So will my Mom's nativity and village. That's all that matters. I've been shopping online. Almost done. I trust that I will feel like baking in a week or so. I am just not stressed about any of it. It's wonderful. Christmas will come no matter what we do or don't do. The Grinch taught me that ;) All the things that I have named are just traditions. They are meant to enhance the Christmas experience, not rule it or define it. Traditions should be an expression of our joy and gratitude, not a source of stress. Could it be that I am finally learning how to live by that?

To some, all of this may not seem like such a big deal. For me, it marks a profound change. In years past, the month of December was like the end of a college semester. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were the final exams. Pressure and stress ruled the season. Relief came on December 26th. Not so this year. The season hasn't changed. The traditions haven't changed. So, I guess I've changed. I've allowed myself to be still and let God be bigger than the circumstances, than me, than my need for control and perfection. There is such amazing peace in that. I can trust Him with all of my heart. Not to do what I want. But to do what is best. I can be still and trust Him.

My Testimony - Part Two

"Mighty Woman Found" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 2010

Jesus said...

"I have come as a Light into the world, so that whoever believes on Me should not remain in darkness." ~ John 12:46

"I am the Door..." ~ John 10:9

"I am the Way..." ~ John 14:6

This morning, nothing seemed more important than finishing this painting. I just couldn't leave that little girl sitting in that dark room any longer. As soon as the morning sunlight filtered into my studio, I was at the easel. Sunday evening, I had reached that place of "finished" where I had to sit back and look for the final touches. I made those few today. It's been a long, difficult battle; but, as Jesus said, it is finished.

As I mentioned in Part One, I've been carrying this painting for about eight years. The vision for it came with the revelation that the light in "Little Girl Lost" is Jesus. And, just like with that earlier painting, the title came with the vision. This painting is a continuation of the little girl's story... my story. Again, it is a self-portrait.

When I rededicated my life to Jesus in 2001, I was still in the grip of depression. On March 4, I sat in church service, choking back the tears. A very sweet woman named Natalie came over to me during the altar call and invited me to go up with her for prayer. When I stepped up to the Pastor and the woman that was ministering with him, all I could say was, "I'm having a hard time." Then the tears came. They began to pray in the Holy Spirit and the woman suddenly said, "Depression, get off of her in the name of Jesus!" There was such authority in her voice! And she knew! How did she know? She called out the very thing, the very name of that horrible plague that had defined my life for so long. I knew that God was at work. As she prayed over me, the minister kept saying, "You're free." Then she had me say. "I'm free." She told me to write down that day's date as the day I was set free. I wrote it in my Bible.

One week later, a visiting minister held a healing altar call. Rick's back pain was healed that night. After witnessing that miracle, I went up for prayer as well. I knew there had been a change in the past week. The depression had eased, but I still had the insomnia, fatigue and anxiety that always went with it. As the minister prayed for me that night, I felt something physically drain from my body, from my head downwards as though it were running down and puddling at my feet. I was flooded with relief and was weak all over. The closest sensation I have ever had was a shot of Demerol, but that doesn't even come close. Rick practically had to carry me to the car. That night I slept better than I ever had in my life.

From that time forward, I experienced a peace and a joy in my life that I never thought I could have. Depression may have defined twenty-five years of my life, but Jesus has defined the last ten. I know that the Lord touched me physically, spiritually and emotionally. I have not taken a single anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication since that time. The depression tried to return a few times, but I stood against it and it could not stay. Until last fall, when I stumbled back into the pit. For the past year, it's been an emotional roller coaster. I have refused to just lay down and give in the way I used to, so this time around has been very different. I have stayed very close to the Lord and I've kept my face turned to the Light.

Which brings me back to this painting. I've carried the vision of it - the little girl grown into a woman, the window actually a door and the true Light come to set her free. But I could never bring myself to paint it, until I found myself in that dark room again. I knew that it was time. I had to paint my way out of that room - once and for all.

"Little Girl Lost" is the easiest painting I have ever done. "Mighty Woman Found" is certainly the most difficult. I have labored over it more than any other painting. I have suffered through so much torment in my soul since I began painting it. I've stepped into some traps and made some mistakes. I was so tempted, so many times, to just quit painting. But, I was determined to finish this painting. It has been such a fight! I laid down a lot to see this one through.

Why was this painting so hard? I believe it's because we have an enemy, God's enemy, who is determined to hamper the efforts of Christians to spread the Gospel. What did the devil really care for a depressed housewife to paint a picture of a little girl with "hope"? The Holy Spirit worked through me with little or no interference. But, for a woman of faith to find the way out of darkness and paint a picture that demonstrates that way out - well, that just might be considered a threat. Praise God!! It is my desire and my prayer that "Mighty Woman Found" will find her way into the lives of others who are trapped in the dark and show them the Way out.

When I began, I did not see what was in the doorway. I knew that Jesus was there, but I expected it to be filled with light. It was only as I was painting that I began to see past the door. A path took shape, then a garden grew. I believe these two paintings tell the story of a little girl who grew up in the Light, although she was surrounded by darkness. Finally, she was drawn to the Light and looked fully into it, realizing its source. She called out to the Light and He answered. He opened a door into the darkness and offered her freedom. She took His hand....

For a few weeks now, I have been seeing the woman stand up and walk out of that room - always from the perspective of the painting's viewer. This morning, after I signed the painting, I sat back and closed my eyes. I saw through the eyes of the woman in the painting. I looked into His face and I stood up. I followed Him out the door and it closed behind us. I felt His hand. I felt the stones beneath my feet. I smelled the roses. I felt the sunlight and the breeze. Joy came this morning, and with it, laughter. Holding my Lord's hand, I began to walk the path of my destiny.

Therefore if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed. ~ John 8:36

My Testimony - Part One

"Little Girl Lost" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 1991

And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overtake it.
~ John 1:5 (MKJV)

For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. ~ Hebrews 13:5 (KJV)

This painting has been hanging over my desk for several years, waiting for me to paint part two. It is a self-portrait and it is the beginning of my testimony. Yes, so sad, I know. But look at the light. As it turns out, this painting is not about the little girl, it's about the light. But I'll get back to that.

I painted this one in 1991. At that time, I wanted desperately to get back to painting, so I audited a painting class at Tarrant County College. I already had a Bachelor's degree in Art, but I thought the studio environment would give me a "jump start". Something amazing happened in that class - I went a direction in painting where I had never gone - I painted the dark places of my life. That had always been taboo before, as I opted instead to paint "pretty pictures" that gave me a sense of escape. By the end of the class, I had painted fear, depression, anger, jealousy and denial. My last painting for the class was this one -
"Little Girl Lost".

The image came to me very clearly and complete. The title came with the vision. I knew it had to be large, so I bought a 30"x40" canvas and dove in. This is the easiest painting I have ever done. As I said, the vision came so clearly. I used an old photograph of myself as a reference for the little girl, with some changes. I was amazed at how quickly it came together and was finished. I knew when I painted it that it was the most powerful work I had ever done. But I had no idea why.

The little girl in the painting is me. I knew from the beginning that it was a self-portrait. Everyone that sees this painting has the same reaction, "She's so sad." Yes, she is. I was an extremely shy child and there was a lot of sadness and loneliness that came with that. As a teenager, I became terribly depressed. It puzzled everyone. I came from a good, loving family. I was spoiled rotten - in a good way. I was never abused. Yet, I didn't want to live. I was in terrible emotional pain. My mom had also suffered from depression, so she did the only thing she knew to do - she took me to the doctor. So, at age 13, I was prescribed anti-depressants and sent to a counselor. That was the beginning of 25 years of therapy and medication (I took over a dozen different kinds during that time). I was eventually diagnosed with chronic depression (due to a hereditary chemical imbalance), anxiety, panic attacks and borderline agoraphobia. I was told there was no cure, just medication and learning some "coping skills". Medication never really helped that much, and I was not very good at coping. So I mostly suffered and trudged through life anyway. It's that torment of depression that the little girl portrays.

She sits in a dark room - totally black (In the photo, the brush strokes tend to reflect light and look gray, but it is really solid black - only Rick could get it to photograph this good). I have always seen the room as the black pit of depression, but it has many names and many places within it. It is the place of "would've-could've-should've" and the prison of fear. There is a dead-end hallway of people pleasing, a pacing track of anxiety, a pounding wall of anger and an even deeper hole of suicidal thoughts. Anyway, enough about that. I know the place all too well and I hate it!

I won't even begin to talk about the darkness. Darkness talks about itself quite enough. And it always talks about what is wrong with everything.

The real subject of this painting is the light. In that dark room, there is a window filled with light. That light pours in and shines upon the little girl, even though she doesn't recognize it. When I painted this, I was most fascinated by the light. I loved the way that it pierced the darkness and caressed the child. At the time, I thought of the light as hope. I was still battling depression then, but I was finally in a place of hope. I now believe that the light was always shining on the little girl. Sometimes she saw it, quite often she warmed herself in it and it always gave her the strength to go on. She just did not know how to get to the light. She always thought it was just out of reach.

There is one other element in the painting that I would point out. Behind the child is a figure of a woman in the darkness. It is painted with the same black as the background and is only delineated by palette knife strokes. I painted it with the intention that it be the destined woman that the little girl would grow to be, hidden in the darkness.

Fast forward to 2002 and the painting was stored behind my bedroom dresser. The year before, I had rededicated my life to the Lord and He had pulled me out of that pit. I had been off anti-depressants for about a year and was doing better than I had ever been. While in prayer one day, the Lord reminded me of this painting and I had an "ah-ha" moment. I ran to get the painting, pulled it out, dusted it off and marveled at what the Lord had shown me. Jesus said "I am the light of the world." The light is Jesus! He had been right there with me always, through all the pain and darkness. I have known Jesus from a very young age (thanks to my sister Debbie) and I can truly say that at the lowest points in my life, it was Him that pulled me up. He gave me the strength to finish high school when I thought I couldn't. He gave me the courage to go to college and the tenacity to finish. He helped me to love when I was terrified to. He sat with me through all the dark nights of my tormented soul, gave me sleep and got me up in the morning. The only two times that I ever actively sought to end my life, He physically stopped me from harming myself. The last time, I actually felt His physical embrace. There is nothing like it on this earth. Pure peace. He is the light of my life, and always has been, even when I didn't realize it. He is faithful, even when we are not.

When the revelation of the light came to me, a vision for another painting did too. I saw the next painting of my testimony. That painting has grown within my spirit like a baby for the past eight years. Labor began last spring when I finally started it. It will be finished very soon. I expect to share it in my next blog post.

At the end of that audited painting class, we had a class critique. I only remember one comment from that critique. The instructor said that the darkness looked impenetrable. She thought it was just too dark and intense and no light could possibly cut through it. I smiled and said, "No, there is light. There, most definitely, is light!"

To be continued... My Testimony - Part Two

"Living Water" - An Invitation

"Living Water" - by Carol Ann Welch, oil on canvas 30"x40", Copyright 2009

"If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that says to you, Give Me to drink, you would have asked of Him, and He would have given you living water... whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst, but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life."
- John 4:10, 14

And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne... and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald... And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices... And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal... and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come. - excerpts from Revelation 4

I finished this painting in the summer of 2009. The inspiration for it came from "Revelation Song" - which I believe is one of the most powerful worship songs ever written. Every time I hear that song, my heart is stirred and I ache for Heaven. If you listen to the song, I believe you will see many of its elements in this painting, most of which are found in Revelation 4.

For me, this painting is a vision of Jesus, the King of Kings, standing in authority and extending His scepter to the viewer as a sign of favor (Esther 8:4). Jesus is clothed in white and draped with a red cloth that symbolizes the blood that He shed for us. The blood red cloth transforms into living water that spreads out before Him into a sea that drowns our sins. Since Jesus' seat in Heaven is at our Father's right hand, there is lightning on Jesus' left side to indicate the power that resides there. Notice that the scepter is extended from His left hand, where the power dwells. Jesus extends favor on behalf of our Father. Jesus' right hand is held out in an invitation toward the rainbow that is God's own symbol of covenant.

Today, from Heaven's throne room, Jesus extends favor and mercy and invites us to join Him in covenant. What is covenant? It is a bond between two people or groups of people that brings them together for mutual benefit. Where one is weak, the other is strong. When one falls, the other picks him up. It is our Father's desire to be in covenant with us. He is not angry with us. He is not trying to push us away. He invites and beckons us to draw close to Him. Why? Not so He can punish us or fix us and dress us up as some plaything; but because He loves us. He delights in our companionship. His greatest desire is to love us and be loved by us. He is wise beyond our comprehension and He wants to impart that wisdom to us, to help us, to comfort us, to guide us, to heal us. What do we possibly have to offer God in this covenant arrangement? Our love and our faith. He is not some dictator on a power trip, demanding "Obey me or else!" Far from it! He is good and He offers us mercy and grace. Like a loving parent with a child who has fallen down, God wants to lift us up and mend our hurts. All we have to do is cry out to Him.

Why Jesus? Some say that there are many ways to God. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and life. No one comes to the Father, but by me." (John 14:6) Why is that? Jesus is the only one who fulfilled God's plan of salvation, that is written in the Old Testament. He is the only one who fulfilled all the law and all the prophecies. Jesus is the only one who died and shed His blood to pay for our sins. Jesus is the only one that rose from the dead. No other man, prophet, or teacher has done all of those things. I know without a doubt that I can never be good enough to enter Heaven on my own merit. On my very best day, I still fail. I cannot possibly do enough good deeds. I cannot act good enough. I can't be good enough. That's OK. I don't have to be. Jesus has already paid the price for me. It's like not having enough money to get into see the movie, so someone buys a ticket for you. You have a choice - you can accept the ticket, go into the theater and enjoy the movie; or you can question the person's motives, turn up your nose against charity, or find some other reason to refuse. Whatever your reason for refusing, the outcome is the same. You miss out on the movie.

God does not choose some to go to Heaven and lock the others out. He invites all. It is His will and desire for all people to be with Him throughout eternity. But, He honors our free will enough to let us choose. We can choose Him or we can reject Him. It's up to us. You see, accepting Jesus and the sacrifice that He made for us is not choosing a religion... it is choosing a relationship with a loving Father who has been waiting and longing for you. If you've already made that choice, then please take a minute to tell your Father that you love Him and thank Jesus for His gift of a redeemed relationship. If you haven't made that choice yet, then reach out to Him. Ask God to help you understand. When you're ready to make the choice, it's very simple - just say the following prayer:

Father, I come to You now and receive Your love. I receive the sacrifice that Jesus made for me and I ask You to forgive my sins. I want to be in covenant with You. I want to have a relationship with You. I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I believe that I am forgiven and accepted into Your Kingdom. Please guide me, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

If you've said that prayer for the first time, then welcome to the Family!! Please leave me a comment and let me know. I will be praying for you.

My Garden

For who has despised the day of small things? For they shall rejoice....
~ Zechariah 4:10

I never expected to enjoy gardening. I always expected to live in the country and have animals everywhere. But, since I have the legal limit of dogs and cats allowed by the city, and I can't hide a horse in the back yard, I started planting things. For years, I planted and they died. The only things that didn't die were the irises and monster roses (that's another story). I probably planted a dozen rose bushes in this yard that died. So, I gave up.

One of my Faith Roses

Several years ago, Rick and I were shopping at Walmart and I was mooning over the five-dollar rose bushes. Rick said, "If you want some, buy them." I said, "No, they'll just die." That's when I heard that quiet voice in my spirit say, "Oh ye of little faith." So, I bought seven. I put five climbers along the fence and two hybrid teas in the front garden with the irises and the Angel Face roses that my sister gave me the year before (they actually had not died). I prayed when I planted them. They became my faith projects. I prayed over them, watered them and talked to them - "grow babies". By the end of summer, the tallest climber was four feet. They are still alive today and I call them my Faith Roses!

Inspired by success, I started more gardens. I planted a small one in the back yard with hydrangea, impatiens and hollyhocks. I turned the boys’ old jungle gym into an arbor that is now covered with passion flowers and a lady banks rose. In the midst of all this, I discovered the most amazing thing. God's Word was coming alive to me in new ways through the work I was doing. I learned that pruning really does produce more fruit and I began to understand the process of pruning that God was doing in my own life. Some things just have to be cut off of us so that we can grow. Seeing that the end result of a good pruning produced a rose bush covered in beautiful blooms helped me to yield to the Lord's pruning of my life.

The resented piece of dirt. (The BEFORE pic)

In the fall of 2007, I was going through a very difficult time. I was at a spiritual turning point and felt that I had missed God. I was depressed, hurt and very angry. I had no interest in gardening. Rick had other plans, though. He had bought a used tiller and leaf-vacuum-chipper-mulcher thing and wanted to play. He took me shopping and looked at flowers, but I was not moved. He ended up buying over a hundred clearance bulbs of all kinds. I cringed at the thought of having to plant them, so I announced that I didn’t have any room in my gardens. So, Rick, being Rick, tilled a very large section of the front yard – about 300 square foot. I was not happy! I resented him and that piece of dirt! I let it sit all winter. When spring came, I was still depressed, hurt and angry; but I was also so embarrassed by that ugly piece of yard that I began to dig out grass. I sat in that patch of dirt for hours pulling up grass and weeds and getting over myself. I finally got motivated enough to put in some edging, mark off a path and plant the bulbs. Rick mulched leaves that were still around from fall and we put them over the bulbs.

Nothing much grew that year and I still resented that garden enough to let it get overgrown with grass and weeds by the next spring. If it had been in the backyard, I would have just quit; but the whole neighborhood could see it. So, I pulled weeds again. To my surprise, I found things actually growing from the bulbs I had planted. “Oh ye of little faith.” Inspired, I began to envision a garden. Hope returned and brought faith with it. I moved flowers from other areas of the yard into the big garden. I bought plants all spring and planted them. Neighbors gave me flowers. Rick installed a sprinkler system. The new garden took shape and things began to bloom. I had two beds planted and mulched with bare ground paths between them. I was finally enjoying my new garden.

Then, summer came and I became preoccupied with other things. I let the garden slip. It was too hot anyway, and I was just too busy. When I finally realized that the bare paths were filling up with weeds, I just gave up again. Rick and the rain kept it watered. I avoided the front yard most of the summer. By cool weather, it was an overgrown mess. I was so angry with myself. I was sure that all the flowers were dead and my time and money had been wasted. But I didn’t care. It would take too much work to clean it up. I was ready to just mow over it.

Then, one Sunday in September 2009, I was worshipping the Lord during church service when He convicted me to clean up that garden. Reluctantly, I got started pulling weeds again. And there, beneath the weeds, flowers were blooming. Everything I had planted survived the summer of neglect.

I spent two months pulling out weeds. By Thanksgiving, the garden was weed free and covered with a thick layer of leaf mulch. I told my pastor about a day when I had been especially depressed and how the Lord had prompted me to go work in the garden. I spent the whole day pulling weeds and I felt better. My pastor encouraged me to continue, saying that as I pulled out weeds in the natural, I was also pulling out spiritual weeds. I like that.

My garden as it is now. (The AFTER pic)

Today, my garden is flourishing. I am very grateful for my husband’s stubbornness and obedience to the Lord, Who knew what I needed even when I didn’t want it. I am amazed at how far that piece of dirt has come in just 3 years. It changes with the seasons. Spring flowers burst forth with color, then fade away as another wave of plants emerge. Rick and I watched a hollyhock grow from two feet in February to over six feet by May and explode into bloom. By mid-summer, it went to seed and was replaced by cannas that popped out of the ground in late spring and are now eight feet tall. The garden has become my hiding place, my prayer closet, and my reminder of who God is and how He works in our lives.

My hiding place.

There are times in our lives when we get discouraged, overwhelmed or simply neglect our spiritual life. Our gardens fill with weeds as we fall back into familiar bad habits or negative attitudes. Once we realize how overgrown our lives are, we are tempted to just give up. We think that all the work God has done in us is dead and gone. We’ve failed and we always will fail. Not so. Pulling weeds is worth the effort. As we begin to deal with those unrighteous areas of our life, we see that God’s work is still there. His love for us has not died. It is there, beneath the weeds, waiting for us to uncover it.

What a Flabbergasting Weekend

Wow! What a weekend it has been!

Theater Therapy

            Friday afternoon, our family of four journeyed to Cinemark Tinseltown to experience the much-anticipated new feature, RED. What a hoot! I won’t bother with plot or spoilers (I hate those – spoilers that is), but I will say that if you like action movies, this one is definitely worth seeing. We all laughed and greatly enjoyed it; but I think the two white-haired ladies sitting next to us enjoyed it even more!  I am so thankful that we began our weekend with massive doses of laughter. Our sense of humor was stoked and ready for what lay ahead….

The Great Dust Storm of 2010

After the movie, we took Jessey back to TCC to study, returned home and I decided to burn off the half-tub of popcorn I had eaten (I’m serious, really) by doing some yard work. I was sure I could work off at least one kernel while operating the riding mower. But, before I tell you about my strenuous exercise routine of shifting gears, I must back up a bit. The riding mower broke down back in September, about the time of the wrecked car and the air conditioner break down. Of course the mower was last on the list, so by last weekend our weeds were about two feet tall and city code enforcement left a bright yellow tag on our door explaining how it would cost us up to $2000 to keep our lawn at this height. (I suspect that a neighbor complained – I don’t know which one… but I’ll get back to that).

So, last Saturday, Rick borrowed his Dad’s push mower and mowed the yard. He mowed all the front yard, half the back, and then that mower stopped working. Fun! After all that, and fixing the a/c, and dealing with a dozen little car issues, Rick finally found the part he needed to fix our mower and, in the process, put new blades on it. Now, we can return to yesterday, when I decided to mow the yard. The mower started right up and I began to mow the front yard. Rick was in the driveway, working on the car and after my first round, I noticed him waving dust away as I passed, so I went to the other side of the yard to mow. I couldn’t believe how dusty it was! Great clouds of dust were billowing from beneath the mower! Wow, I thought, the yard is really dry! But I kept mowing. At times, I had to stop the mower because I couldn’t see where I was going through the dust. But I kept mowing, not believing how dry the yard was. I was coughing and could barely breathe, but I kept mowing.

Rick came around the house to tell me he was going to the auto parts store and commented on all the dust.       

I said, “Yep, the yard is really dry!”

He was in fix-the-car mode, not what’s-wrong-with-this-picture mode, so he left for Autozone…which allowed me to mow next to the driveway. I thought it strange that cars were driving through the dust cloud with their headlights on, but I kept mowing. When I finished the front and side yards, I stopped for a few minutes to put the sprinkler on the front grass… you know, because it was so dry. I noticed that I had turned the color of my garden soil. But, I got back on the mower and mowed the back yard. I watched the dust clouds blow from the back yard across the fence and into the front yard. I was surprised that the sprinkler had no affect whatsoever on the dust. In fact, I couldn’t see the water anymore. At one point I saw the vague shape of a motorcycle and rider cutting through the dust-choked street in front of our house. Poor guy, I thought. But I kept mowing. When I finished mowing, I had to go pick up Jessey, so I washed most of the yard off myself and blew mud out of my nose for about ten minutes.

This morning, as Rick and I made the garage sale rounds, I remarked that those new mower blades were really something to be kicking up so much dust.

“Well, they’re mulching blades,” said Rick.

“Are you sure they’re not plow blades?” I asked.

Then, an idea began to dawn on me.

“Do you think maybe you put the blades on wrong?”

“No,” says Rick, “they spin the same way as the last blades.”

“But, if they’re angled the wrong way, wouldn’t they create a vacuum effect, like a ceiling fan in reverse?”

OK, at this point, I know that the Holy Spirit must be giving me some help, because I would never think of that on my own. Oh, and it only took me about sixteen hours to realize that something might be wrong. My boys keep telling me that I’m not very observant. They may be on to something.

Rick grinned a little and said that he might need to check on those blades.

As we returned home from garage sales this morning, I noticed that all the cars on our street are brown. As I said, I don’t know which neighbor complained about our tall grass, but I think I got my revenge without even trying. Hey, you wanted me to mow – I mowed!!

Garage Sales, Plants & Finicky Pets

            There were garage sales everywhere this weekend. Rick and I hit several while Jessey was in school yesterday morning, then set out early today for more. We bought the following: a beautiful wall clock, 5 cobalt glass vases/candle holders/bottles, 1 pink vase, 3 kerosene lamps (2 for the garden, 1 for the kitchen), 4 candle holders for the garden,  a little wooden shelf for the kitchen, a tin can, a very cool James-Bond-looking phone, a battery back-up surge protector, a wooden box, a fountain that doesn’t work/but can be fixed, a Max Lucado book and a chair that we don’t have room for. We spent about $30.

When we picked Jessey up from school yesterday, he immediately spotted the cool phone and said, “Is that mine? That looks like mine!”

He settled for the surge protector instead.

This morning, after garage sales, Rick and I went to a plant nursery so that I could get some tulip and hyacinth bulbs. I did not get tulip and hyacinth bulbs. I got cannas and a honeysuckle for 75% off. I also got some pansies and dianthus and an ornamental pepper plant. No bulbs, though. We also got pet food samples. Organic pet food.

The nice lady at the nursery (which is actually an organic plant/pet sort of place) asked us, “Do you have pets?”

We smirk and answer, “two dogs, two cats & a turtle.”

She couldn’t help with the turtle, but she sent us away with 2 sample bags of organic dog food and two of organic cat food. How did our little darlings respond? Shadow, the male dog, inhaled his sample and went after his sister’s. She was taking her time and had to guard her bowl from him with growls and snarls. This is pretty normal behavior for them. The cats, however… Nommy, who will eat most anything, politely sniffed the food, then pretended to bury it and walked away. Mauw, who is extremely picky, watched Nommy’s refusal and decided if Nommy didn’t like it, it must be good. She ate the food. Go figure.

Car Mystery Solved

When we bought Jessey’s Camaro, the “service engine” light was on and the mechanic at the auto dealer suspected the control module to be the villain. Rick, being Rick, wasn’t concerned about that because he could fix it. He could tell during the test drive that the car had lots of power and a good, sound engine. He was impressed with that kind of power from a V-6. (If you don’t understand all of this, don’t feel bad – it took me years to learn car-guy language, but I can translate: we bought a really good car with a slight problem that we needed to repair).

            This past week, Rick looked up the codes on the car to discover that it is a Camaro RS (Rally-Sport) and has a high performance package. (Translation: Very cool car, very fast).

            Yesterday evening, as I was mowing in the dustbowl, Rick removed the control module (suspected villain) from Jessey’s car, took it to Autozone (car part court) and had it tested (judged). It tested fine (not guilty). This meant that we did not have to fork out $144 for a new one. Yea! But, Rick had to hunt down a new suspect. Boo! As I de-dusted myself, Rick interrogated suspects, accused two out of three coils, removed them from the car and held them over night in the garage pending trial.

            This morning, after our garage sale/organic-plant-pet-place adventures, Rick took the coils to Autozone (car part court). I waited in the truck during the trial. The two coils were tested and found guilty and were replaced for $50. Rick then explained to me that the car has only been firing on four out of six cylinders (translation: it has been running at 2/3 full power).

            Rick put the new coils in the Camaro and took it out for a spin. He took it out on a secluded back road and opened it up. Here’s Rick’s report: “It white-smoked through first gear, second gear and (insert maniacal grin and laughter here) third gear was time to let up!”

The moral of this story is: Mama is about to become a real prayer warrior now.

            Too bad Jessey has had too much homework to go driving. Yes, I’m so sad for him.

           

Creative Plumbing 101

            A few days ago, our bathroom plumbing was stopping up and had to be dealt with. My macho man attacked it with the plunger and a plumbing snake and we thought all was well. Today, just one load of laundry left us with a flooded toilet and standing water in the bathtub and shower. It didn’t take Rick long to figure out that the drain was blocked between our house and the main sewer line. The plumbing snake wasn’t long enough to reach the clog. Renting a longer snake seemed impossible after fifteen minutes on hold with Home Depot. Large bottles of corrosive chemicals did nothing. So, my husband suggests attacking the clog with air pressure. Immediately, my head filled with visions of nasty water exploding out of drains throughout my house. But, Rick and I both knew that this was our last resort before calling a plumber. What can I say? We are, without a doubt, die-hard do-it-yourselfers!

So, we rallied the troops – namely, Quinten and Jessey. Rick broke out the high-powered shop vac and swapped it to “exhaust mode”. He used some old rags to secure the vacuum tube into the clean-out pipe. I will spare you details of the clean-out pipe other than to express my gratitude that it is outside the house. Quinten stood by at the vacuum switch. I plugged the kitchen sink drains securely. Jessey and I plugged the bathtub drain, lay a thickly folded towel over it, and Jessey stood on it. I covered the nearby toilet with an old towel and closed the lid on it. Seeing that Jessey’s station was secure, I moved on to my own station, pausing for a moment to shout out the master bedroom window to Rick that Jessey was ready. After securing the master bath toilet, I lay another thickly folded old towel across the shower drain and I stood on it. I shouted the go ahead and heard the vacuum cleaner roar to life. The sound of massive air bubbles rumbled in the toilet and beneath my feet.

“Flush the toilet!” Rick shouted.

“NO!” I shouted.

“Turn it off!” Rick shouted.

The vacuum went off.

Miraculously, nothing exploded. I actually heard the toilet drain.

“Do it again!” I shouted.

The vacuum roared again.

Bravely, I opened the toilet and flushed it. It drained!

Realizing that Jessey had been silent through this process, I rushed in to check on him. He was fine. Nothing had exploded in there either, even though I had forgotten to plug up the bathroom sink - God is good and His MERCY endures forever!

I flushed the toilet at Jessey’s station. It threatened to run over, but I cut off its water supply immediately. It gave up and drained at the last minute.

Jessey asked, “Can I get out of the bathtub now?”

“Yes.”

Rick shouted, “The clean-out is clear and it’s all draining!”

SUCCESS!!

            Finally, the yard is mowed, the plumbing works, the shop vac and all water fixtures in the house have been sterilized, a few towels and a pair of gloves gave themselves up for the cause and have been dispatched to the trash can. Nothing exploded. All is well. We even treated ourselves to Krispy Kreme donuts for dessert after dinner. But, the most wonderful thing of all is how my family managed to laugh our way through a very, very crazy weekend. 

            By the way, I was too tired to think of a title, so Quinten did it for me.

            "Flabbergasting... flaaaabergasting... flaaaaaaaaaabergasting... I don't know why, I just like that word..." says Quinten, "flaaaaaaaaaabergasting... moo."

More Random Musings

Saying Goodbye to an Old Friend
My little gold Chevy Blazer is gone. The insurance company totaled it after Jessey's fender bender (still praising God that he was not hurt). We signed it over on Friday. It has been a fairly faithful vehicle for 10 years and I was a little sad to see it go. Oh well. Let the car hunting frenzy begin!

Just a bit of my kitchen.

Kitchen Remodel Update
Ceramic tile floor - finished! Painting, walls and trim - finished! Countertops and back splash - later! Decorating and hanging of pretties - in progress. We finished what we set out to do, namely tile and paint. Countertops and back splash can wait until next year. Other than some reorganizing and finding new storage homes for things that no longer fit in the laundry room, and hanging a few other things, we are done! The kitchen looks so different and I love it! Rick and I did a denim faux finish on the walls that we are very pleased with. My sweetheart even went the extra mile and added light to my formerly dark pantry! Yea Rick! And in an unexpected turn of events, the laundry room got a big boost with fresh paint and a...

Our new washer.

New Washer and Dryer!!
God made a way where there was no way. We were blessed with a brand new, secret desire of my heart, washer and dryer. They are incredibly easy, efficient, luxurious and so very quiet. They are even blue. Our 23-year-old, still working, but slow and noisy, washer and dryer were passed down to Rick's niece who no longer has to go to the laundromat! Yea God!!



Back Update
Yes, the kitchen cost me! After pulling muscles in my back and side while painting the walls, I rested for a week, got better; then painted the trim and pulled them all over again and worse! I could not raise my right arm, bend or twist without severe spasms. Yet, I couldn't seem to behave and it hurt for weeks in spite of the continual dosage of pain pills and muscle relaxants. Which, in my complete lack of any sense, I decided to stop all at once after a month solid. Let me just say - (shudder) horrible. It is a testimony to my family's love that they still live here. In any case, when I finally obeyed my wise husband and s-t-o-p-p-e-d lifting, bending, painting, cleaning and pretty much anything involving back movement; it got better. Imagine that! It is a purely wonderful, grand and precious thing to be pain free. I am behaving myself in order to remain that way. I have had to learn to work at the computer in spurts, because sitting in one place for more than an hour or two is a no-no.


Cool Weather and the Garden Beckons

My garden angel reminds me to rest.

I love Autumn!! Rick and I met in the Fall, just as the weather was cooling; so I am always reminded of romance (sigh). Anyway... with temperatures in the 60's and 70's, I would rather be outdoors than in and lately that means in the flower garden (I haven't graduated to vegetables yet, but I can dream). My wonderful guys Rick and Quinten actually weeded my flower bed for me recently because I couldn't do the work myself. So, I have been able to just sit in my garden, rest my back and enjoy!! Absolutely delicious!

Oil Painting... soon

You know, it's hard to paint when I can't lift my right arm without crying. My oil painting was put on hold for awhile during the remodel and subsequent physical fiasco. But, like the garden, it beckons. There was a dark period a while back when I could not stand to look at the unfinished canvas waiting on my easel. Thankfully, that has changed. I look at it and I SEE it. I am drawn in to the story it tells. I am eager for the feel of the brush, the scent of linseed oil and the sight of the colors of Heaven. Soon. I raise my right arm to test its readiness. Very soon...

Note to Self... Don't Take It Personally

Why do we take everything so personally?

If we are doing what God has called us to do and we encounter resistance or outright rejection, it's not us personally that is being rejected. It's the light that shines through us. Jesus said that we would be rejected because He was. Why are we so surprised and hurt when it happens? Don't take it personally.

If we've missed it and have made a mistake and someone points it out or bawls us out, chances are that our mistake has reminded them of their own imperfections. Accept the correction and discard the emotion. Don't take it personally.

If we are falsely accused and our reputation is tainted, we are in good company. Jesus lived through it and so can we. He has promised to be our advocate and vindicator. Don't take it personally.

If people are talking about us behind our backs and speculating on our lives through gossip and assumption, then they don't know us well enough to speculate or assume anything in the first place. Don't take it personally.

If people are talking us down in order to bolster themselves up and cover up their own guilt, then they are more concerned about themselves than about us anyway. Don't take it personally.

If our feelings are hurt, our emotions are all in a jumbled mess, our anger is flared and we feel an overwhelming urge to defend ourselves and tell everyone how right we are and how wrong they are; then we have taken it personally.

If we find ourselves short on patience and compassion and annoyed by anyone and everyone that does not see it our way; then we have taken it personally.

If we find ourselves leaving a trail of hurt, discouraged people in our wake... people who we don't associate with anymore, are glad that they're gone, and hope we don't run into in the future; then we've taken it personally.

If we can remember that we are caught up in a battle that is greater than ourselves, an ageless battle between Good and evil; then we will know that it is not about us. We won't take it personally.

If we can remember that we don't live in and of ourselves, that Christ lives in us and our life is hidden in Him; then we will truly see that He is our shield and nothing can harm us. We won't take it personally.

If we truly love God with all our heart, our soul, our mind and our strength; then we will be empowered to love our neighbor as ourselves. We won't take it personally.

If His love is perfected in us; then all fear of rejection, failure, insecurity and the like will be cast out of us. We won't take it personally.

Why can I know this, write this, but not live this?

Lord, Your love is perfect. Please, help me to decrease myself, so that You are increased in me.

A Tale of the Tongue

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:29-32

Many years ago, I learned a very valuable lesson about relationships. I was working with several women and four of us had gotten very close by working on several projects together. One woman, I’ll call her Monica, was always telling me how helpful I was and how good I was at certain things – always very positive towards me. And when we were with the other two women, I’ll call them Rachel and Phoebe, she was the same towards them – very positive. However, after some time, I began to notice that when Monica and I were alone, she had nothing good to say about Rachel or Phoebe. She pointed out their flaws and told me personal information about them that always seemed to be negative. Now, me being me, did not really catch on to this for quite awhile. Monica and I got along, we had several things in common that we enjoyed discussing and we were real encouragers for each other. And I have to admit, when the negative talk got started, I often took part. I listened to it and I even added my own observations of a negative nature. Thankfully, I can honestly say that I never spread any of this any further than my husband (who listens to such conversations by letting them in one ear and out the other, never remembering a thing – he just nods in the right places) and I never shared confidential information (I still don’t ever do that). It’s also important to point out that when I was alone with Rachel or Phoebe our conversations focused more on projects or situations, not on people. We encouraged one another occasionally and there was even the occasional negative comment about someone, but not nearly to the degree that this went on with Monica.

My day of enlightenment came when I was talking to Rachel and Phoebe about a certain project and I referred to something regarding Monica. I saw a look pass between Rachel and Phoebe that instantly told me I had been slammed. It was one of those occasions when my mouth stepped out ahead of my head and I said, “so what has she been saying about me that’s bad?” Their mouths fell open, their eyebrows shot up, and one of them whispered, “how did you know?” My response was, “she never has anything good to say about either of you to me, so she must be trashing me to both of you!” I was exactly right! We three had a good talk about what Monica really thought about us. We were very sorry for having listened, participated and fallen for the whole thing.

I remember being very disappointed in Monica. I was also disappointed in myself. The saddest part to me was that I had believed that Monica really meant all the positive things that she had said to me and that she had valued my friendship so much that she could confide in me. I was devastated to find out that Monica’s comments to the others negated all her compliments to me. I realized that I had been used and manipulated. I lost all trust in Monica. I never confronted her with the information, and I don’t think the others did either. I honestly don’t think it would have done any good. Knowing her, she would have denied it, turned it against us and made herself out to be the victim. My friendship with Monica was over and I avoided her company until, shortly after the incident, I moved on to other things. I did not pursue keeping up a friendship with any of those three women. In fact, I avoided friendships with women in general for some time afterward.

As it turned out, the incident had a rather profound impact on my life. I was able to look back and see similar situations in other relationships I had had earlier. A few involved men, but mostly such circumstances involved women. After that, I hesitated about getting involved with groups of women. I tended to hang out on the sidelines of women’s organizations and watch carefully without really getting involved- in fact I still do. I recognized the same pattern cropping up again and again with other women. For several years, I managed to avoid anything other than minor incursions. But, I eventually found myself getting sucked back into the very same thing again, much to my frustration and anger when I finally recognized it.

I believe there is a behavior involved that is rooted in a deep lack of self-esteem. It seems to go something like this: “I’m OK and you’re OK, but everyone else is really not. You and I can create a bond based on this. I can tell you how wonderful you are which fills your need, in hopes that you will reciprocate and fill my need. And if I talk about how bad everyone else is, we’ll both feel better. We share a secret and that bonds us together. And if I tell you how bad my other co-worker, sibling, friend, etc. is it’s validating that they were the problem rather than me.” There tends to be an instigator – the one who gets the pattern started, as Monica did. But, there is also a participant – the one who goes along with it and adds fuel to the fire. Each one can have this same dysfunctional relationship with several different people at the same time. A major give-away to this behavior is that the conversation is emotionally charged. Displeased facial expressions, groans and exclamations are signs that the conversation has crossed into the territory of unforgiveness, insecurity, frustration and accusation. In contrast, there is also the whispered monotone while the speaker's eyes dart around to be sure no one is hearing.

Guess what? I’m guilty!! I’ve been on both ends of this. Because of my passive nature, I tend to be the participant more often than the instigator; but I now recognize that I have been both and both are equally guilty. After all, it does take two to gossip!

As I’ve written this, my eyes have really opened to recognize this behavior in so many areas of my life. It comes in different disguises. Some of it is outright gossip, but some is not. Some is disguised as “so you can pray” or “you need to know” or other even more subtle forms. I think it’s important to expose this destructive behavior and grow past it. For too long I have watched, and participated in, this tactic that people, particularly women, use to manipulate and control a relationship in order to get emotional needs met – without even realizing we are doing it.

I have come to a place that I detest this behavior – in myself and in others. It grieves the Holy Spirit when we speak evil of others. It is as if we are holding our own opinions above our Father’s. He sees us through the blood of Christ and the eyes of love. He asks us to do the same with our neighbors.

Does this mean that we can never talk about problems? No. There is a way to do that in love. I remember a pastor once sitting down with Rick and I to tell us about a situation with a friend of ours who had taken a bad road. The pastor wanted to warn us, so that if this friend came to us for money, we wouldn’t be taken in. He told us what had happened in a very straightforward way that expressed compassion for our friend rather than anything negative. I’ll never forget how he paused in the middle of his story, looked at me and said, “You know, we can talk about situations without talking bad about people.” Then he continued as if he had never paused. That stuck with me in a very powerful way and I’ll never forget how he handled that situation. I believe that his pause and interjection directed to me was straight from God. It caused me to mark that incident as the right way to communicate about negative circumstances.

My desire is to please God, rather than grieve Him. I deeply regret all the times that I have failed at it.  I have asked His forgiveness and I know that He has freely given it. I know that there will be times in the future when I will have to choose not to participate in that old pattern, even if it means stopping a conversation with someone. As much as I hate to make waves, I would rather please God.

Father, thank You for forgiving my sins and loving me past my shortcomings. Thank You for exposing the iniquities in my life and teaching me how to change. I forgive those that have spoken evil against me. I forgive those that have instigated me or participated with me in evil conversations. I ask You to place a coal on my lips so that I only speak words that are edifying and bring grace to the hearer. Please help me to be kind, tenderhearted and compassionate towards others in person and in speaking of them. Teach me how to control my tongue. Please give me the strength and boldness to separate myself from any conversation that is not pleasing to You. ~ Amen

Theater Therapy (or, Why I Love Action Movies)

I find it amusing how everyone sees me as so nice, sweet and easy-going. I have had many people compliment me on these characteristics. Some have even asked me how I do it. I smile and give credit where credit is due - Jesus lives in my heart and I try my best to let Him shine through. But... I AM human. There are those times when my flesh overrides my spirit. When that happens, I go for my secret weapon - Theater Therapy! And I'm not talking sweet little kiddie movies, tearjerkers or romances; I'm talking fist-flying, shoot 'em up, hooves pounding (or tire squalling), fireball-filling-the-sky-kaboom-filling-your-ears action!! Those are my hands-down favorites!

Aristotle coined the term catharsis in connection to theater. He used the term to describe the emotional cleansing experienced by the characters or the audience of a play. Audiences often feel a release of pent-up emotions or energies in response to the drama they watch. That is an exceptional description of what happens to me when I watch movies. I do enjoy all kinds of movies, including kids movies, tearjerkers, romances and comedies. And I do experience some level of catharsis from all of them. But, action movies are the best. Why?

What can I say? I was raised on westerns! On TV... Big Valley, Bonanza, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Cheyenne, Bronco Lane, Sugarfoot, High Chaparral, Rawhide, Lancer, Rifleman, Lone Ranger... you name it, I watched it! And movies? John Wayne has always been (and still is) my favorite! It's so thrilling to watch horses running across the plains with their hooves flying and their nostrils flared, riders firing at each other and the shots echoing. The Searchers, The Three Godfathers, True Grit... and later... Tombstone and Silverado. I love it.

Sadly, there are only a handful of westerns that I actually got to see on the big screen. Most of them were before my time. Back in the 80's, I came to the disheartening realization that westerns were out. So, I latched on to Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Wow! Now there was action!! And the creature features - Jaws, Aliens, Predator - action AND hunting of bad beasties...cool! I remember sitting in a theater watching Terminator 2 and having an epiphany. There's Schwarzenegger, riding the motorcycle, chasing the bad guy in the diesel truck, and Arnie fires his shotgun and chambers the next round by twirling the gun!!! The same move that John Wayne used!!! So, I realize, these action movies are the new westerns!! I began to see all the similarities. Horses = motorcycles or cars or spaceships. Guns are guns whether they shoot bullets or lasers. Bad guys are still bad and the good guys still need to defeat them. And don't forget those one-liners!

So, this realization could not have come at a better time. It was the early 90's and I was at home all day with small children. About once a month or so, I would announce to Rick that I needed Theater Therapy. He would smile (I just love him for that) and watch the kids while I went to sit in a dark theater and watch tough guys blow stuff up. Die Hard, Con Air, Stargate, Armageddon, Speed, Executive Decision, Men in Black, The Rock, Mission Impossible, Escape from L.A. (yes, I know it was really bad... but "call me Snake"...c'mon), and the list goes on. I would go home feeling better and ready to deal with my toddlers again! All the frustrations and repressed emotions had been blown away.

Rick and I actually got to see some movies together in those days and that was quite a treat - Jurassic Park, Cliffhanger, The Matrix, Independence Day, Twister, Backdraft... oh yeah! So, it's no surprise that we now have two sons who love action movies. Today we all went to see The Expendables. It rocked! Although, someone should tell Stallone that words like "relationship", "emotional" and the phrase "I love poetry" should be left out of future scripts! So, my favorite parts? Jet Li vs. Dolph Lundgren, the BIG GUY with the BIG SHOTGUN, and the general mayhem that is the climax. I feel better after the past month of pulled muscles, ceramic tile, deadlines, and oppressive hot weather. I can be a nice person again.

People are often shocked when they find out I watch such violent movies. At times, I've been judged and told that "Christians shouldn't watch those things." Yes, I do believe that we should all be careful what we subject our eyes and ears to. And I believe that different people have different tolerances. There are certain kinds of movies that I absolutely will not watch. When I rededicated my life to the Lord in 2001, I stayed away from certain movies for a year or so, while the Lord did a work in my heart. Now, I find that the Lord uses most of the movies I watch to teach me, inspire me, or just plain get my fight back. The world tends to wear me down. I get battle weary. I get to that place where giving up starts to be an option. But watching a good battle up on that screen inspires me to stand and fight the good fight of faith another day. God created me to be a warrior. Sure, my kind of warfare is done in prayer in the spiritual realm; but sometimes that warrior needs to come out and play! As Jessey loves to remind me, I'm that 43-year-old woman that freaked out two Karate instructors!

Do I worry about the violence I see in movies? No. The Bible is full of it. I remember reading about Jael driving the tent stake through Sisera's head (Judges 4). I jumped up and cheered!! Besides, I've read the end of the Book. The greatest of all good guys, Jesus, rides in on a white horse for the final showdown and defeats that nasty bad guy, satan!! Classic western! I can't wait to see that one!!!

Unfailing

Across the sea
A raging storm
Tosses a ship about.
But there is an anchor
Cast deep and true
And it will not fail to hold.
It will keep the ship secure.

Massive legions
Of fearsome hordes
Lay siege to the castle keep.
But there is a bar
Against the gate
And it will not fail to hold.
It will keep the castle secure.

A gust of wind
On a mountainside
Plummets the climber down.
But there is a rope
Tied strong and taut
And it will not fail to hold.
It will keep the climber secure.

Raging river
Flooding its banks
Sweeping a child away.
But there is a Father
Reaching his arms
And he will not fail to hold.
He will keep his child secure.

Faithful servant
Confused and torn
Commits a careless sin.
But there is a Son
Who shed His blood
Whose love will not fail to hold.
He will keep his beloved secure.

ZAP!

Have you ever felt like you were overloaded with negative sludge that has built up from all the cares of the world? Wouldn’t you love to simply zap all that junk away?

Many times I have found that natural scientific principles help me to understand spiritual principles. The best example of this is seed, time and harvest. Jesus used that example of a natural principle to explain the spiritual principle of giving and receiving. My own examples are not always that perfect an explanation, but I find that they help me to grasp and visualize aspects of the Kingdom of God that are otherwise elusive for me.

Yesterday, I pondered the thought that the human spirit is like a rechargeable battery, continually being drained by the world and in need of a Divine recharge. Chasing that line of thought, I discovered a natural principle that gave me a new revelation.

Lightning is a large scale static discharge that operates on much the same principle as touching someone’s hand or something metal and generating a shock. This is the stripped-down ultra-simple explanation of how that works. All atoms have either a positive charge (protons), negative charge (electrons) or no charge (neutrons). The charged atoms are called ions. Static discharge occurs when an object (such as a cloud or a person’s body) becomes overloaded with electrons. When that negatively charged object comes close to a positively charged object (such as the earth or a doorknob), the electrons discharge or jump to the positively charged object. When that happens, the first object loses its negative charge and becomes positively charged. The overload of negative ions is moved to the second object and the first object does not have them anymore.

I see this as a good illustration of 1 Peter 5:7 - Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you. Picture this: We go through our daily lives gathering negative cares and worries from the world around us until we are overloaded with them. We become negatively charged. James 4:8 tells us that when we draw near to God, He draws near to us. When we come into close contact with our Father, who is positively charged, we are able to discharge all our negativity onto Him. He can handle it and He won’t be affected by it. Then, we are positively charged. So, another interpretation of 1 Peter 5:7 might be – Discharging all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.

I like the idea of discharge. When I think of casting, I think of a heavy load that I have to lift and heave over to God. The notion of discharge makes me think of myself in a dark cloud that zaps off of me when I come close to God. I understand that the literal meaning of the word “cast” is to “throw off”, implying that I must take action in order to make it happen. Yet, throwing something off seems to involve such effort. Whereas, if my cares are discharged; then the action on my part is simply to draw near to God. I can visualize that. I can get my faith behind it. I can choose to believe that by my act of drawing close to my beloved Lord, I am surrendering all my cares and burdens, all the negative sludge that has accumulated in my soul, over to Him. Zap! It’s gone.

Random Musings of the Day

Goal of the Day: To have more fun with this blog and stop being so uptight. Everything I write does not have to be some profound insight. Duh! :P I am free to be myself and find my voice. I will stop getting twisted up with who might read this and what they might think! I am going to R-E-L-A-X! Oh dear, what a concept!

Good News of the Day: According to the LA Times, polling data indicates that younger viewers are more likely to love the movie "Inception" and older viewers are more likely to dislike it. Hooray! I'm young!! Loved the movie!

Accomplishments of the Day: Grocery shopping and finally getting around to creating the worksheets that I have not wanted to do. And, hopefully, this blog.

Pet of the Day: Shadow in his favorite spot! He is an Australian Shepherd/Keeshond mix that we have had since birth. He got very depressed when his mom, Chewie, died in 2006 and put on a lot of weight. I haven't helped matters by supporting his Milkbone habit. The guys fuss at me for supplying his "fixes". Shadow is Quinten's best bud! He is also a 75 pound lapdog if we let him be. He catches tennis balls like a pro and will bring them back every time (unlike his sister) until he gets tired. He and his sister Faith turned 10 years old last May. Shadow is a bona fide good dog!

Pet Peeve of the Day: Generalizations! I had a wake up call this morning and I've decided that I'm very displeased at being told things like, "everything you do..." or "you never ever..." or "you always say..."! Such things are exaggerations and usually downright lies from the father of lies and I'm not buying into that nonsense anymore. I have been told such generalizations before and been absolutely guilt-ridden with myself only to wake up to several examples that blatantly disprove the accusation. So, fair warning mankind, if you speak to me in the future using such a generalization, I'm closing my ears. And I will do my best to keep it out of my dialogue because it is poor, self-serving, defensive, psuedo-communication that accomplishes nothing positive.

Jessey Quote of the Day: "Come kill it please?" Followed by an explanation of how he can generally kill things on his own, but this is a wasp... in his room.... (BTW, Dad killed it and no one got stung.)

Observation of the Day: Kitty Mau just stormed past me with a look of indignation. Guess she wanted to be Pet of the Day.

Spiritual Insight of the Day: The human spirit is like a rechargeable battery. If we plug into the things of God - love, joy, peace, faith, kindness... - we recharge. All the negative things of the world drain us. We should recharge daily! ...or constantly!!

Be Blessed...